Page 2 | To be endlessly grieving

LaTristezaDurera · 2025-04-20T23:36:44+00:00

… for my parents? I lost both of them a few years ago and I can't stop feeling sad. Whenever I'm alone (even just for a few minutes) I start welling up. They had very good, very long lives, peaceful endings and we had a great relationship. I know it's all in the course of nature and that it's irrational for me to be sad all the time, but… here I am. How do I get out of this?

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 01:16

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 21/04/2025 01:10

It's clear that the OP was close to her parents, as I was with mine.

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Well that wasn't what I was replying to, but in any case it's not nearly that simple.

Creepybookworm · 21/04/2025 01:18

I think the loss of your sibling may have complicated this process for you. If I lost my sibling on top of the loss of my parents I would be devastated. They are incredibly important to me as a link to my childhood.

Original poster

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:18

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 21/04/2025 01:11

Just wanted to give you a huge hug, OP. Are you a Manics fan, by any chance? Yoir user name suggests it...(*misses the point of the thread...).

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Thank you, that's very kind. And yes I am but MN wouldn't allow me to spell the title correctly! Apologies to any other Manics fans reading this.

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ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 21/04/2025 01:22

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:18

Thank you, that's very kind. And yes I am but MN wouldn't allow me to spell the title correctly! Apologies to any other Manics fans reading this.

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Bless you, I knew you were one. 😘🥰

And all the hugs in the world won't make up for the loss of your parents, of course, but it's imperative to get some good support and as PPs suggested, maybe counselling. I'm terrified of losing my parents too, so it's something we all deal with and don't want to - you obviously loved your parents very much. ❤️ I hope you can find some peace. Another hug 🫂 🤗

chakrakkhan · 21/04/2025 01:23

I get it OP. You’re not alone. It is not weird/odd, no matter what the first few insensitive comments have suggested. Everyone grieves differently and it’s not odd at all to feel like this, especially in the first few years. What a cruel thing to say! My mum died 18 months ago of a very aggressive cancer 5 months after diagnosis, it doesn’t make it better to think she’s not in pain anymore. What would be better is if she was still here and it had never happened at all. My grief cannot rationalise that. I allow myself to cry every Saturday when I have the house to myself. But grief can catch us out at unexpected times and especially around holidays, like Easter, when we may have done things as a family. I echo others with suggesting some grief councelling. I’m in touch with a charity called Cruse and get some support from the hospice my mum was in at the end. Is this something you could look into? https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/

Original poster

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:24

Creepybookworm · 21/04/2025 01:15

I am a similar age to you and lost both parents when I was 31 and 36. They were 57 and 65 so not long lives and not particularly great endings. It was bloody hard each time but I think what you are describing is not typical and I can't really relate.

I think about them daily and If I sit and dwell on their passing I feel very sad and a bit bitter and angry so I chose not to dwell on that aspect of their lives. As my friends' parents age I can also see that I have dodged a bullet in terms of having to care for aging parents too although that might sound very harsh. You have to look for positives in life and not concentrate on negatives.

I do think grief counseling would help you.

Thanks for sharing. I know you're right and I was lucky to have them for so long. I'll try to think about all the good times we had and be thankful for them.

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Original poster

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:26

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 21/04/2025 01:22

Bless you, I knew you were one. 😘🥰

And all the hugs in the world won't make up for the loss of your parents, of course, but it's imperative to get some good support and as PPs suggested, maybe counselling. I'm terrified of losing my parents too, so it's something we all deal with and don't want to - you obviously loved your parents very much. ❤️ I hope you can find some peace. Another hug 🫂 🤗

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Thank you. I hope you have your parents with you for many many more years to come.

