To be endlessly grieving

[LaTristezaDurera]

… for my parents? I lost both of them a few years ago and I can't stop feeling sad. Whenever I'm alone (even just for a few minutes) I start welling up. They had very good, very long lives, peaceful endings and we had a great relationship. I know it's all in the course of nature and that it's irrational for me to be sad all the time, but… here I am. How do I get out of this?

Is this a constant thing, for years? How old are you?

It is quite odd, to my mind. Feeling sad at the loss is normal snot, but not crying every time you're alone ...

I'm 54. I know it's not normal or healthy.

I'm afraid I don't get this I lost my mum when I was pregnant with mu first
She was 55 ,I was 30. I was aware that she life was ill. She was miserable and had no quality of life. Maybe I'm a bit hard, but she needed to go.

Everyone is different. But it seems like you're quite stuck, if it's been years.
Have you considered therapy?

(Also sorry about weird typos in first post!)

Do you think having your own child/children helps you get over losing your parents?
(I am childless by choice.)

I don’t think you’re being OTT or having inappropriate levels of grief - everyone grieves differently and you obviously had a very deep bond with your parents. I think your reaction is a natural and, in its own way, beautiful reflection of the love between you and your parents. And - it would probably help to get some therapy to talk it all through. Get some extra support.

Dont let anyone make you feel wrong or like you’re not ‘tough enough’ or some rubbish like that. But do consider getting some support.

Well I do get it. I lost both of my parents in the space of 6 months, and it will be 19 years ago this year.

My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my dad passed away in his sleep 9 days later. My mum was gone within 5 months. My children ranged from 2/3 to 9, and my parents were amazing grandparents and it's killed me to bring up my children without their input, especially as I know they would have been very supportive and very proud of all three of my children.

I just turned 62. My mum died when she was 62, just before she turned 63. It resonates!

No, it just reinforces what you have lost x

That depends. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. That doesn't mean they don't grieve, but it's different.

What kind of therapy do I ask for?

I think you need grief therapy. 🩷 I wish you peace.

I think op it's important to recognise that there is no 'correct' way to grieve or type of grieving. It's very different for everyone and it's something that for many people you gradually grow around your grief and its something that's always with you by becomes more bearable as time goes on. The timeline for that totally varies depending on the person and their circumstances. Noone here can tell you if this is right or wrong - it's your feelings and they are valid.

What I would say is that if it feels to you like you're feeling stuck or trapped in your grief and its feeling unnatural or like you need it to be different then you might benefit from some form of therapy to help unpack whatever is blocking you. I think it's also worth noting that death is a trauma and if you lost them both in close succession and particularly if in an especially fast or upsetting way this could trigger PTSD and it would be important to get support with that. It's normal and valid but it's not something you need to manage alone. You deserve support. There is private counselling- CRUISE does bereavement specific counselling- or support groups or death cafes which are a social forum where people can gather to try to take the fear and stigma away from death and grief.

What I would say is that my marriage broke down a while ago unexpectedly which devastated me and I can honestly say that if I hadn't had ds to focus on and get on with things for I think I'd have really struggled to get out of bed in the morning and it would have been much harder. Having a focus and a sense of purpose and connection is very important- it doesn't need to be a child, there are other avenues to finding those outlets. Many people get it through doing community work and volunteering.

Also just to say your gp is also a good source of support and will be able to tell you what's available in your area. If you think it's veering towards ptsd then gp would be able to support with this as well.

OP I think you would benefit from therapy. There may be a connection between your being childless by choice and the loss of your parents, maybe it’s left you in a bit of a limbo where you’ve not been able to move on. Do you have siblings?

GP will recommend a talking therapy. Try existential.

I’m sorry to read you’re still struggling with grief. It’s hard, and everyone grieves differently.

Id say it sounds like complicated grief, or persistent complex bereavement disorder. What the best help or treatment is, I don’t know, but here’s a link that I found helpful

www.abct.org/fact-sheets/complicated-grief/

I would hate to think of my DC endlessly grieving me, I’m sure your parents wouldn’t have wanted this either. Please look into counselling.

It's clear that the OP was close to her parents, as I was with mine.

I think for me having children distracts or takes my mind of the grief more than anything as life for them goes on as normal pretty much so I've to go with that. Grief counselling is something you should look into.

Just wanted to give you a huge hug, OP. Are you a Manics fan, by any chance? Yoir user name suggests it...(*misses the point of the thread...).

Speak to your GP. I had counselling from Cruse after my mum died but I think I had it too soon? Your GP can refer you for free counselling or you can access it via an Employee Assistance Programme, if your employer offers that?

Yes I do have two siblings and we lost another sibling just before my parents died.

You've had such a tough time sweetheart. Please talk to your GP xx

I am a similar age to you and lost both parents when I was 31 and 36. They were 57 and 65 so not long lives and not particularly great endings. It was bloody hard each time but I think what you are describing is not typical and I can't really relate.

I think about them daily and If I sit and dwell on their passing I feel very sad and a bit bitter and angry so I chose not to dwell on that aspect of their lives. As my friends' parents age I can also see that I have dodged a bullet in terms of having to care for aging parents too although that might sound very harsh. You have to look for positives in life and not concentrate on negatives.

I do think grief counseling would help you.

I know they wouldn't have wanted to see me like this. I will look into counselling as you and a few pp have suggested.Thank you.