Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

A business exists to make revenue in excess of costs. If it is not making a profit and has not secured independent financial backing it is a time consuming, expensive hobby funded from family finances. If you want your primary investor to continue to have the funds to invest, and also fill the gap at home, then you pick up some of the financial burden to free up more of their time to spend at home, or you make profit to pay for childcare so you can both be working parents. No one can do everything and finances determine what we can and can’t do

"I don’t understand why OP is getting a hard time, "

She and her husband made an agreement. He works 5 days a week. He has two days off to spend with his family. Now, in taking a full weekend day for her vanity project, his workload has increased and his family time has decreased and it does sound like he's paying for a hobby project with little chance of showing a profit.

If OP was a father who wasn't working and the wife was supporting along with the kids and he was taking a full day to work on his own project that had shown no profit leaving his wife to do everything, he'd be ripped a new one.

Mmmm so you’ve already bought all the equipment over the years which must be the major setup cost covered but you haven’t made a single penny profit

Yeah no I wouldn't want to bankroll something with this low an earning potential either and I think you are rather cheeky!

If a man starts a business do people refer to it as a hobby that pays pocket money or is this engrained sexism?

Building a brand? Legal and professional advice? Accountancy services? Public liability insurance? Studio space and equipment? Web site? Networking events? Gallery space/rental, framing supplies, framing services? Office Space? Travel? Equipment insurance/replacement? Are none of these line items in your business plan?? Is there actually a written plan you have shared with your partner at least or this more a case of you have a camera and a dream? Which is totally OK but is not a business and changes the ask in relation to your partner

Thank god for your reply. I was thinking I'd mistakenly landed on a surrendered wives page!

No. It is an economic reality which requires women also to not indulge financial delusions of sustainability

I started a business that didn’t turn a profit for a year and that my DH supported. It wasn’t a hobby, it was me turning my professional training into a tangible business which now it is. The sexism on this thread is insane. Of course the OP’s DH should care about her happiness and long term financial prospects. He just doesn’t want to do domestic chores!

He’s isn’t loosing any family time. He is managing the family time he already has himself occasionally instead of having his wife do it for him. Not everyone works Monday to Friday, many people work weekends and I guarantee they don’t all go around accusing each other of stealing family time and creating extra work for each other. If op had a salaried job then people wouldn’t be getting hysterical over her leaving the home occasionally on weekends. Over half of businesses don’t make a profit in the first year. If things don’t change after that time period then it would be reasonable to reconsider her options but I really don’t think most men during the first year of running a business would be treated the way op is being treated in the responses. I doubt they would be expected to look after the kids to the same extent either.

What does it matter if he has an office job? He's obviously earning enough to keep the family in very comfortable circumstances (no 2nd income needed, employing home help etc), which means he's almost certainly working in a high level, high stress, high consequence environment.

If OP, who has zero financial responsibility, wants to redistribute the responsibilities at home, eating into his presumably meagre downtime, she should be prepared to contribute financially in some way too.

If her business isn't allowing her to do that, it isn't viable.

He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life He’d need to be earning in the tens of millions for me to be either running the home, or being on call ready to run the home, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Who the fuck does he think he is? More importantly, who does he think he married? An employee would have better working conditions.

However, I think your friends are right to urge you to be cautious, albeit for a different reason. I think you’re rapidly approaching a crossroads in your marriage. He doesn’t sound the sort of man who would be willing to support your career the way you have supported his. He was fine with you doing your course because it didn’t impact on him. But the more successful your business becomes, the more it’s going to demand your attention. This sort of man is the particularly entitled sort who firmly believes that your job is to look pretty, make sure nothing in the house demands his attention and ensure that the children aren’t going to make any demands on him. I think you might well find yourself being presented with an ultimatum; you’ve had your fun and your little bit of independence, now get back into the home and be my wife again or else.

I hope you will continue with your business, make a huge success of it and have him and your friends see you as a woman in your own right and not merely as a support human. But you need to be prepared in case I’m right and this ultimatum is just over the next hill. Don’t be blindsided by it. Start thinking about what you want your future to look like.

On the contrary, the husband working to provide for the whole household is most definitely taking part in that household!

