Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

You should both be happy to support each other with a weekend day off anyway.

Even if he works full time and earns well, if he lives in a house as opposed to a hotel, then he needs to be responsible for some household chores and be happy to do them to understand what it takes to live a nice life.

Even if he works full time and earns well, if he lives in a house as opposed to a 24/7 childcare facility, he needs to be responsible for some parenting duties and be happy to do them. If he agreed and planned to have children, what could be a more wonderful privilege than to help bring them up when not at work, sharing the sheer hard work as well as the blessings.

I do think, though, that you should have shared your ideas and agreed a plan to launch your business beforehand, not just suddenly thrust it on him and expect him to adjust immediately.
Not much of a sense of loving, enthusiastic team work coming from your posts OP. I hope he is willing to communicate in order for you both to come to a better understanding of each other.
Good luck with your business.

It doesn't. It's total nonsense.

Compromise.
Husband needs some regular down time every weekend.
Can you organise your children to be on play dates with a friend's family for half a day every second week?

You then have their friend over on the day that you are not working.
Grandparents might like to spend some more time with kids.
Can you simplify running the household?
Can you get the kids to do more chores for themselves?
Can you put up with a more untidy house for a couple more years?
Don't forget to spend time with DH. Would he enjoy going with you to your work every once in a while for variety and to see you more?
Set some deadlines for your business becoming profitable.
Brain storm with husband, and other achievers, how the business could become more profitable.

I’m all for women having financial independence - and have started businesses over the years where I have juggled home, children, paid employment and developing said businesses to a point where I could work solely for myself and employ others. Because as you say these things take time. This is not OP’s approach.

I am also at a loss to understand why she has not turned a profit; no start up costs little overhead and working 2/3 evenings a week and Sat/Sun where is the money going?? Is there ANY revenue at all? There is a lot glossed over in this post.

on a business level it is frustrating and disappointing to see a woman behaving so unprofessionally - she is not acknowledging the input of her primary investor, and there seems to be no agreement of investment terms, she is not able to account for her profit and loss, income and expenditure, break even point.

These are all fundamental to starting a business, knowing if and when it has become profitable and knowing when to walk away and accept it is a hobby you are passionate about rather than a business.

Being passionate is not enough. My advice would be to get some unpaid work experience in her chosen field to understand the difference between a business and a hobby, or maybe a business studies course to become financially literate. If her primary investor pulls his backing and she has to be financially independent or seek external funding this stuff most certainly will not fly.

She literally said he needs to do an occasional Saturday OR a Sunday. She's not suggesting he works all week and then has no weekend off at all. How often do you hear on here about sharing the weekend. Hand wringing over DH golfing on a Saturday, so MN says as long as she gets Sunday to do what she wants. Well that's exactly what is happening here only instead of golf she is doing something that may turn a profit.

My "hobby" is 2 evenings a week and one weekend morning (sunday). Every 4 months it's also a whole Saturday. It makes no money, as I do it for the love of it and to pass that on to future generations. My DH is a police officer, can work anywhere from 40 hours to 60 hours (sometimes more) a week. You know what my husband does when I go do my hobby, he kisses me, says have a good time and then gets on with being a dad and husband.

I was a sahm when I started it, my kids were 4, 3 and 2yo when it began. I'm now 11 years down the line.

But clearly all MN seems to car about is money. The mere suggestion that the OPs husband may need to feed HIS kids and put them to bed or watch them at the weekend for one day is obviously blasphemy. Oh the horror, he might have to whip a hoover round and make a couple of sandwiches. I bet he spends these weekend days with his kids doom scrolling on his phone or playing Xbox anyway! I doubt he's spending it up to his elbows in chores, he literally just needs to ensure his kids are kept alive for 12 hours a week.

