Page 8 | Husband unhappy about doing anything

Marg01 · 2025-04-20T19:39:26+00:00

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income. I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business. The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him. The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life. The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home. I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle. a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

pikkumyy77 · 21/04/2025 01:39

Cyb3rg4l · 20/04/2025 23:51

A business exists to make revenue in excess of costs. If it is not making a profit and has not secured independent financial backing it is a time consuming, expensive hobby funded from family finances. If you want your primary investor to continue to have the funds to invest, and also fill the gap at home, then you pick up some of the financial burden to free up more of their time to spend at home, or you make profit to pay for childcare so you can both be working parents. No one can do everything and finances determine what we can and can’t do

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Well the same could be said of his business—he makes enough money if the wifework etc…is done for subsistence wages (ie room and board). He does not make enough money to fully pay for all that she does at a market rate. If he did she would get a wage and ould spend it on her business.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 21/04/2025 01:41

She just wants to do something other than look after her own children, cook or clean and I feel like her DH should support that since she has supported him as a SAHM over the years

They have a cleaner. Husband presumably paid for the training course when she was bored being a stay at home.

WaryHiker · 21/04/2025 01:47

stayathomer · 20/04/2025 21:12

Your friends (and people above) who are saying that are no doubt thinking of it as a hobby as everyone does which is hilarious given that some of the biggest companies in the world started in people’s homes.

A business is not the same as a hobby, it is a business the second you decide you’re going to sell whatever you’re working on. If you had a shop that wasn’t making money would people tell you it wasn’t a business?

I had similar here op with writing. I self publish rom coms that make a small bit but not enough to touch bills so everyone saw it as a hobby until I started making a bit more. It was sad then how the same work I’d done before was now seen as applaudable!!!!

Now I am working in retail too the comments do sometimes come that my salary is only a back up salary and we couldn’t survive on it anyway. Horrible that people feel the need to put people into categories like that and say ‘no you need to do more at work because I don’t feel you’re equivalent to me’.

I think you need to have a big talk but I do agree that you can’t really insist, you both need to come to a compromise

Another one here who always wanted to write rom coms and had no time due to external circumstances beyond either of our control. The moment some of my more difficult caring responsibilities were eased, and I had time to look for a job, my husband insisted I took three years to follow that dream after having put it on hold for so many years.

I was the one offering to get a minimum wage job and contribute what I could to the family pot. He was the one who refused and really stepped up and took over as much as possible in the evenings and weekends so I could make the most of the limited time I had.

It turned out to be successful, and we are both benefiting from that. But I know for a fact that had it never come to anything, he would still have thought it was worth it because he's a decent person who values me and my dreams just as much as his own. Also because he doesn't undervalue everything I've done to support his career and care for our joint children through some pretty tough periods. Both of us see our marriage as a partnership rather than a competition.

It doesn't sound as thought the OP's husband shares that attitude.

PalePinkPeony · 21/04/2025 01:49

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 20/04/2025 21:05

My god, you lot are fucking insane!

She's not asking him to not work, quit his job etc she's asking him to pick up the slack in between so she can do something!

Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this

You're telling me you would all be happy if your partners checked out of parenting and chores on weekends just because he works in the week?

Jesus fucking christ, you selfish selfish people. She finally starts to do something for herself and he won't help and you all think that's okay as it's early days before it's making money. It might start making money if he gets off his lazy ass and helps her!!!

Totally agree.
and you know why women are posting like this? The words SAHM and my husband earns enough.
It’s the same time and time again. The letters SAHM brings resentment, bitterness and nastiness and my god it shows in these replies.
Lookjng after your children rather than paid work and paying someone else to look after them is seen as lowest of the low. Do it too long and your future worth is ground into the mud. You deserve nothing. You leave with nothing.
Honestly these replies are utterly predictable.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 01:56

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 21/04/2025 01:41

She just wants to do something other than look after her own children, cook or clean and I feel like her DH should support that since she has supported him as a SAHM over the years

They have a cleaner. Husband presumably paid for the training course when she was bored being a stay at home.

and what did he think she was going to do when she had finished the training course? Nothing?

They have a cleaner and OP does the majority when the cleaner isn't there. DH isn't going to be doing loads.

WaryHiker · 21/04/2025 01:59

faerietales · 20/04/2025 22:35

So again, where’s his 12 hours a week to do whatever he wants?

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Every bloody evening and weekend up until now. The OP makes it clear he hasn't lifted a finger while she has been a stay at home mother and wants that to continue indefinitely.

dreamingbohemian · 21/04/2025 02:01

Crikeyalmighty · 20/04/2025 23:49

@dreamingbohemian thing is I’m all for this - but as a money making hobby - if it’s not making money why is this? It’s not like building an app or something you sell on that requires 10 months of ‘paid development’ - it’s a fairly low barrier to entry without masses of up front costs.

