Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

No she is working.

My point is I am clearly home more an OP is and my husband still cleans up and is a parent and a partner.

Her husband is a lazy arse hole.

If the roles were reversed and you were the only earner paying for absolutely everything including your husband's expenses and a cleaner, and you'd have to give even more to support him, would you do it? There is so much someone can give before start to be resentful. I think I it's important that you have your own income and very good of you to have plans and projects but you are not saying how long you've been at it, or how much of a "slow burn" this is, if you started last year ok, if you've been trying for 2-3 years and not turning a profit then you should consider another business/job that you can run while kids in school rather than on weekends. Presumably you have lots of free time if your kids are in school, and you have a cleaner ..

I work 14 hours. 2, 7 hour night shifts. I’m home all the time.
My husband still manages to be a parent and a partner. OPs husband is lazy.

It’s a lot of assumptions though. You could assume that evenings and weekends are normally quality family time, and what he’s annoyed at is that now OP is busy with her new passion project he’s having to come home two/three days a week to cook and tidy up, the do the night time routine, so he gets no quality time with the kids because he’s on his own juggling the domestic stuff after being at work all day.

If I was the breadwinner and my OH wanted to go back to work I would consider reducing the amount I worked slightly so that I had more quality time with my kids and could take on more responsibilities at home. What I wouldn’t be ok with is having to do all of that and still continue to be the only one earning any money. What a lose/lose for me. I have to carry on providing, pick up the slack at home, reduce the amount of time that I have for myself whereas my DW has a passion project, a cleaner, spare time when the kids are at school and no obligation to earn any money

How is she working when she's not bringing in any profit?

Yep, really lazy working full-time to support multiple children and another adult

You've no idea if the OP's husband is lazy. He's certainly a meal ticket for the OP.

If either of them is lazy, the evidence points to the OP- what is she doing all day when children are at school?

She is still working just because she isn’t making money yet.

But his responsibilities ends when his job finishes right? And he should just sit there and do nothing? 🧐

So she's not working, she's doing a hobby that she hopes might bring in an income at some point.

She doesn't say he does nothing. She says he doesn't want to pick up 12 hours of solo parenting each week while she tries to make her business work.

If my DH had all day to himself while our kids were at school and I worked full-time, I wouldn't be impressed if he wanted me to finish work early to solo parent while he went out and "worked on his business" either.

Go for it OP, why shouldn’t he spend time with the children and tend the family home, for a whole 12 hours, whoo!
Does he want to sit on his backside as soon as he walks through the door ? Nah bollcks, you go ahead..what are you supposed to do? Esp when you get to retirement age, you’ll look back and think I’ve done nothing with my life, so get out there and do something you enjoy, and if it makes some pennies all the better, if it turns a profit in a year or months, even better. Businesses can take up to 3 years to start making a profit, unless you listen to the fodder the apprentice spew on tv.
Thr bottom line is This is Your life too. True friends will support you and give support. Same old, true friends will show up, others will fade away. Same as when you get divorced! Ignore and follow your gut. Discuss with husband, try and see if he understands this support he should be giving you and what it means to you.

There's no future in belly dancing.

If I was the breadwinner and my OH wanted to go back to work I would consider reducing the amount I worked slightly so that I had more quality time with my kids and could take on more responsibilities at home. What I wouldn’t be ok with is having to do all of that and still continue to be the only one earning any money. What a lose/lose for me. I have to carry on providing, pick up the slack at home, reduce the amount of time that I have for myself whereas my DW has a passion project, a cleaner, spare time when the kids are at school and no obligation to earn any money

100% this @Namechangean . No way would I be leaving my own job early to solo parent so my SAH partner could faff about on a hobby, while having every single day to themselves as the kids were all in school.

Is it? DH doesn't seem to be complaining at all that OP isn't actually earning any money yet, it's all about him having to occasionally look after his children and clean his house because he thinks it's beneath him.

That isn't going to magically change if OP starts earning a bit of money, he'll still consider those things beneath him because he's likely always going to be the higher earner.

He’s not complaining she’s not earning because they’ve agreed for that to be their set up. In exchange OP is expected to be a SAHP. She’s changed that set up, it’s a passion project for her, that’s great, but it’s of no benefit to OPs husband, it’s only an extra burden for him. I don’t see why that’s unreasonable

Also it’s not occasionally, it’s literally half the week

If he's an incredibly high earner then no matter what OP does, it isn't likely to come close to benefiting the family financially.

OP can't be expected to be a SAHM forever just because that might be DH's preference.

