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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh going on at Dd during nice Easter lunch

152 replies

Whatarethewordsinthatsong · 20/04/2025 22:42

Had a lovely day today, Easter hunt with Dd (6) and grandparents, walk to the beach and we made a really nice sit down lunch.
Everyone was happy and getting along well and enjoying the day.
Dd started to get bored I suppose and started to play with some of her small toys at the table. I could see Dh getting more and more agitated, then he started to almost shout, saying she was putting the toys in the fish and everyone wanted to eat it etc.
It just brought down the whole vibe of the day, she’s only 6, I don’t know why we couldn’t just have fun and enjoy the day. After that he was in a mood

Aibu to think he’s a miserable sod

OP posts:
Kitchensnails · 21/04/2025 08:31

Marvelsquirrel · 21/04/2025 08:29

Maybe they don’t eat at the table a lot because of the grumpy dad. Maybe she was just burned out from a busy day and was finding it hard to sit still. Maybe it’s the first time she’s done it. Maybe no one has ever told her it’s wrong. Maybe she’s neurodiverse and sitting still is hard
for her.
Whatever the reason she should be told it’s wrong and why so she has a chance to put it right. Just because she’s got to six without knowing this it doesn’t mean she now deserves to be shouted at. She won’t learn anything except to be nervous of her dad.

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Well yes there are a lot of what ifs you could assume if you're keen to paint the dad as the villain.

TaggieO · 21/04/2025 08:31

Playing with toys wouldn’t bother me but I absolutely wouldn’t be allowing my child to put toys in the food other people were eating. That’s really not acceptable.

I wouldn’t shout though, I’d tell her not to, and why, and take the toys away then send her down from the table.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 08:34

Marvelsquirrel · 21/04/2025 08:29

Maybe they don’t eat at the table a lot because of the grumpy dad. Maybe she was just burned out from a busy day and was finding it hard to sit still. Maybe it’s the first time she’s done it. Maybe no one has ever told her it’s wrong. Maybe she’s neurodiverse and sitting still is hard
for her.
Whatever the reason she should be told it’s wrong and why so she has a chance to put it right. Just because she’s got to six without knowing this it doesn’t mean she now deserves to be shouted at. She won’t learn anything except to be nervous of her dad.

Show quote history

So she's been badly parented then by at least one parent who has poor standards. I think that's what you are saying. To a degree I accept the excuses for the child but not for the mother.

Mix56 · 21/04/2025 08:36

It’s good parenting to teach kids to behave well at the table.
If she had finished eating she could have been allowed to get down.
The best memories I have of my Dad, were stories he told about his life with my uncle as boys. Things I would never have known if we werent sat together at family meals.
Your H is being childish to carry on huffing,
he could have simply told her to behave.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2025 08:38

Flutterbyby · 21/04/2025 00:12

Are you high? He was on it, and OP is bitching about him actually parenting when she couldn't be arsed.

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Shouting at a 6 year old and getting in a strop is “parenting” to you? Jeez. If he’s not able to calmly correct a child’s behaviour without getting aggressive / in a strop, he shouldn’t be around children.

olympicsrock · 21/04/2025 08:38

I’m team DH here . Sounds like DD was behaving badly and he intervened . Perhaps he is utterly fed up because you don’t inforce good table manners and so DD suffers from inconsistent messages about what is ok.

Tiedbutchorestodo · 21/04/2025 08:40

He shouldn’t shout but I’m mostly on his side re the table manners. We’ve always had a no toys or electronics at table rule (activity book acceptable in the meal was going to be a long one) and no one gets up from the table until everyone is finished and the children ask if they may get down. Everyone is different on this and you need to agree on your boundaries.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2025 08:42

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 07:55

How does a child get to the age of six, having never been told they can't put toys in food, have toys at the table or Bob up and down at the table? Not just when guests are there but as absolute and basic expectations.

At 6, mine engaged in the conversation, used their cutlery properly and would have passed something nicely.

