Dh going on at Dd during nice Easter lunch

[Whatarethewordsinthatsong]

Had a lovely day today, Easter hunt with Dd (6) and grandparents, walk to the beach and we made a really nice sit down lunch.
Everyone was happy and getting along well and enjoying the day.
Dd started to get bored I suppose and started to play with some of her small toys at the table. I could see Dh getting more and more agitated, then he started to almost shout, saying she was putting the toys in the fish and everyone wanted to eat it etc.
It just brought down the whole vibe of the day, she’s only 6, I don’t know why we couldn’t just have fun and enjoy the day. After that he was in a mood

Aibu to think he’s a miserable sod

He didn't shout. "He started to almost shout.". I'm not 100% sure what that means, but I don't think almost shouting is actually shouting.

I'm with you op. Well, i think i am. I am assuming he didn't just tell dd to stop doing whatever he wanted her to stop doing and then went back to normal when she listened. If that is what he did, fair enough and yabu. You have to tell a child what you expect from them and you can expect from them to not mess around with the food or sit down for a meal.

I assume that's not what he did though. Did he go on and on about it rather visibly annoyed and in a huff? That of course is not OK and I hate when men people do that and ruin an occasion. Even if they have a point. On the long run making nice memories and cultivating a pleasant atmosphere is more important than using every opportunity to make your child behave

Toys IN the fish?? Well no wonder your husband was getting agitated. Is that acceptable OP?

Yep. Let's do away with table manners.....

Yes it matters. Its basic manners that I would expect of any child older than about 3 or 4. Sitting and behaving for a meal is a pretty low expectation. She shouldn't be getting bored because you should be engaging and talking to her.

In the long run, teaching your child table manners is important. 6 is too old to be playing with food.

I have to go for business meals quite often and it is utterly ASTOUNDING how many people have really poor table manners. A friend of mine worked for one of the Big 4 and they had to have lessons on how to behave in business meetings, dinner/lunch meetings etc.

If you start them young with realistic expectations of them not putting toys in the food, then companies won't have to waste their time doing this.

Other people’s food at that.

Mine are older now (mid 20s) but at 6 I expected them to sit nicely at the table. I’m very laid back but couldn’t tolerate kids that age getting up and down.

We stopped eating out with some friends as they allowed their kids to behave like this.

Why would he just sit back and wait for his wife to do something?

Because by the sound of things when OP states...
It just seems the things he chooses to get irritated about aren’t that important to me.

It makes you wonder, if OP doesn't find putting toys in food unexceptable then what other behaviour are they willing to let the DC get away with, especially as they state they didn't even notice whether DC did or didn't, what else goes unnoticed that her DH has to keep correcting.

Maybe the DH is waiting to see exactly how far the OP will let the DC go with this kind of behaviour before they do actually pull them up and correct their behaviour, if he's getting irritated it sounds like it's always been a bit of a wait.

Maybe if the OP noticed a bit more and stepped up her DH wouldn't have to keep telling the DC off.
Just because somethings don't irritate OP it doesn't mean its ok to do.

Since when did it become ‘bragging’ to have well behaved children? It should be a basic expectation imo. It was in my house. If your children can’t behave then try harder.

Yes, she should be taught to sit down.

I recognise you from previous threads OP. You've posted many times before about your dd and her behaviour issues and problems around school.

While I acknowledge there are other factors at play as well, I've long suspected that your very permissive parenting style has a large part to play too in your dd's issues.

Your admission here, that you're not bothered by things that the majority of other parents recognise as important to teach children, confirms my suspicion.

In your eyes, it's always someone else's fault when there's an issue of some sort with your dd, you're blaming your dh in this instance but at other times you've blamed the teachers, the school, the neighbours and on and on. It's never your dd's fault or rather your fault for failing to teach her how to behave, is it OP? Because you've just admitted you don't find all of this important, so don't bother. You're letting your dd down by not being bothered about any of this. Where is she going to learn how to behave, if not at home? 6 is not too young an age to teach any of this, you should have started long before now. Stop using her age as an excuse.