So I’m guessing you are a photographer and taking on free work to build your portfolio?

If this is the case, I’m assuming you are now self employed rather than having set up a limited company which means business admin and outgoings should be minimal and it’s the fact the job itself commands unsociable hours rather than you working throughout the day whilst the kids are in school. Entirely guessing and apologies if I’m wrong but if so, I can see why your partner is frustrated if it’s just been an expectation of him rather than a reasonable discussion of what works best for everyone, as you would do if taking on a salaried role with unusual working hours.

Interesting responses here.

First point: he is entitled in thinking that, just because his job is well paid, he bears no responsibility for the general tasks associated with running a household and bringing up children. These are mutual tasks that he has gladly avoided previously because the OP took them on without complaint. He is pushing back now because domestic drudgery is not fun or rewarding. If it's such an issue for him then perhaps he could pay someone else. Given that they already employ a cleaner, surely there can't be that much that needs doing!

Second point: I've lost count of the posts on MN where the consensus has been that women need to safeguard their (our) financial future, especially if we choose to be SAHMs. That appears to be what the OP is doing. The fact that she is gaining some satisfaction from her work is a bonus we should all enjoy!

Third point: OP's role has supported him to build a prosperous career. Time now for some quid pro quo. That he cannot see this is, to my mind, problematic and disrespectful. He appears to take OP's free labour utterly for granted. Additionally, what does it say about his view of his wife that he is too good for such tasks, but she is not. He sees himself as superior because his job pays well. She is inferior because currently her contribution is not financial and not worth as much as his. This is not partnership. This is slavery.

Huh? Any extra income will benefit the family - it could allow him to drop his own hours, for example, or pay for extra holidays or activities.

But at the moment there's no extra income - there could even be a drop in income if he's having to finish work early 2-3 days a week. And there's no guarantee there'll ever be any extra income either.

For me it depends. The Saturdays are one thing and he can probably look after his own kids by himself for a time during what is his leisure time. However, he is fortunate to have a job that pays enough to cover a whole household and I wouldn't want him to feel he was jeopardising his job by asking him to leave early from it an extra 1 or sometimes 2 days a week.

I know I've put in extra time for career advancement but I was making more at the same time so it was easier to see the benefits for us as a family rather than a business that may or may not come to something. (Not to be pessimistic but we've all seen the business failure stats.)

I'd just check the balance too. Are you both out of the house for work 40 hours (plus travel)? You're asking him to cover 12 hours of childcare on his own and are doing the equivalent amount of sole childcare? It can be unbalanced for a time but for years on end is unfair.

So the responsibility of household chores and parenting is directly relative to how much money each parent earns?

My DH earns about 30% more than I do, does that mean he should do 30% less being a parent?? We both work full time, I do 5 days a week, he does shifts sometimes 6 days a week sometimes 2 days a week with 7 days off. On his long rest day weeks, he's off and I'm working does this then mean I get to do 0% parenting?

I'm just trying to work out the quid pro quo here on being a parent?

When MN speaks to SAHM they say they're at risk, recommends they train up on something and start working. But apparently there is only a subset of work acceptable. I'm sure there are plenty of husbands who started a business that took time to turn a profit, my dad did. Was a good few years before his took off, and my mum was a sahm to look after us.

I am sooooooo grateful I have a decent husband and that I am also a person who chooses to lift women up and not spit on their dreams and goals like so many are doing here.

When I went back to work it was a low paid job, made no money as the kids had to go into childcare and DH had to also pick up more slack. But he told me I was there as a SAHM which mean he could progress and get promoted and earn more money and now it was my turn. It took 5 years and now I'm able to contribute financially.

Stop kicking the bloody OP when she's down. She just wants him to step up a bit. FFS

The responsibility for "running the home" in this case will fall on the one who has the time to do it. What exactly does OP do all day? "Running the home" where children are at school and OP has the benefit of a cleaner isn't a 9 to 5 job.

"OP's role has supported him to build a prosperous career."

Is this what has happened here? It seems like the OP has been happy to be financially supported and live a low stress lifestyle where the kids are at school and a cleaner is employed to reduce the "drudgery" aspect.

Now the op's husband is having to come early 3? evenings a week and have no downtime on one day of the weekend as well as working full time and carrying the mental loads of being entirely responsible for financially supporting the children, an adult and bankrolling a loss making business/ Hobby?

By contrast how busy is the OP. What does her week look like??

If the business brought in income such as the op's husband could afford to drop a day a week he may feel differently or if there was a turnaround in the foreseeable future.