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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh going on at Dd during nice Easter lunch

152 replies

Whatarethewordsinthatsong · 20/04/2025 22:42

Had a lovely day today, Easter hunt with Dd (6) and grandparents, walk to the beach and we made a really nice sit down lunch.
Everyone was happy and getting along well and enjoying the day.
Dd started to get bored I suppose and started to play with some of her small toys at the table. I could see Dh getting more and more agitated, then he started to almost shout, saying she was putting the toys in the fish and everyone wanted to eat it etc.
It just brought down the whole vibe of the day, she’s only 6, I don’t know why we couldn’t just have fun and enjoy the day. After that he was in a mood

Aibu to think he’s a miserable sod

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 21/04/2025 07:18

babyandtoddlergrwp · 21/04/2025 06:57

Is this a build up? Does he suck the joy from things regularly? What’s he like day to day?

Only on mn is a child being told off for being badly labelled as 'sucking the joy'!

LucyMonth · 21/04/2025 07:24

To the people who keep bringing up shouting…

I could see Dh getting more and more agitated, then he started to almost shout

That’s what we’re talking about here. A parent getting increasing annoyed and “almost shouting”.

saraclara · 21/04/2025 07:26

Dd started to get bored I suppose and started to play with some of her small toys at the table. I could see Dh getting more and more agitated,

So why didn't you step in calmly and redirect your daughter?

HugelyExpensiveCrystalDuck · 21/04/2025 07:31

Children do get bored at a long meal but it’s up to the adults to make sure they are talking to her and keeping her interested in what’s happening. Six is old enough to sit with her own family and chat through a meal. I wouldn’t give a NT six year old toys a meal, I’d expect them to be able to manage. I work with 4 and five year olds.

TaupeMember · 21/04/2025 07:31

If he's not usually too grumpy, did it really matter he asked her to not play with the food?

6 year olds can be annoying, simple as that. Still in the parenting small children phase and tempers can be frayed, they're tiring.

Just move on.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 07:35

Why did a six year old have toys at the table at all?

Why was a six year old constantly bobbing up and down from the table? Did they ask at all if they may get up?

Why would a six year old ever be allowed to play with, touch food in/on a serving dish or think it acceptable.

The child appears to have shocking table manners and op appears not to care or to have instilled any. I imagine the op's dh was more traditionally (correctly) brought up than the op

The issue is probably not about lunch yesterday but about the way the child is being brought up generally, which showed up her father in front of his parents. If this is not put right, the child will show show up herself as she gets older and eats out with others/goes for teas. People will judge.

I recommend the child sits on the stair for six minutes and the op for a minimum of 30, every time the child exhibits bad table manners in future.

Marvelsquirrel · 21/04/2025 07:42

He shouldn’t have shouted at her. He should have been a parent and asked her to stop putting her toys near their food, and when she inevitably asked why he could have explained that the toys are dirty and it was spoiling the food. I’m sure she didn’t realise she was upsetting everybody because no one had told her. And most likely she would have stopped doing it, and thought twice about doing it another time, if she was spoken to like a human being.
Going straight to the nuclear option is deeply unfair. The child needs to know she’s doing something wrong and have a chance to put that right before she gets told off.
I understand why the OP is upset. The dad’s outburst ruined the day. It wasn’t necessary and there was a much better way to handle it. He’s teaching his daughter to be afraid of him and walk on eggshells in case she does something wrong with it realising it.
My son can’t sit still at the table either. It’s perfectly normal for a six year old.

Rastyopolis · 21/04/2025 07:47

I don’t think he’s being a miserable sod, if she was 2 then yes but a 6 year old should be able to sit at a table without toys during a meal.

DorothyStorm · 21/04/2025 07:52

Putting toys in the food everyone was eating wasn't acceptable.

it also sounds like her behaviour at the table wasnt good generally. Do you have all meals at the table?

and it sounds like you let her do what she wants.

he was wrong to shout but i also find it unlikely he went from nice, happy, no issues to shouting in one move. Had she already been spoken to about behaviour?

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 07:55

Marvelsquirrel · 21/04/2025 07:42

He shouldn’t have shouted at her. He should have been a parent and asked her to stop putting her toys near their food, and when she inevitably asked why he could have explained that the toys are dirty and it was spoiling the food. I’m sure she didn’t realise she was upsetting everybody because no one had told her. And most likely she would have stopped doing it, and thought twice about doing it another time, if she was spoken to like a human being.
Going straight to the nuclear option is deeply unfair. The child needs to know she’s doing something wrong and have a chance to put that right before she gets told off.
I understand why the OP is upset. The dad’s outburst ruined the day. It wasn’t necessary and there was a much better way to handle it. He’s teaching his daughter to be afraid of him and walk on eggshells in case she does something wrong with it realising it.
My son can’t sit still at the table either. It’s perfectly normal for a six year old.

How does a child get to the age of six, having never been told they can't put toys in food, have toys at the table or Bob up and down at the table? Not just when guests are there but as absolute and basic expectations.

At 6, mine engaged in the conversation, used their cutlery properly and would have passed something nicely.

What seems to have happened here, is that the DH shouted at the child because he was incandescent with his wife's lack of parenting and failure to teach or acknowledge basic table manners. He was wrong to do that. However, that does not make the child's disgraceful table manners right.

SlagPit · 21/04/2025 07:59

She should be capable of sitting down and not messing around with other people's food. You didn't notice her doing it, but he did, and instead of backing him up you undermined him.

Sunnyside4 · 21/04/2025 08:00

If she'd finished eating, then it'd be fine playing with small toys at table/drawing. However, it needed to happen in her own eating space, so depends how close she was really getting to a serving plate.

