DP not telling me when he’s home

[FancyMauveDreamer]

DP told me he’d be home by 11pm. He arrived at about 3:30am. I got upset he didn’t let me know he’d be late. He says he got carried away meeting an old friend and by the time he realised the time, he thought I would’ve been asleep and didn’t want to wake me by calling/texting. He also apologised.

Context: we don’t live together but he stays with me as much as work allows, sometimes for weeks a time, sometimes just a couple of days. Last night was the first time I was seeing him in a week. He has a key to my home.

We’ve been together over a year and he’s generally a great partner and amazing with my DC and parents. But this is a recurring issue where he’ll neglect to tell me when he’s coming home.

I’ve told him before I can’t cope with this uncertainty (I’m autistic) and feel anxious and on edge when I don’t know when to expect him home. Every time this happens and we talk about it, he says it’s not a big deal. Then I explain how it affects me and he says he’ll do better next time. Then it happens again. Not every time, but occasionally.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve called/texted him and he didn’t answer, which made me feel worse. So last night I was too scared to call in case he didn’t answer.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something minor but can’t help it if I feel upset.

How do you guys feel when your partner doesn’t let you know when they’re coming home?

Take your key back and he can stay at his own place when he’s out late. Then it’s not your problem and you don’t have to wonder when he’ll be back.

you don’t live together so it’s a bit shit of him tbh.

if you shares a home equally well then he can come and go as he pleases. But he’s coming to your space, courtesy is important.

OP, he’s not ‘coming home’. He’s staying at your house.

Ok well I wouldn’t e a guest in someone else’s house and come home at 3:30. And he is a guest.

Also he could have texted you to let you know he would be late—that satisfies the spurious argument that he didn’t want to disturb you.

It’s difficult for you as this is clearly something that bothers you, and you feel on edge and unable to relax when he’s out and about and unsure of when he’ll be home…but I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to gone you an exact time and stick to it. If he’s out having fun with his friends, and there’s potential for a few more drinks/the night to go on a bit more, it would be a shame for him to say to his friend “sorry I can’t stay for another couple as my partner is expecting me home in 20mins.” I know it’s hard for you but he shouldn’t have to stick to a curfew, he’s a grown man. Would it help you or make a difference if , instead of saying hell he home for 11, he said “I don’t know when I’ll be home, I’ll aim for 11 but if we’re having a good time then who knows, maybe 3am? I don’t know an exact time I’m afraid.” Would that help? Is it the fact he is explicitly saying 11 but then coming in later?

If you're really this upset about it, maybe it's the relationship that's the issue. If you were really happy and really trusted him, you wouldn't feel like this.

I remember feeling like you when I was in my twenties - but it turns out my partner at the time was not a good person and I had every reason not to trust him. I now trust my DH with my life and have never had any issues with him going out.

I understand this. It’s disconcerting to, on a basic level, not even know who is in your house.

10pm, 3am, 6am, all fine. Pick one and change it? Also fine. But let me know and then I can sleep peacefully.

You’re not a mug for sharing your life/ exciting night out with him.
And if you don’t mind him coming home at 3.30 am ( which I would not allow - far too late my house is not a hotel) - all you say is ‘did you have a good time?’
id say that lump in your throat is you feel disrespected as he’s using your house like a hotel / doss house - and that’s crap.

I didn't miss it. I just understood it in a very different way to you. That this man is the one staying and uprooting his life for weeks at a time because the OP can't. She's got children (and elderly parents by the sound of it) so she can't stay at his 2 hours away. For them to have a relationship, this man is being flexible. And the men-haters of mumsnet are calling him all sorts of names because of it.

Totally agree with @faerietales
in my very younger days I once turned up home at 3 pm gone - my bf at the time was at home - I’d been up to no good.
The relationship didn’t last long.

It's probably best he doesn't stay at your home if he is going out with friends. That way you aren't expecting him at a certain time. I would hate having to give a time to be home when out with friends, I like to just go with the flow. I can also appreciate how it's important for you to know the time to expect him. Him staying at his own home when out with friends would be a quick fix for now. It may be something you need to work out and decide if you are compatible if there are plans of moving in together in the future.