Well exactly, if the equipment is already paid for, then business must be quite slow to not have any profit after a year

Very very few photographers ever make a living of it

JHound · 21/04/2025 02:08

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 21/04/2025 01:39

Plenty of people manage to "run a home" and work full time. The OP had enough spare time to take on a study course and increased their cleaner's hours. Doesn't sound particularly taxing.

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It’s still a work. And plenty of people struggle to juggle the two.

SAHM IS work. If you outsourced it, you would have to pay somebody.

But the point, which everybody seems to be missing is it is not about income. It’s about chores.

MrsEverest · 21/04/2025 02:10

I don't really understand why you think you were raising the children? Surely your husband was also raising them - paying for my child's food, clothing, shelter and activities is an integral part of raising them that I shoulder as a parent. If it's not my job - whose is it?

Like all parents who take the responsibility of providing for their children that is essential to being a parent, your husband also has to do the other side of parenting which is providing hands on care. Not whilst he's at work, obviously, but at other times.

Equally you need to start taking on the full role of a parent which includes financial provision for your children. The way you split the dual responsibilities of raising children - hands on care and financial responsibility - worked while they were younger, you've identified its not working now.....time to change it.

JHound · 21/04/2025 02:11

PalePinkPeony · 21/04/2025 01:49

Totally agree.
and you know why women are posting like this? The words SAHM and my husband earns enough.
It’s the same time and time again. The letters SAHM brings resentment, bitterness and nastiness and my god it shows in these replies.
Lookjng after your children rather than paid work and paying someone else to look after them is seen as lowest of the low. Do it too long and your future worth is ground into the mud. You deserve nothing. You leave with nothing.
Honestly these replies are utterly predictable.

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For a board full of women I am astounded at the level of resentment and bashing of SAHM’s here.

It’s weird how different this to my life growing up and now where nobody I know sees being a SAHM as a dirty word.

JHound · 21/04/2025 02:12

MrsEverest · 21/04/2025 02:10

I don't really understand why you think you were raising the children? Surely your husband was also raising them - paying for my child's food, clothing, shelter and activities is an integral part of raising them that I shoulder as a parent. If it's not my job - whose is it?

Like all parents who take the responsibility of providing for their children that is essential to being a parent, your husband also has to do the other side of parenting which is providing hands on care. Not whilst he's at work, obviously, but at other times.

Equally you need to start taking on the full role of a parent which includes financial provision for your children. The way you split the dual responsibilities of raising children - hands on care and financial responsibility - worked while they were younger, you've identified its not working now.....time to change it.

She is trying to change it.

The husband does not want to.

JHound · 21/04/2025 02:14

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 21/04/2025 01:41

She just wants to do something other than look after her own children, cook or clean and I feel like her DH should support that since she has supported him as a SAHM over the years

They have a cleaner. Husband presumably paid for the training course when she was bored being a stay at home.

Even if you have a cleaner, unless they come daily / live in you still need to clean as you go.

And most cleaners don’t do childcare nor cooking nor any form of emotional labour / household admin.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/04/2025 02:16

MrsEverest · 21/04/2025 02:10

I don't really understand why you think you were raising the children? Surely your husband was also raising them - paying for my child's food, clothing, shelter and activities is an integral part of raising them that I shoulder as a parent. If it's not my job - whose is it?

Like all parents who take the responsibility of providing for their children that is essential to being a parent, your husband also has to do the other side of parenting which is providing hands on care. Not whilst he's at work, obviously, but at other times.

Equally you need to start taking on the full role of a parent which includes financial provision for your children. The way you split the dual responsibilities of raising children - hands on care and financial responsibility - worked while they were younger, you've identified its not working now.....time to change it.

That's the issue though. It isn't about the financial aspect because it sounds like it would be the same if OP had a regular job that brought in an regular income, it's about the fact that up until now, he financially provided and everything else was up to OP. He didn't come home and then everything was 50/50 and that is why he is moaning, because he has to occasionally clean up after himself and look after his own children.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 21/04/2025 02:47

JHound · 20/04/2025 21:03

She did not give up a high paying job to do something she lives. She gave up her unpaid role as a housewife to try and make her own money.

And he dislikes that because it means he has to cook from time to time.

A board full of women seeing the wife as the problem in this scenario is disturbing.

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Her housewife role was not "unpaid". Her husband paid her.

But instead of handing the cash to her as "wages" so she could pay her share of mortgage/rent and household bills, plus her other expenses such as car, phone, food, clothes, shoes, hair treatments, beauty products and leisure and social activities, as well as her course, he paid for them his own earnings.

HTH

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 21/04/2025 02:50

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 21/04/2025 02:47

Her housewife role was not "unpaid". Her husband paid her.