Moonnstars · 21/04/2025 08:01

How long had you all been sat at the table for? I am guessing the toys were before you started eating by the comment about her putting them in the food?
Maybe consider timings a bit better so she doesn't have chance to get bored and restless. Also as others have mentioned, if all the adults are enjoying a sit down around the table and chatting you need to make sure she is included otherwise she is going to get bored.
I think your partner was correct to tell her off for putting toys in the food (you say you weren't sure if she did or not, so you can't say he didn't see her do this and you did see her with toys by the food so I would trust him on this). Also agree she shouldn't be getting up and down. This is why kids do this in the dining hall at school by being allowed at home. Children need to learn that the table is for sitting and eating. At school if children are up and about while eating they could bump into other children who are just entering the hall making them drop trays of food, there is the risk of choking and it is not a playground.
You might have been having a lovely time chatting with family but sounds like you weren't really watching your child.

Createausername1970 · 21/04/2025 08:03

Whatarethewordsinthatsong · 20/04/2025 22:51

I’m not too sure if she was actually putting toys in it, but playing around. It just seems the things he chooses to get irritated about aren’t that important to me. Telling her off for not sitting down every second when eating (we’re at home, does it really matter that much?)

At 3 my DS was expected to sit at the table nicely.

So no, he is not being unreasonable to expect a 6 year old to stay put. If she doesn't learn basic manners at home, where will she??

Redpeach · 21/04/2025 08:03

SlagPit · 21/04/2025 07:59

She should be capable of sitting down and not messing around with other people's food. You didn't notice her doing it, but he did, and instead of backing him up you undermined him.

Or did he undermine op?

TheCurious0range · 21/04/2025 08:04

We had a surprisingly similar day, Easter hunt in the morning, my parents visited, we had a walk to the beach then a nice late lunch which included fish, my very active six year old knows that toys are not for the dinner table, let alone driving into a fish platter and was more than able to stay seated during a two course lunch and just chatted with people at the table.
Your expectations for a 6 year old are too low. No wonder your husband is frustrated

familyissues12345 · 21/04/2025 08:05

I think you both have different parenting styles and need to find a way to find a middle ground so that your daughter can understand the boundaries

Meanttobeworking · 21/04/2025 08:19

Well she shouldn’t have been putting her toys in the food. That’s gross. It probably wasn’t necassary for him to shout though. Couldn’t he have just told her to stop?

Thephantom · 21/04/2025 08:22

Sorry OP, if you are not sure about whether or not your dd was putting toys in the dishes I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. If you could see your dh getting increasingly irritated by your dd's behaviour why weren't you keeping a better eye on her, esp if you didn't want her to get told off?

Kitchensnails · 21/04/2025 08:22

He was probably sulking because you didn't back him up. A 6 year old doesn't need to be putting small toys into food, and I'm intrigued by the 'almost' shouted- did he or didn't he? It's fine to set boundaries for children in settings such as this, personally I'd have said something like I'll play with you and your toys when we have finished lunch or similar so it wasn't just a no don't play with them; but how is it unreasonable to ask a child to not put their stuff in the fish?

HPFA · 21/04/2025 08:25

My partner was always a bit more "relaxed" than me in parenting.

Even though he was - and is - a very involved and committed parent it was still occasionally annoying to feel you had to be the "baddie".

So I doubt that the husband's "almost shouting" was any more than the normal reaction of a parent seeing a child misbehaving (and no, a six year old without SN shouldn't need toys at a table) , especially as I suspect he frequently has to be the one enforcing behaviour.

echt · 21/04/2025 08:28

then he started to almost shout

So he didn't shout.

FFS OP, you sound like every pupil ever who said the teacher shouted at me. Not.

Marvelsquirrel · 21/04/2025 08:29

RosesAndHellebores · 21/04/2025 07:55

How does a child get to the age of six, having never been told they can't put toys in food, have toys at the table or Bob up and down at the table? Not just when guests are there but as absolute and basic expectations.

At 6, mine engaged in the conversation, used their cutlery properly and would have passed something nicely.

What seems to have happened here, is that the DH shouted at the child because he was incandescent with his wife's lack of parenting and failure to teach or acknowledge basic table manners. He was wrong to do that. However, that does not make the child's disgraceful table manners right.

Show quote history

Maybe they don’t eat at the table a lot because of the grumpy dad. Maybe she was just burned out from a busy day and was finding it hard to sit still. Maybe it’s the first time she’s done it. Maybe no one has ever told her it’s wrong. Maybe she’s neurodiverse and sitting still is hard
for her.
Whatever the reason she should be told it’s wrong and why so she has a chance to put it right. Just because she’s got to six without knowing this it doesn’t mean she now deserves to be shouted at. She won’t learn anything except to be nervous of her dad.

Sirzy · 21/04/2025 08:30

I’m struggling to see why people say the parent who was trying to ensure good table manners is the one in the wrong here!

HeartyViper · 21/04/2025 08:30

If she was 3, I would say your DH was unreasonable.
At 6, I think it sounds like he was minding her and you weren’t - and she should be able to sit through the duration of dinner without getting up and down, or faffing with toys in food people are about to share. Then once eaten nicely, I would have said for her to get down from the table and go play as prolonged adult conversations are boring.
That being said, manners do matter. I understand that there are situations where children misbehave, of course I do, but they need to be taught how to behave or else they never will.
Bottom line is, DH noticed her doing something she shouldn’t, you didn’t, and he corrected her. He likely shouldn’t have shouted but perhaps her behaviour niggled at him for a bit and he overreacted in the moment.
Sounds like you need a conversation about expectations of behaviour and how you’ll both deal with it so that your DD has clear understanding of what’s expected of her.