Dh going on at Dd during nice Easter lunch

[Whatarethewordsinthatsong]

Had a lovely day today, Easter hunt with Dd (6) and grandparents, walk to the beach and we made a really nice sit down lunch.
Everyone was happy and getting along well and enjoying the day.
Dd started to get bored I suppose and started to play with some of her small toys at the table. I could see Dh getting more and more agitated, then he started to almost shout, saying she was putting the toys in the fish and everyone wanted to eat it etc.
It just brought down the whole vibe of the day, she’s only 6, I don’t know why we couldn’t just have fun and enjoy the day. After that he was in a mood

Aibu to think he’s a miserable sod

So presumably he doesn’t have anything to eat at that point?
the fact that he can do it perfectly well at nursery just suggests that they have higher expectations than you, which is probably a good thing.

All the posters saying that her DH shouldn't have shouted. Op says "almost shouted" which doesn't sound like he actually shouted to me. It's also not clear if he was angry/in a strop with everyone, or just with her in private.....

Why would he just sit back and wait for his wife to do something? He could have said calmly for her to move the toys away from the food if that was the issue, why wait for someone else to do it until he's so worked up he's shouting at the dinner table?

@Whatarethewordsinthatsong did he take part/help with the rest of the day? Help with lunch? Have fun with the egg hunt? Or was he mostly absent/not involved in the day and Then kicked off at the table? I ask because it's not unreasonable to correct a kids behaviour when needed, they need to learn. And it does sound like she might have been being disruptive tbf. And yeah he shouldn't have shouted but nobody is perfect.

But if he'd been taking a back seat most of the day, then his main contribution was shouting at a six year old then yeah I can see why it would annoy you.

After catching up with this thread I'm amazed at how many people think it's acceptable for their children not to stay at the table to eat.

No wonder the schools are in crisis. Teach your children how to behave in normal society for goodness sake, you aren't being "kind" parents you are setting them up to fail. Which is shit parenting.

It's an interesting one. We started visiting France very regularly when the DC were 8 and 5, buying a home there a year or two later. Almost without exception, every waiter or Maitre D came to our table and complimented our children's manners, sating they behaved as well as French children and that good table manners were rare in British families.

French children are well behaved compared to British children. However French parents tend to be more authoritarian and there is far less tolerance of children with SEN who tend to be more hidden in France. So as with everything, swings and roundabouts.

I still say table manners are instilled from day dot. Firstly with a laugh and a wipe in the highchair when pureed carrot hits the wall but always with a baby fork and spoon provided and mealtimes shoukd always be at the table and shared.

He’s an adult. And it didn’t take much for an adult brain to think 6 year old bored > 6 year old has toys> clear small space for 6 year old to play quietly. But instead he chose to moan and sulk. Has he not realised he’s a parent and so he parents?

DH shouldn’t have shouted and killed the atmosphere.

It’s not really helpful brag about how well behaved your children are! It’s a bit grating…

Why is everyone talking about DH losing it and going nuclear, where by OPs own words ‘he was getting increasingly frustrated and almost shouted?’

So.. he didn’t shout?

So he "almost shouted"? Meaning he raised his voice a bit after telling her a few times to stop and she didn't listen? Can't say I blame him to be honest.

We had two seven year olds and a five year old at lunch yesterday. They're very lively children so had a walk in the morning to let off steam. They managed to behave at the table.

You should have agreed that DD was not to have been playing in her food, and also quietly suggested that DH should correct her in a way that was less shouty and more calm.
The same can be said with a mean voice as with a matter-of-fact assertive voice.

Ask DH to work on his disciplining persona and to not take offence and be moody. Agree to support him in being much more strict on your DD's table manners and being polite with other people. Both be on the same page.
DH's attitude should model the one you want your daughter to grow up with.

I think you and your dh need to have a chat about mealtimes and agree what is acceptable. It helps to go in with a strategy, knowing how long your child will comfortably sit still.