What seems to have happened here, is that the DH shouted at the child because he was incandescent with his wife's lack of parenting and failure to teach or acknowledge basic table manners. He was wrong to do that. However, that does not make the child's disgraceful table manners right.

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Is this real? Who are you? Why is it the wife’s sole responsibility to teach table manners? If the husband wants to see better table manners why isn’t he teaching them rather than getting angry at the wife and child?

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 21/04/2025 08:44

If she wasn’t behaving, then yes she should be pulled up on it but no need to be angry and no need to be in a mood the rest of the day. Remove toys, eat food, leave table and play.

Kitchensnails · 21/04/2025 08:44

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2025 08:42

Is this real? Who are you? Why is it the wife’s sole responsibility to teach table manners? If the husband wants to see better table manners why isn’t he teaching them rather than getting angry at the wife and child?

Show quote history

It sounds like this is a pattern, he tries to discipline DD but is undermined by his wife who then moans about it and doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's hard if one parent is trying and the other isn't.

MereNoelle · 21/04/2025 08:44

I would be fine with my 6 year old playing with small toys at the table at home during a long family sit down meal. I wouldn’t be fine with my 6 year old playing with food/putting toys in the food. So I guess it depends what she was actually doing as to whether I think YABU or not.

Squirrelblanket · 21/04/2025 08:47

I have two nephews and my sister and husband are big fans of 'gentle parenting' (as in the kids do what they want). We let a lot things go, but one thing I can't stand is messing with food. Team husband here.

Livelovebehappy · 21/04/2025 08:48

Whatarethewordsinthatsong · 20/04/2025 22:51

I’m not too sure if she was actually putting toys in it, but playing around. It just seems the things he chooses to get irritated about aren’t that important to me. Telling her off for not sitting down every second when eating (we’re at home, does it really matter that much?)

Yep. Definitely putting the toys in the fish….

Livelovebehappy · 21/04/2025 08:51

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 21/04/2025 08:42

Is this real? Who are you? Why is it the wife’s sole responsibility to teach table manners? If the husband wants to see better table manners why isn’t he teaching them rather than getting angry at the wife and child?

Show quote history

Clearly he was trying to reach her table manners on this occasion. Which is why OP posted, because sounds like she’s ‘that’ parent, who allows dd free reign to do what she pleases……

CandidHedgehog · 21/04/2025 08:51

The whole point of expecting a child to have good table manners even when it’s ’just at home’ is to let them practice for eating in public / in front of guests so they don’t show themselves (and their parents) up the way the OP’s daughter did here.

I agree with the PPs who say it’s the responsibility of both parents but since the OP has made it clear she doesn’t think it’s important in private, I wonder how much ability her DH has to go against that.

The DH may be at fault in the way he handled it as suggested (although ‘almost shouted’ sounds like the OP is trying to make him sound as bad as possible) but in my view he’s right about the fundamentals. Putting toys in the food is disgusting.

Screamingabdabz · 21/04/2025 08:54

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 21/04/2025 06:47

I've just come back from France.
All British children should be sent there to learn table manners, from the humblest of places to a 2 Michelin starred place, children of all ages sat through meals. No phones/pads/toys. Ther sat quietly, adults interacted with them, yet when they were conversing, kids sat quietly played with colouring books or entertaining themselves.
No reason British kids cannot be taught to behave at mealtimes,mwhether at a 'nice' easter lunch or at mcdonalds. Except perhaps for the fact that many adults here have no table manners and are seemingly incapable of holding cutlery properly.

I wonder why don’t British parents want this for themselves? Teach your kid to sit at a table and to have the required etiquette is surely a no brainer if you want an easy life. You can then take them anywhere. I just can’t understand this low expectation iPad culture of never-let-them-get-bored. Teach them that boredom is part of life and the skills to work around it.

TheShiningCarpet · 21/04/2025 08:55

my five year old neice sat at my Easter lunch with no toys and just ate her lunch and participated in the conversation. She asked to go to the loo and when she returned she was reminded to sit down as we were still eating, so she did. No shouting required at all. if you set the standards, they can achieve. And yes, as soon as we got down we went straight into some activities.

