Husband unhappy about doing anything

[Marg01]

I wad fortunate enough to be a SAHM; my husband earns enough to not require a second income.
I’ve became bored of being a SAHM and studied a course a few years ago and last year this led me to create my own business.

The business has taken up a significant amount of my time and DH has become rather aggrieved that some of the domestic chores have fallen to him.

The course was well suited to our schedule and we increased the our cleaner’s hours so there wasn’t any imposition on my husband. However, the business is an entirely different beast, which means DH has to sometimes do his share of the cooking, cleaning and childcare. Occasionally, he will have to run the household on either a Saturday or a Sunday and he isn’t happy at all about doing this. He feels his financial contribution mitigates the need to handle the more mundane aspect of family life.

The business has yet to turn a profit but it’s still early days and , I see this as an investment in my and our future, and I am still doing more than him at home.

I’ve told him that I expect his fully support, just like I’ve supported him throughout his career and raising his children, which has raised some eyebrows in my friendship circle.

a few friends have commented that I am being unfair on him.

It’s labour and it is unpaid. There are multiple types of work required to maintain a family - some paid, some unpaid.

Hers is unpaid. She isn’t receiving a market rate salary to spend as she wishes. As such she is unpaid.
And there wouldn’t be home stuff without her as he has made clear he does not want to do much on the homefront.

If you don't provide cash are you opting out of eating and putting a roof over your head. OP is massively entitled and totally selfish and unreasonable.

@Viviennemary out of interest do you feel the same about SAHM ( or dads) ? They aren’t contributing in a ‘cash ‘ sense

Again, from what the OP says, that refers to his sole parenting

Presumably he also spends time with the family the rest of the week, just not sole parenting

Are you saying its only parenting if your spouse isn't there?

It is not "unpaid" it's complete nonsense to say it's unpaid.

Am I missing something?
The OP decided she was bored of being a SAHM, so took a course and started a business, with the view to bringing in money eventually. It isn't really any different to someone going back to university for a few years with the view to earning a decent wage at the end of it.

Being a SAHM often means when you do end up going back to work (which is often when the kids start school), you either have to start again at the bottom of the ladder in the career you had previously, or start a new career, both of which might have to be part time for flexibility. Either way income will probably be low.

What do you expect the OP to do exactly? There are plenty of families where both parents work full time and so they have to share the load. Why should the OP not have the opportunity to start her own career and create her own success and why can't her husband support that? The difference in income is irrelevant as she has the view that it will bring in income eventually.

@Sunflowerz22 it's not the the fact that she wants to start a business that's the issue - it's how she's going about it.

She expects her husband to finish work early 2-3 days a week so she can work (but not actually pull in an income), and solo parent for a full day at the weekend (again, so she can work but not bring in an income).

If this was a bloke working on his "business", while not bringing in an income and expecting his wife to finish work early and cover weekends to accommodate him, he would have his arse handed to him on a plate for taking the piss.

Except her DH can't seem to manage it. He believes that the mundane things should all be left to OP because of what he brings in financially.

OP is unlikely to ever earn more than him now no matter what she does so if that is always going to be his attitude going forward, it's going to be his attitude no matter what OP does for work.

You can't completely check out of parenting or mundane things just because you work full time. As you said, people manage working full time and doing some parenting and chores all of the time.

That is the deal though isn’t it? One parent does the vast majority and the other one works. Otherwise what’s the point in having a SAHP? You could share the workload and have a duel income or you have one person whose time is dedicated to the household. They still deserve down time and support of course but taking on an unpaid job that takes you away from the home for a significant amount of time is something that I think both people need to agree on

Her housing is paid for
Her bills are paid
Her food is paid for
Her clothes are paid for
She doesn't provide any of the above for her children either, that's all paid for

It's not unpaid

It's embarrassing to witter on about being a SAHM and all the 'work' they do when the kids are actually of school age.

Is it?

Surely even if a parent has a SAHP at home, they would actually want to spend some quality time with their children and have the basic respect of doing some very minimum house stuff even if it's just cleaning up after themselves?

That seems to be what OP's DH is complaining about. He wants to come home and do nothing and at the weekends, just do nothing at all.

I would say that's very much the deal.
Otherwise why on earth would anyone agree to being the only financial provider!

If I was the only one working, I would absolutely expect virtually everything done if I were paying fory spouse to be a 'Sahp' with school aged children!!

Id want my time after my hard days work playing and having a nice time with them. Id definitely expect chores done and my work clothes laundered!!

It's entirely different when kids are of pre school age. A SAHP of school aged kids is a luxury in any household and both parents should enjoy the benefits, not just the SAHP!

I work 2 7 hour night shifts a week in order to bring in some money but practically be a SAHM. My husband works full time at his own business.

He washes his own clothes. Parents his child and does basic household chores when he is home if it needs doing. He does this because he is an adult who has a family.

So you both work and bring in an income - that's the difference.

OP is a SAHP of school-aged children and has a cleaner. It's not like she's at home with three under-fives.

It sounds like he doesn't even want to spend any time with his children and moans when he has to spend time alone with them at the weekend. You'd think he'd enjoy the quality time with them after working all week.

Well no, he’s complaining about upping what he’s doing. Which OP has said he now needs to come home early from work 3 days a week and run the household on a weekend. She’s not actually said he refused to do anything prior to this, just that he feels he does enough and doesn’t want to up his contribution 12 hours to cover OPs new unpaid job.

Exactly.

I guarantee if a woman came on here, as the sole earner while their DH stayed home with their school aged children, and asked "AIBU to think DH shouldn't expect me to finish work early to solo parent so he can try and build a business which makes no money" - everyone would tell her was taking the absolute piss out of her.

This should have discussed beforehand. However, the sensible thing to do now would be for him to support you but you guys need to come up with a time frame for the business to start turning a profit, otherwise there is no point the aggravation on your family life for an unprofitable business.

OP says that DH feels that the mundane tasks are beneath him due to the fact that he works. OP also said that 3 days a week is rare, it is usually 2 days a week and one weekend day. Surely that would be likely if OP had a job anyway? Especially during the week.

Coming home from work early so that your spouse can go to work an earn money is one thing, but finishing early so they can do a hobby that isn't guaranteed to ever bring in an income is quite another.

Maybe OP can arrange childcare instead of expecting her DH to cut his hours?

True, everyone will be saying to LTB 😂😂

I have a feeling DH would feel the same way about it no matter what because even if OP was earning money, it isn't going to be as much as him and as far as he's concerned, that gets him to wriggle out of those responsibilities.

I know two people who were SAHMs for 10+ years before going back to work. One of them did volunteer work whilst her children were at school, then got a paid job, and only when she was earning an income did they have to think about juggling the children between them, and paying for childcare etc.

The other one is doing a course one day at week, and they pay for after school club, and her husband finishes early that one day so he can pick up the children.

Both of these situations are reasonable. What the OP describes just isn’t.

But if it fulfilled him and made him so so happpppeee!?
Everyone would say... yayy!! 😆

But you're working almost a full time job. The OP is a stay at home parent of school age children with a cleaner who has already upped their hours to free up (even) more time for the OP to do what she wants.