Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

Baffled by your response

Absolving oneself of the financial responsibility of funding the whole household and indulging a hobby/ business is a luxury responsible adults can rarely afford.

I mean, I'd happily ditch in my job to set up a business painting cute intricate cards, but I need to both earn money to pay for the household and run the household, that's not something I'm free to do until my kids are grown up and can downsize/ have paid off mortgage.

Even then I plan to just keep parking maximally to support my kids

The OP sure doesn't think or act like a responsible parent

Most new businesses fail. It's delusional to talk of Facebook and Amazon. I mean, seriously delusional!

Earning maximally - typo

But 6pm for say, a teacher is very different to 6pm for say, a supermarket manager. But I don't think there are any jobs out there where people can regularly skive off early to accommodate their partner going out to do a hobby - or even to start a business.

I agree about weekends but they need to be planned in advance. If OP is going to be out all weekend at weddings or something, that leaves her OH with no downtime which isn't fair either.

If this was a bloke doing a "hobby business" and leaving his wife holding down the fort while also working full-time, there'd be uproar.

So if you provide cash you get to opt out of parenting?

But prior to OP setting up her business and trying to then a profit she was a SAHM.

Her husband had no issue with that. His issue now is he has to start pitching in around the house. If OP got a paid job then the issue would remain as her husband would have to do more around the house and he does not want to.

Nope I reckon he'd be fine if it was a paying job.
Problem is it's one that requires him to take over a good portion of her previous role, without her taking over any of his role

Sp he has to bring home the bacon, and then cook it

If the sexeswere reversed, many who say 'but SAHM is a job' would be crying 'cocklodger'

Nope.

But there is no home, no 'SAHM', no food on the table without his earning. Many on this thread deny the importance of this, and it is laughable

@Searchingforthelight I don’t think he would be ok with that either - my ex H wouldn’t have cared if I was at Sainsbury’s doing shifts or volunteering with age concern - it’s the fact that he had to do anything extra at all that stopped him doing social things of his choice as and when he felt like it that became the issue .

OP isn't ditching her job, she's a SAHM. Assuming she isn't sinking the families life savings into the business, there isn't an argument to be made that her setting up a business is costing the family money.

And she's not asking her DH to do more than his fair share, just to cook a meal a few times a week and, y'know, be a parent. It's obvious he has got used to a cushy life with no responsibilities at home and now, when his partner wants to do something more than just be free childcare he is taking the hump.

His issue is he has do any parenting or chores. Because otherwise he would already be doing those things and the OP wouldn’t having been doing it all. Just because he works doesn’t mean he gets to do NOTHING towards their children or the chores involved in having a family. The OP should have some downtime whether trying to start a business or having a hobby. She deserves some downtime too. When he isn’t at work it should be 50/50. It clearly isn’t and hasn’t been. Why do posters think his money is all he need to provide?!

And there us no “home” without her unpaid (to date) labour. No food being purchased, no dinner being cooked etc. Her husband clearly does not wish to do that.

Her husband wants to opt out of any meaningful contribution to parenting because he earns an income. People like you going on about her earning more have missed the point. Her earning more will not fix the problem she has which is he does not want to make any meaningful contribution to domestic life beyond providing money and doing the childcare one day a week.

Once she starts earning more her husband problem will remain.

This is you completely making things up. Nowhere is it suggested he would be fine increasing his domestic workload if her business was profitable.

She has given him her support in his work. She is asking a little in return and he is refusing. It’s fair to set a timeline for her by which he expects the business to be profitable or she finds something else but he does not appear to want to provide any support apart from money.

He also hasn’t taken over a portion of her role. He went from next to no parenting to only doing a marginal amount. She still does the lion’s share of domestic labour while also trying to build a business.

Another one here not understanding how you can refer to your business when you are not making any profit. Yet you are sometimes working at the weekend presumably covering weddings.

You can’t continue to offer photography services without making money. That’s simply doing photography as a hobby. And there’s many out there offering the same services.

He has a point, as do your friends.

My point is demonstrated above

Mumsnet is full of those minimise the need to provide financially for a family, rambling on about running a household, while in denial about providing for the roof over the family's head, theoney to pay essential bills

Just nonsense about the value of unpaid work, while ignoring the reality of getting a paid job

It's laughable

Can’t believe that so many MNers think it’s fine this guy is basically insisting the OP stays a SAHM! He’s got the financial clout so what he says goes…really?
OP if you got divorced tomorrow you would be entitled to half of all assets bc the state recognises your contribution- even if yr DH doesn’t. People change and I don’t blame you getting bored being a SAHM…so YANBU.
Time for a quiet sit down and reflection with him talking about your plans for the future and what you want out of your lives together. Tell him honestly SAHM is not working for you and look together at solutions. Would he feel differently if you took up a paid role rather than the risk of yr own business? Can you get more cleaner, childminder hours? A PP talked about compromise and looking at a range of solutions. The idea that you stay at home and don’t work because he doesn’t want to do more parenting is frankly Victorian!

@Searchingforthelight I must admit I am always quite suprised at the amount of SAHM or low part time roles that many seem to do even with children of school age- I’m not saying it’s not fine if you can easily get by like this but many seem to struggle - when I had my boys in the 80s and 90s basically there seemed to be far fewer part time jobs- it was back full time or your job went . Maybe for many UC has made it viable to be part time if you have kids and are low earners , it does suprise me though how few seem to work full time or significant amounts of part time these days- I do think for many it is putting them in a vulnerable position if all goes tits up relationship wise and there aren’t significant assets to call on - and if you are getting UC and relying on it , it totally drops off a cliff once your kids are 18 unless disabled and still with you and getting carer payments etc

OP is still doing the majority. How is that DH taking over a good portion?

To go back to the OP:

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children

I just don't see the equivalence. She supported his career and in return the whole family benefitted because this paid for housing, food, everything.
Her hobby business is not benefitting anyone. If she had a regular job and income, at least it would be going into savings, her pension etc. So more fair to demand more support.

As it is he should give some support, so the OP can chase her dream, but he was already doing that one night a week and part of the weekend.

Do you think one evening and a bit of a weekend is sufficient parenting?

The OP is "doing the majority" because he works out of the home full time to allow her not to work. "Running a home" with the benefit of a cleaner is not a full time job no matter how much SAHMs protest it is.

To cover a hobby? Yes

that's the extent of his sole parenting, presumably he spends additional time with the family all together, that is also parenting

OP is not working with school age children, they have a cleaner, there shouldn't be loads of extra house stuff to do evenings and weekends.

Maybe the whole family would benefit because the OP would actually be doing something she finds fulfilling instead of being a SAHM all the time? Maybe the family would benefit because the children would see that both their mother and their father are capable and responsible for their day to day care?

There are plenty of fulfilling things to be done that are either paid work or can be done during school hours

Asking your husband to come home early 2-3 times a week when there are literally countless other things you could have chosen to do, is not ideal

He did that when she was a SAHM.

It’s interesting though that you think him earning an income means he only has partake in domestic life to the tune of one evening and a bit of a weekend.

Oh please. This wittering on about "unpaid labour" is embarrassing. The OP is not "unpaid". The OP gets half the mortgage, utilities, Council Tax, household bills, holidays, cost of raising their children and last but by no means ,least, the cleaner paid for by him. I bet she has her own car, which he pays for, then there's the full cost of her course and equipment and her personal clothes, etc

All this dramatic "there'd be no home" stuff is cringe making. How do you think everyone else with paid employment manages?