Wiseplumant · 21/04/2025 08:58

My general experience is that men who are sticklers for table manners are arseholes.

Kitchensnails · 21/04/2025 08:59

Screamingabdabz · 21/04/2025 08:54

I wonder why don’t British parents want this for themselves? Teach your kid to sit at a table and to have the required etiquette is surely a no brainer if you want an easy life. You can then take them anywhere. I just can’t understand this low expectation iPad culture of never-let-them-get-bored. Teach them that boredom is part of life and the skills to work around it.

Show quote history

Lots of parent here are lazy

Gowlett · 21/04/2025 09:01

DS is five, won’t sit down. My sister’s child will sit & eat.
I let him just play with whatever he was doing, away from the table. So as not to distract his cousin. I’d love him to sit nicely. Not for lack of trying! Telling him off makes it worse.

I always try to explain things to him, rather than just giving out.

Gymrabbit · 21/04/2025 09:04

Gowlett · 21/04/2025 09:01

DS is five, won’t sit down. My sister’s child will sit & eat.
I let him just play with whatever he was doing, away from the table. So as not to distract his cousin. I’d love him to sit nicely. Not for lack of trying! Telling him off makes it worse.

I always try to explain things to him, rather than just giving out.

So what happens in school when he is supposed to be sitting down eating food?
It is hard to train children to have good table manners and to do things they don’t want to do but being able to sit and eat nicely is a necessary life skill and you are letting your child down by not pursueing this.
Though at least unlike the OP you seem to want him to do it.

Gowlett · 21/04/2025 09:10

Gymrabbit, he’s complies at pre-school as they are are all sitting & eating. He does what his teachers ask. He’s mostly okay at home, with just us. But, in a cafe or my sister’s place, he’s just too excited to sit & join in. We’re getting there with him. He’s naturally exuberant, but he needs to regulate as well.

Marvelsquirrel · 21/04/2025 09:11

Kitchensnails · 21/04/2025 08:31

Well yes there are a lot of what ifs you could assume if you're keen to paint the dad as the villain.

Show quote history

Well yes there are a lot of what ifs. I wasn’t there. But these are some common reasons why a six year old might be fidgeting at the table.
She’s still very young. If her table manners aren’t great then an adult needs to teach her. It’s not the end of the world.
I’m not trying to paint the dad as the villain. The OP said his reaction spoiled the day. So from that I’ve gathered that the way he dealt with his child wasn’t great and upset everyone.
A lot of the replies seem to be jumping on the OP saying her child has terrible manners and the dad was right to react. Or that she should have spotted the problem and dealt with it. And he probably got cross because he was sick of waiting for her to deal with it.
She’s his daughter. He didn’t need to get annoyed waiting for her mum to correct her. He should correct her himself when he notices a problem. The issue is that the way he went about this seems to have spoiled their day.

Topseyt123 · 21/04/2025 09:11

If she was actually putting toys in the food that everyone was going to eat then that was not even remotely acceptable and you should have supported your DH. A 6 year old should really know better than that. Both of you needed to be on it there, as soon as aware.

If she had just brought a toy to the table to sit quietly and play with then that should have been fine.

As I said, a 6 year old should be perfectly capable of knowing this and adhering to it.

You seem so passive that you don't even know which it is. So your DH might have a good point and be justified, or he might not.

Myengagementring · 21/04/2025 09:12

Gowlett · 21/04/2025 09:01

DS is five, won’t sit down. My sister’s child will sit & eat.
I let him just play with whatever he was doing, away from the table. So as not to distract his cousin. I’d love him to sit nicely. Not for lack of trying! Telling him off makes it worse.

I always try to explain things to him, rather than just giving out.

Of course he won't sit down because he's learnt that he can get away with not sitting at the table and carry on playing. At what age will he be expected to have good manners and sit down with everyone else?