We live in France part of the year, and from the time they were babies the kids have gone with us to nice restaurants where the meals can go on for a long time. We don't allow electronics at the table, but we often, as a family, play a card game or quiet travel game at the aperetif stage of the meal e.g. chameleon or 6 second scribbles. The game goes away when the food arrives, then if the kids finish before us they used to do sticker books/colouring etc when younger, and now will either just sit and chat or play hangman or a smart game or puzzle book or similar that won't disturb anyone (if you haven't come across them, smart games are brilliant!).

Yes, it does matter. At 6, she's been at school for a couple of years and is well used to sitting at tables behaving in a calm way. It is a normal expectation for that age.

If it's a long-drawn out family meal with lots of adult chatter, then quietly playing with toys is fine. It is not fine to put them in the food, especially if it is communal food that people will be eating.

It sounds like you and DH have a clash of values. You sound very permissive, and he sounds more authoriative. Is "almost shouting" just a stern voice? He's going to be frustrated if you think it's acceptable for a 6 year old to regularly leave the table without permission and to mess up communal food.

You need to re-evaluate your expectations in line with her age. If you had a group of children of the same age over, what would it be like if they all behaved in that way? Would it very quickly become chaotic?

@Whatarethewordsinthatsong - it does sound like you’re being too passive about your child’s behaviour. Also, you seem to take the view that if something doesn’t bother you, then your husband’s views are irrelevant. That’s not good for parenting as a team. A 6 is plenty old enough to sit still at a table and not play with toys. If the meal is really dragging on, you could let your DD get down and play nearby with toys. Letting your DD behave badly isn’t helpful to her.

DH and I disagreed on a lot of parenting approaches. We didn’t discuss it enough between ourselves. It took too long for us to work out the need to confer and at least ensure we had consensus where possible. We’ve got through it (DCs are young adults now) but I look back at it now and regret that we didn’t communicate better in those earlier years. Try to avoid that. Talk things through and see where you can find consensus and take it from there.

I used to divert off to a park for an hour before arrival time to let my two burn off some surplus energy so they could cope better with family gatherings. It did help!

It doesn’t matter that your child isn’t perfectly behaved every second . It does matter that you teach your child basic social skills and expectations and table manners. It also matters that both her parents are on the same page so she has consistent boundaries and expectations to allow her to have a safe space to develop and grow rather than not having a bloodly clue what she will get told off for and what is fine. It’s not nice or kind to allow low level poor behaviour because it “doesn’t matter” because it clearly does matter to other people. A 6 year old should know not to arse about and put toys in food generally, but especially not at an “occasion” lunch with other people.

I think you are getting a few harsh comments OP. I can understand not wanting to shout at your child. I had this same sort of issue with DH, where he would raise his voice at DC, and he didn’t realise how loud it was! I am hyper sensitive on this because of my upbringing (my dad was abusive and shouting was one of his traits). After some serious conversations, DH stopped doing this.

I think also if your DH is moody, maybe see if a better time would be had if he was able to slip away earlier from an in law visit. It can be intense to visit the in laws even if everyone gets along and it sounds like it was a long day.

so he "almost" shouted and you don't know if the toys were in the food or not?

I think your DH was right to expect certain behaviour at a table from a 6 year old, may not have said so in the best way possible, but that does not excuse the behaviour he expected.

no-one can possibly say whether your husband was unreasonable or not without knowing whether your daughter was playing with everyone’s food.
If she was, 6 is far too old for such behaviour and he had a point.

He is teaching her table manners which a lot of parents fail to do now. He is 100% right.

whoever was sitting nearest her should have stopped her playing with her toys around the fish. I'd have been furious if a 6 year old - who should know better - was pulling a stunt like that.

And just because things aren't important to you that are important to him, doesn't mean they are not important. You both have different values. So have a calm discussion between you where the red lines are - agree on where the behaviours move into unacceptable and then tell your daughter that.

He clearly needs to learn not to get angry and shouty, but you need to take his requests seriously too.

ETA: re-read the op. He didn't actually bellow. And you could see she was winding him up. OP you have to parent. If you can see it coming, and you don't like it, you can head him off at the pass by telling your child to behave. Or tell her to leave the table and read a book.

Yes it does matter!!!!

But if mum wasn’t doing anything g about the dad had to