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Original poster

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:31

chakrakkhan · 21/04/2025 01:23

I get it OP. You’re not alone. It is not weird/odd, no matter what the first few insensitive comments have suggested. Everyone grieves differently and it’s not odd at all to feel like this, especially in the first few years. What a cruel thing to say! My mum died 18 months ago of a very aggressive cancer 5 months after diagnosis, it doesn’t make it better to think she’s not in pain anymore. What would be better is if she was still here and it had never happened at all. My grief cannot rationalise that. I allow myself to cry every Saturday when I have the house to myself. But grief can catch us out at unexpected times and especially around holidays, like Easter, when we may have done things as a family. I echo others with suggesting some grief councelling. I’m in touch with a charity called Cruse and get some support from the hospice my mum was in at the end. Is this something you could look into? https://www.cruse.org.uk/

My sincere condolences on the loss of your dear Mum. Thank you for your suggestions – I will definitely look into those.

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Original poster

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:32

I'm off to bed now, but just wanted to say big thanks to everyone who replied. You are all so kind. ❤

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caringcarer · 21/04/2025 01:46

I lost my Dad 32 years ago he had a massive heart attack and my Mum 11 1/2 years ago and she had pancreatic cancer. When Dad died I walked around like zombie for about 6 months. It was so sudden. When Mum died I felt relieved she didn't have to suffer any more. I still think of them often and I do tend to get upset around Mother's day when I see all the cards in the shops and I no longer have a Mum to buy one for. Sometimes if I get a piece of really good news my first thought is I must tell Mum. Then I feel sad because I remember I can't. I don't really feel sad about Dad anymore, but I did for years, until I didn't anymore.

CiscoTS · 21/04/2025 01:53

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 21/04/2025 00:58

No, it just reinforces what you have lost x

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I haven’t lost any parents yet (and indeed still have three grandparents alive - one was lost in the 1990s when I was a teenager) but having a child has definitely made the “idea” of losing my mum easier to comprehend, if you see what I mean.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 21/04/2025 01:55

Creepybookworm · 21/04/2025 01:15

I am a similar age to you and lost both parents when I was 31 and 36. They were 57 and 65 so not long lives and not particularly great endings. It was bloody hard each time but I think what you are describing is not typical and I can't really relate.

I think about them daily and If I sit and dwell on their passing I feel very sad and a bit bitter and angry so I chose not to dwell on that aspect of their lives. As my friends' parents age I can also see that I have dodged a bullet in terms of having to care for aging parents too although that might sound very harsh. You have to look for positives in life and not concentrate on negatives.

I do think grief counseling would help you.

Yes I see that and I know that we have been 'fortunate' in not having to deal with the issues that come from elderly parents, but fuck me, I am 62 with three children in their early to mid 20s, I am not ready to leave them!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 21/04/2025 01:57

CiscoTS · 21/04/2025 01:53

I haven’t lost any parents yet (and indeed still have three grandparents alive - one was lost in the 1990s when I was a teenager) but having a child has definitely made the “idea” of losing my mum easier to comprehend, if you see what I mean.

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I don't know what you mean. I really ever only knew one grandparent. My children had lost my parents when my eldest was only 9. My last remaining IL died when my eldest was 15.

Langdale3 · 21/04/2025 02:20

What a tough time you’ve had 💐

When I lost a much adored sibling, a friend said that it’s not about learning to live without them. It’s about learning how to live with the love that they left behind. For me this really resonated and bereavement counselling helped me figure out how to move forward. So it is possible.

I found a reputable private counsellor here: https://www.bacp.co.uk And if you think you might be depressed, please see your GP.

You have got this 😘

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

BACP is the professional association for members of the counselling professions in the UK. We exist for one simple reason - counselling changes lives

https://www.bacp.co.uk

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 02:31

CiscoTS · 21/04/2025 01:53

I haven’t lost any parents yet (and indeed still have three grandparents alive - one was lost in the 1990s when I was a teenager) but having a child has definitely made the “idea” of losing my mum easier to comprehend, if you see what I mean.

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I don't see what you mean. You have two parents and three grandparents, you can't begin to comprehend.
I had no grandparents by the time I was 5 and no parents by 22. It's not something you can anticipate ahead of time.