What ridiculous nonsense is spouted on this and similar threads

Someone has to bring home the money to provide a roof over their head and put food on the table. Essential to any household, I should think.

That PP is making no sense.

She is adamant at OP for expecting her husband to do some chores….but also thinks it is unfair for him to do chores.

Literally zero sense!

He is not taking part in the household. He is just contributing money.

That’s it. In terms of his life before and after kids there has been no change to bisexuality workload

All the rest of the time when he is not working / sharing domestic load. Same as her. Currently he does no childcare or domestic work. You said he should be doing “some” and now he is.

So what is your issue?

So how many hours of “domestic stuff” between 0 and 12 is sufficient as before she started her business he did 0?

Agreeing to be a SAHM doesn't mean that OP agreed to do it forever. OP isn't also leaving him to do everything, she still does the majority.

A woman today would be crazy to 100% rely on a man to bring home to money and just stay at home, absolving him of any home duties. Men can and do walk out of their marriages, as regular MN posts tell us. Even in happy families, men can get sick, disabled or lose their capacity to work because of bad luck. It was my husband’s biggest fear not being able to provide. It’s financially prudent for the female partner to maintain her ability to bring in income through working at least part time and this only works if both partners share the load.

And for goodness sake, the OP was only asking her DH to sometimes help out on weekends. He could easily outsource if needed, have the meals delivered and bring in a cleaner, which would free up one on one time with the kids.

I'm sorry but I don't really understand @Marg01.

My DH earnt enough for me not to work for seven years. In that time I still had a cleaner and some paid nursery. DH focused on career not domestic stuff.

When I went back to work initially, it was for 18 hours pw and I cleared £600pcm.

Two years later I increased to full time and we got an au-pair.

When I earned full-time I took the DC to school before work, started work (locally) at 9.15 and was home by 6ish. DH started work at 7.15 and was usually home by 9.15pm. We had equal free time. Financially he contributed significantly more than me. As a team we contributed different things for the greater good of the family.

I never cleaned

Agreed. But if she is not being a SAHM and she is also not bringing income in and her activities are costing money to fund in start up costs and extra shifts for the cleaner, hubby continues to work full time to fund everything and has less time with his wife and is solo parenting 2/3 nights a week and half the weekend what is the point? To me this reads as less of a business and more of a hobby that has got out of hand. We don’t have to be SAHMs forever but in a partnership we do have to contribute and hold up our end of the bargain

He's providing the household. Without him there wouldn't be one. There wouldn't be a cleaner. There would be a SAHM.

My dad did very little around the house, but the house was huge, we were privately educated, there were trips, hobbies, holidays, clothes, cars, nice things...he did all of that for his family. If he didn't have kids, he'd have been able to do something much less demanding for a living, spend his time and money on himself and retire much earlier.

His life before and after kids was night and day, and I'll never be able to thank him enough.

I’ll try and give a balanced response OP!

As others have said, this should be a discussion between both partners. Partners being the key word here.

Your DH probably feels aggrieved as he thinks a status quo and fair balance has been established over many years, and you wish to amend that agreement that sounds like it has worked well for both of you up to this point.

You wanting to change this is also entirely valid, but should be done in a way that works for both of you. I think you both have reasonable points and the problem with Mumsnet is everyone likes to shout at each other because they feel like those with opposing views to them are attacking them. Instead of trying to see each others point of view.

Imagine if your DH actively supported your business goals? What could be done to get you both to that ideal place?

She's not going to magically start bringing in money overnight, it's going to take time, though it doesn't seem to be the money that is bothering OP's DH in which I could at least understand, it's about the fact that he doesn't want to support her by parenting his own children or doing a bit extra around the house. OP isn't asking him to do everything which I agree, would be unreasonable.

I feel like OP is holding up her end of the bargain by continuing doing the majority of everything. She just wants to do something other than look after her own children, cook or clean and I feel like her DH should support that since she has supported him as a SAHM over the years.

Plenty of people manage to "run a home" and work full time. The OP had enough spare time to take on a study course and increased their cleaner's hours. Doesn't sound particularly taxing.