But instead of handing the cash to her as "wages" so she could pay her share of mortgage/rent and household bills, plus her other expenses such as car, phone, food, clothes, shoes, hair treatments, beauty products and leisure and social activities, as well as her course, he paid for them his own earnings.

HTH

Edited

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That's so true. The "unpaid wife work" complaint on this thread and MN generally is just nonsense.

Walkden · 21/04/2025 02:54

How old are your kids OP?

Sounds like you may have far more downtime than your DH but in your own words yet to "turn a profit".

So he is essentially subsidising your business financially and has my much leisure time then you do...?

Bearhunt468 · 21/04/2025 03:05

How old are the kids? You say you studied a course a few years ago so I'm presuming the youngest is in school. I would be frustrated too if you've got all the free time during the week whilst kids are at school but then expecting the full time person to pick up more especially when you don't need the income as a family. I think it's different when people need the income then yes someone may get a job outside of typical working hours to bring in an extra income without having to pay for additional childcare.

I'm all for supporting careers but it has to be logical for the family too.

If it's photography based, you say you turned down work due to it being evenings and weekends, then how are you expecting to increase your business to become bigger - e.g. wedding or portrait photographers during the summer probably work most weekends taking photos (and then doing editing during the week) in order to bring in a strong income. Are you expecting your partner to then have the kids all weekend every weekend to be able to do this?

I really think it depends is what conversations you had and what you both agreed when you decided to do this course etc and what the shared plans are for this. And if you've not had this then that's what you need to do. Sit down and together work out how you envision family life to work together with both your careers.

Oblomov25 · 21/04/2025 03:25

I think he has every reason to be aggrieved, we need more details on timelines and costs: when you paid for the course, what this business is and why it hasn't turned a profit yet. If it's not making money it's not a viable business, it's a hobby.

Oblomov25 · 21/04/2025 03:32

Are you a wedding photographer? Or similar?
You need your Dh to look after the kids for 12 hours, nigh on 2 x days, basically all weekend, why you go off and do something you like, that hadn't yet turned a profit. How on earth hasn't it turned a profit? Your costs are minimal, only your time, you give photos to client, they pay. Can't wait to see the expenses of how much you've paid over the years to set this all up. 🤔

Homesickandsad · 21/04/2025 04:27

Crikeyalmighty · 20/04/2025 21:00

@LuluDelulu I agree with you - but it seems many feel if you take the dollar you aren’t entitled to any me time ‘at all’ regardless of whether it’s a business thing or going ballroom dancing for 4 hours

Of course she’s entitled to time off too, and so is the husband. That’s why it matters what the business is and how long it would take to make a profit.

If it’s a viable business that will bring a decent income fairly soon, I agree with OP and her husband will need to split the chores etc. because the OP will also be making a serious contribution to the household income. Or they could use the extra money to hire more help.

If it’s more of a hobby business that will generate some pocket money, the OP needs to do that in her spare time. It wouldn’t be fair to expect her husband to continue to work full time as the sole earner, then do 50% of all household tasks while OP spends weekends on her hobby business. When would his time off be then?

autisticbookworm · 21/04/2025 07:17

When I was a sahp dh still pulled his weight on evenings and weekends. Now I work part time he is responsible for kids one evening and Saturdays.

Why should you support him and not receive any support back. ? Marriage is a partnership.

Setyoufree · 21/04/2025 07:26

Marg01 · 20/04/2025 21:42

He just has to do more housework and childcare.
Previously he had to be home early one day a week and now it’s 2, and very rarely 3 nights, and he had Saturdays free but occasionally he has to look after the house on Saturday. I’ve worked it out and it’s about 12 additional hours that he needs to support us.

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Can he keep his career going if he has to be home early 3 nights a week? I couldn't....

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 07:37

Marg01 · 20/04/2025 23:48

What funding do you think is required? There is equipment which I procured over the years. I am working hard to increase my brand and profile, I am trusting a specific sector which I have contacts and some experience with.
It’s a slow burn, it’s not something that will happen overnight.

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So get a job where the money will come in overnight and see if his attitude changes. I'm pretty sure it will.

BlueSpikeyPearls · 21/04/2025 07:59

Amazon and Facebook were backed by venture capital.

For a personal business should ideally become profitable within 6 months, a year and a half tops. That is if you have no financing.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/04/2025 08:03

sounds like it would be the same if OP had a regular job that brought in an regular income

Easy to test. If the OP got a job while the kids were at school (LA?) and then did an "occasional" weekend job that brought in money and see how DH felt about that.

I suspect he'd be over the moon and would cheerfully clean the bathroom and take the kids swimming or whatever.

Put it another way, if the OP's DH quit work to become a loss making freelance photographer would we support him? He'd be (rightly) torn apart!