Maybe it's time to take stock and change how you're bringing up your dd. Set boundaries, learn to say no and mean it. It's ok for a child to feel disappointed or upset if things don't go their way. Practice general social skills and good table manners, such as sitting still and listening to adults, on a daily basis.

Get on the same page as your dh, so you're both in agreement about parenting techniques. His views on parenting are as equally important as yours. As a pp pointed out, you don't seem to think his views matter if they're different to yours, which isn't right.

Mumsnetters have told you on your other threads to take control and parent your child. Maybe it's time you start to take the advice repeatedly given to you here on mumsnet, because when you keep getting the same message over and over it might be because there's some truth in it.

A six-year-old putting toys in food and getting up and down from the table absolutely needs telling off. She’s not a baby. I can absolutely see why your husband was telling her off and you should have backed him up.

I agree.

I think you are down playing her behaviour.

It’s ok to tell a child off if they’re acting inappropriately, how else will they learn.

He may have been able to manage her behaviour in a different way by asking her to go and play away from the table or putting her toys away but without actually being there it’s difficult to say whether he was OTT or not.

That's very interesting and a credit to you and your DH that you were able to work through it.

It's inevitable that parents won't do things exactly the same and I guess it might not even be good for the child if the parents became too robotic in their attempts to synchronise! But it's obviously confusing if the diversion is too extreme.

I remember watching two parents getting into an argument on the beach (can't remember the exact details) but I do recall thinking that while the father was actually right he should have backed up the mother in the moment. It was very interesting to watch the scenario play out without being involved and emotional!

This is what I was thinking. I wanted OP to come back and tell us what he’s like generally to get a bigger picture. I’m in a similar set up to what your childhood sounds like so your comment hit home to me.

I’m all for good table manners by the way but there’s ways to ensure good behaviour and a time and a place for things…this includes the child AND THE ADULT…Who actually sounded like he ruined the dinner for everyone and then went off to sulk.

Even if she was putting her toys very near the communal food, you should have stopped her & he was justified in being cross. It's fine for her to play with things at the table but not to fiddle with food that others want to eat - surely you can see that?

And nagging her to sit down while you're eating a meal - totally get that one, too. It's good table manners - who wanders around while eating a meal? You sit down until you're done. Encouraging that at home means she'll be able to do it at other homes & out in restaurants.

At age 6yrs she should be able to sit properly at a table & eat a meal - she's not a toddler!!

It was like this sadly

So what is he like generally? How regularly does he behave like this?

Regardless of your shortcomings as a parent, OP, on which much has been said, your husband ought to be able to control his child without going into a huff or having a tantrum himself.

Maybe he's tired of being the only one to try and parent her at the table and also wanted to enjoy the day? Do you ever say anything to her at the table? You aren't even able to say whether she was putting the toys in the fish.

This means:

He watches her
You do not watch her
He is fed up of being a single parent at the table.

YABU.

Hmm...actually, yes, it does matter that she keeps getting up during dinner. Teaching good manners starts at home when children are young. If you haven't taught her that it's expected she sit at the table for the entire meal, then she's not going to do it when you're out, is she?

But the larger concern is that you and your DH seem to be on totally different pages when it comes to what's important, and you should probably have some discussions around how you want to raise your child.

FWIW, it does sound like he over-reacted when you were out. I think it's ok for young children to quietly amuse themselves during a long meal out with adults. If she was being disruptive or putting toys in the food, I would have quietly told her no, removed the toys and tried to engage her in conversation. There was no need to draw attention to it or raise his voice in public. BUT, if you have very different approaches to what is acceptable behaviour, perhaps he was fed up and this was the last straw. It's also seems a bit silly of you to notice your DH getting more and more wound up but, instead of trying to improve the situation (perhaps by removing the toys, distracting your child, engaging her in conversation etc), you just let it build to the point that he told her off.

It sounds like she was doing something she shouldn’t have been doing but there was no need for your DH and go into a sulk. Just tell her to stop doing whatever she shouldn’t be doing and move on.

He had a point yes, but he's still a dick. Couldn't he, um... parent his own child instead of shouting and creating a scene?