@Cyb3rg4l is giving excellent advice. OP, if you want the business to grow, you need to think about what platforms you'll use - and will you employ people, will it be a franchise? If it's all about the brand and service then those can't be improvised. I'm not in business, but dabbled when very young and very quickly learned that I was under-capitalised with no idea of what to do after proof-of-concept, no exit strategy. Ideally you would have your exit strategy planned from the start! When costing your time for your own purposes, you need to cost in sick pay, pension etc. so you need to be making quite a lot in fees for it to make sense financially.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel Instinctively I agree - it's not a lot to ask from him. But to play Devil's Advocate, he may feel that they are ships passing in the night and also might not be clear on what she is doing it for. A hobby is meant to bring gratification and meaning, at least, maybe exercise too. And a business is a business. What if this is neither one thing nor the other? This will be resolvable, but probably needs a bit of communication work - worth doing up front to be on the same page, before getting too busy with urgent business needs.

So did you discuss your plans or did you unilaterally decide without a conversation?

I also find your wording odd - I mean does a house really need looking after for 12 hours? Childcare yes but what physically needs doing on a Saturday? I don’t just mean for him but both of you, especially when you have a cleaner.

His argument is that is does enough already and should need to contribute anymore. He used to look after the kids one evening and part of the weekend. I just need a little bit more of his support.

No, but being home or taking the kids to the lessons on a weekend.He just needs to be around & be a parent.

"But clearly all MN seems to car about is money"

Not true. Whenever a sahm posts about how much wifework etc it always seems to come up that both partners should have equal downtime

This does not seem to be the case here ( or at least it has not been clarified)

Or she could also get paid employment to subsidise her business plans and split the extra childcare / household costs. If her husband were paying for ‘wife work’ there would be no renegotiation of terms of employment once a contract was agreed. which may not work to her advantage. You can’t carry wife benefits into a domestic employee employment contract.

I'm not sure it's realistic to expect the sole earner to finish work early 2-3 times a week to support their partners hobby.

One evening and part of the weekend is fair for a hobby business not making a profit, presumably you have school hours too.

If you've chosen a business that requires lots of evening and weekend work, without getting him on board first, that was not well planned

It isn't realistic.

Well the same could be said of his business—he makes enough money if the wifework etc…is done for subsistence wages (ie room and board). He does not make enough money to fully pay for all that she does at a market rate. If he did she would get a wage and ould spend it on her business.

As another poster pointed out, she's paid half the cost of the mortgage, bills, Council Tax, household expenditure, holidays, children's expenses and the cleaner, on top of that she is paid the whole of her training course, the whole of the mysterious equipment she's accumulated, and the whole of her personal expenditure.

Really? Really?
So, OP keeping her employability currency up means nothing? Has no value?
Since when is being a SAHM 'not working'? And her being at home DID support his career.

OP
Keep going with your business. It can be incredibly lucrative but will take time to build. Don't let your husband squash you.
Please don't turn down work for him.

Depressing how many on here think a partnership is only transactional

While also funding everything?
So do 100% of the funding and a good chunk of the practical too?.

Sounds crazy

Being a SAHM is not working outside the home Since always
Duh

And op describes it as fortunately his earnings enabled her to do this

Otherwise they couldn't house and feed the children or themselves

Baffled by some of the responses on here.

Good luck with your business. Anybody who has set up something new understands it takes time to make a profit. Keep going and yes, your husband should stop moaning.

She wants him to come home early from his job to facilitate her hobby three nights a week (and yes, until it turns a profit, it's a hobby). And then she's disappearing off at weekends as well.

Do you honestly think that's reasonable?

I don’t think the OPs husband would be any different even if she was turning a profit and making money or working at B&Q at the weekend - I think it’s the simple fact that he only wants to do so much as he sees anything domestic as women’s work

Depends how early we are talking - 6pm instead of 9pm then yes, I do think it's reasonable. If we are talking 3pm then perhaps not. I also think it's reasonable for him to parent at the weekend when he's had years of having to do nothing in regards to the house or parenting.