Waitingforspring77 · 21/04/2025 03:08

@LaTristezaDurera I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss and to talk on here anytime you need to. There's always someone to listen.
The bond you had will always be there and the love you shared.
Take care

Velmy · 21/04/2025 03:30

NotSafeInTaxis · 21/04/2025 00:59

That depends. Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. That doesn't mean they don't grieve, but it's different.

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This is very true. My step father's father died last year. They had an extremely fractured relationship with virtually no contact.

He was still upset and troubled when he passed.

Decanteref · 21/04/2025 05:24

YANBU OP and for this reason I wouldn’t try and stop it. Cry if you need to.

Ive list both parents and although I don’t cry every time I’m alone I cry quite a lot of the time. However, although I cry - I also try and think of the best way to have a fulfilling future and create goals in the present

XWKD · 21/04/2025 05:29

You can't help how you feel. I'm sorry for your loss.

Glitchymn1 · 21/04/2025 05:44

My God. Do some posters not think hmmm maybe this isn’t the thread for me, there are some insensitive, quite frankly bizarre posts.

My father passed almost twenty years ago, I still have a little cry now and then. DM’s mother passed fifty years ago and she still gets upset and misses her very much. We weren’t a big family and we’ve lost pretty much everyone. People seem in a rush to get over things, God forbid you feel pain, anxiety, depression - it’s normal to certain degrees. You grieve a loss, it never goes you just learn to live with it. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope things get easier as time passes, I hope you can look back on fond memories.

KimberleyClark · 21/04/2025 05:54

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 00:54

Do you think having your own child/children helps you get over losing your parents?
(I am childless by choice.)

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I’m childless not by choice, my mother died 8 years ago aged 94 and had dementia, my dad died unexpectedly aged 67 47 years ago but I don’t cry when I think about them. I think about the good memories. I don’t think not having kids made the grief any better or worse.

SummerDaysOnTheWay · 21/04/2025 06:30

Glitchymn1 · 21/04/2025 05:44

My God. Do some posters not think hmmm maybe this isn’t the thread for me, there are some insensitive, quite frankly bizarre posts.

My father passed almost twenty years ago, I still have a little cry now and then. DM’s mother passed fifty years ago and she still gets upset and misses her very much. We weren’t a big family and we’ve lost pretty much everyone. People seem in a rush to get over things, God forbid you feel pain, anxiety, depression - it’s normal to certain degrees. You grieve a loss, it never goes you just learn to live with it. Sorry for your loss OP, I hope things get easier as time passes, I hope you can look back on fond memories.

This! There’s no right way to grieve op. Maybe some bereavement counselling might help. Hugs to you x x

verycloakanddaggers · 21/04/2025 06:37

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 01:13

Yes I do have two siblings and we lost another sibling just before my parents died.

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That's a lot of loss in a short time, and losing a sibling at a fairly young age is difficult too.

I agree with others that bereavement therapy might help. CRUSE (bereavement charity) have lots of useful info, a helpline and they can help some people with therapy.

Everyone grieves differently, go easy on yourself

I also agree this thread has had some extremely insensitive posts.

Rainydaysandwellybobs · 21/04/2025 07:40

LaTristezaDurera · 21/04/2025 00:54

Do you think having your own child/children helps you get over losing your parents?
(I am childless by choice.)

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The child free people I know have definitely struggled more with losing their parents.
This is only my theory but if you have no children of your own you are constantly 'looking up a generation' which will naturally come to an end.
People with their own children have switched their focus down to the next generation which assuming all goes well will be their primary focus for the remainder of their days.
I think people without children of their own have never switched from their parents being their primary family relationship so naturally their loss hits them harder.
Edited for grammar!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 21/04/2025 08:05

Could I recommend a podcast? Griefcast is cariad Lloyd talking to mostly comedians about grief and remembering someone. It never fails to make me feel better.