That’s what I took from it too but unfortunately there is such an irrational hatred of men on here that no matter how appallingly the woman behaves it will always be the fault of the man & he ends up being an abuser/cocklogder/gaslighting/coercive etc etc

I’m sorry, he’s a grown up and you’re not his mother. If he’s going home to his own place then he doesn’t need to tell you when he’s home. He doesn’t have to answer to you. If he’s staying with you, then the decent thing would be to text and say he’s going to be later than expected but ultimately it’s inappropriate for you to “police” him. I’m a grown up and wouldn’t stand for someone doing that to me sorry.

Yes this is completely unreasonable! You’re not his keeper. If my partner said I want to know who you’re with / what you’re doing / what time you’re going to be home, I’d tell them politely to get stuffed and never go back. You’ve been together a year and if you want this relationship to end, you’re doing a good job of it. This behaviour is completely suffocating

Yes would be unreasonable. He is an independent adult, he doesn't live with you, he's not the father of your kids. You sound very needy and controlling.

Yes, completely unreasonable to insist. Better to have a more easy-going relationship assuming youn can trust him, and this kind of information might flow without effort. Why do you want to "insist"? It sounds controlling.

This is completely your anxiety causing this and I understand as I'm the same when it comes to someone going out and then worrying if they are not home when expected. As I am like this I automatically always keep DH uodated on what I am doing but recognise I am being unreasonable to expect the same in return. I would happily be woken up with a text or call to let me know plans have changed but recognise that others would never do that.
Maybe some therapy could help you?

I think this is something you need to learn to get over. Reverse the genders and it’d suddenly feel quite sinister, wouldn’t it?

He's coming to your house at 3:30am when he said he would be there at 11.pm. That's a bit rude

He doesn't live there so if he says he will be there at a time then coming in over 4 hours later without a message would make anyone annoyed. He's taking your place for granted.

You've been going out a year and he's already staying over for weeks at a time with your kids - how old are they?,

but what if he doesn't know?

I don't think you are a mug at all OP but every update you give it comes over as a very one sided relationship.

And that he is using you.

I think you coming home and talking about your night out is what is normal in most relationships.

If he comes home and gives out no information I would be questioning why.
Especially, as you say , he was 4 and a half hours later than he told you he would be and when you have been good enough to let him stay with you for his convenience

Also if he is not saying where he had been until 3.30 in the morning- presumably long after the pubs shut- I would definitely be wanting some explanation o where he has been and what he was doing up until this time.

I think you should be asserting yourself a bit more with him and make it clear you have rights and feelings in this relationship and you aren't just there to provide a convenient place for him to stay. Which it what it is coming over as.

take your key back.

i think your visits might need to be more organised as clearly him dropping by when his schedule allows isn't working for you as you need clear times.

maybe he doesn't see you every time he's back from work so he can socialise and then the next time he visits with you.

Honestly he doesn’t have to give you a precise time as to when hell
be back. He’s out it will depend on how the night goes, who he meets etc. if my partner wanted precise times and details I’d dump his ass as controlling .
This is a you issue not a him. Maybe some therapy might help.

He met his friend at his city, then drove 2 hours to mine. He’s due to stay here until Saturday then go back to his.

I would ask yourself, are you upset they come back late or that they are out without you? Lateness easily addressed by asking they let you know will be back later. The going out without you could be looked at as being controlling, anxious or trust. That’s harder to address and you need to decide if you want to.

My DP and I don’t live together. I live very close to a city and him 45 mins away in a village. He stays at mind often. Even when he has plans for a night out as it saves an expensive taxi and we spend next day together. I don’t expect to be invited as both of us have our own lives.

Mostly he will come back to mine if day drinking or not going to be very late. says he doesn’t want to disturb me. so if he goes to club nights will grab a cheap hotel as I don’t want to be woken up. He has come back later when at mine and our rule is spare room.