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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do some women not like their husbands?

416 replies

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 18:51

I mean this thread with all genuine sincerity, because my husband is the love of my life and also my best friend (married 5 years, together 10)

I absolutely love spending time with my husband, and family in general, and choose this above all else.

yet I have friends who would absolutely choose their friends to spend time with over their husband and I just don’t get it?

today is Easter Sunday and I couldn’t fathom not being with my husband and children

yet I have 2 very close friends who are spending today together, with their kids, but not their husbands. And this is the case for almost all things, all the time?

AIBU to think why are women marrying men they just don’t want to spend time with???

OP posts:
PinkScroller · 20/04/2025 20:58

Woodywoodpeckers · 20/04/2025 20:51

I’m so glad I found this thread as I need to vent!

Hate is a very strong word.

35 years married.

I don’t know if I hate my husband but I seriously dislike the fact that he had an accident which has left him with a brain injury.
I dislike the person he has become because of it.
I hate that he can no longer take responsibility for anything and everything is left for me to manage.
I hate that he has lost his independence.
I hate that he can’t make a decision.
I hate that he has no awareness of what I feel or how he impacts on my life.
I hate the loneliness I feel.
I hate no longer having financial stability as I’m the only earner and it’s minimal.
I hate my life more than I dislike my husbands injury, I seriously hate it, if I had the courage to end it I would, but I can’t as my husband would then become my adult children’s responsibility and I couldn’t do that to them.
So, I’m in bed already, just to remove myself from him, tears streaming down my face writing this. Hopefully I will sleep tonight and waken up to do it all over again tomorrow.

Rant over!

Anyone reading this, please don’t reply, things will never get better, I have accepted that this is my life from now on. I don’t need advice or pity, I just wanted a safe place to vent.

Brain injury changes personalities

dayswithaY · 20/04/2025 20:58

Wait til the menopause hits, it changes you.

AtlasPine · 20/04/2025 20:59

I have a parallel husband. We trot along reasonably happily getting on with our stuff. Sometimes we do stuff together. Often not. But that’s ok. There aren’t any rules about how we should be as families.

Yousay55 · 20/04/2025 20:59

My ‘lovely’ dh had an affair when our dc were 1 and 3. I’m not so keen on him now.
I think it’s great that you are happily married. Well done!

SamkaSabrinka · 20/04/2025 20:59

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

I'm sorry but do you really not hear how awful this question is?

Obviously, the people who are spending more time with their friends don't have the quality of relationship that you have. Most likely they married in love and with hope, and over time things have gone awry. They have grown apart.

They are not wilfully ruining their marriages and 'hating' their husbands. How disrespectful to say this. What a mean generalisation.

You are lucky.
Yes, because it feels like that's what you want to confirm.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY.
Well done. You have a lovely marriage.

Lots of people don't, but they try to stay together to keep families together, and they get through somehow, by for example spending lots of time with close friends.

So pity them, don't mock or attack them. Much more gracious to be decent and have a balanced perspective.

AreMyEyesGreen · 20/04/2025 21:02

I think you're getting a rough time here OP & I don't think it's warranted but perhaps those replies are demonstrating your point quite nicely!

We're together 26 years & married 21 this year & we've weathered a lot of stress in those years including infertility, financial worries, loss of parents, v serious illness in immediate family members etc

We are absolutely & without a shadow oh a doubt each others best friends. We adore each other & have a lot of fun together.

We have a wide & varied circle of friends, both overlapping & separate. But they are friends. Not life partners. I (probably more than dh) put a Iot of effort into maintaining friendships & they are v important to me. We're in our 50s now & I've known oldest friend since we were 11 years old.& she is like a sister to me ..

I never, ever give out or bitch about dh with anyone & he does not about me either. I feel this is v important to us. I hate being around people who are speaking badly about their spouses.

I totally understand what you mean OP there are a lot of people who fundamentally don't seem to like their husbands. It's depressing to encounter

And the attitude that I hate, is that it's the norm & there must be something wrong with you if you don't wish to spend your time with your girlfriends instead of him etc

I see my friends v regularly & we go abroad together once a year since our dc have grown up. It's great & I love & appreciate it. But it's not better than spending time with dh for me.

ArtTheClown · 20/04/2025 21:03

I have been married 45 years (no children which helps) and we are still very happy.
I think lots (far too many) women are so desperate for children they marry without giving it enough thought. So no wonder so many marriages don't work out

I also think this is often the case. I'm not in it as long as you, but we're coming up for twenty years, no children by choice, and still extremely happy. Hanging out with him is my favourite thing to do.

Snapncrackle · 20/04/2025 21:07

OopsyDaisie · 20/04/2025 18:59

Wait until you've been married 20 years with 2 kids, then come back to post!

26 years and I still like to spend time with him

out all day today having lunch and then a bar where it’s a beach vibe 😂
holidays and weekends away

I don’t want to spend my time with other people
I want to spend time with him

AreMyEyesGreen · 20/04/2025 21:09

I'm heartened to read that there are other wives & husbands who Iove to spend their time together. And that does not make me a trad wide - v far from it!

Gymmum82 · 20/04/2025 21:19

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/04/2025 20:50

My husband is my best friend. Not because I don't have a close enough friend to call that, but because when you break down what a "best friend" is, he ticks all the boxes.

He has my back completely. I am 100% myself with him. I can be totally honest with him. When I have good or bad news, he's who I want to talk to first.

I love my friends dearly, and if I want to watch a romcom or drink cocktails and dance or go to the theatre or go for a spa day or something, I'll call them rather than take my husband because it'll be more fun.

But you know if you were entirely honest with your best friend, there would be something they'd take offence at, so actually you'd be more careful what you say or how you word things. My best friend will be there for me if I need support, but she will "empathise" by telling me how bad she has it. I don't want that, I need to just talk through my feelings and then figure out my plans. DH knows that, and supports me how I want.

We're not joined at the hip, but he is my best friend. Wouldn't have married him if not.

Show quote history

I must just have better ‘best friends’ because I never have to watch what I say around them and they are FAR better at emotional support than my husband. He’s a fixer, whereas they listen and give advice if needed, but often just listen. Certainly don’t try and one up me by telling me how bad they have it.

Im very lucky and grateful to not only have a fantastic husband but also the best friends anyone could ever wish for. I guess when you already have a best friend you don’t need to look for one in a spouse so it was never something I factored in

Kitchensnails · 20/04/2025 21:19

AreMyEyesGreen · 20/04/2025 21:02

I think you're getting a rough time here OP & I don't think it's warranted but perhaps those replies are demonstrating your point quite nicely!

We're together 26 years & married 21 this year & we've weathered a lot of stress in those years including infertility, financial worries, loss of parents, v serious illness in immediate family members etc

We are absolutely & without a shadow oh a doubt each others best friends. We adore each other & have a lot of fun together.

We have a wide & varied circle of friends, both overlapping & separate. But they are friends. Not life partners. I (probably more than dh) put a Iot of effort into maintaining friendships & they are v important to me. We're in our 50s now & I've known oldest friend since we were 11 years old.& she is like a sister to me ..

I never, ever give out or bitch about dh with anyone & he does not about me either. I feel this is v important to us. I hate being around people who are speaking badly about their spouses.

I totally understand what you mean OP there are a lot of people who fundamentally don't seem to like their husbands. It's depressing to encounter

And the attitude that I hate, is that it's the norm & there must be something wrong with you if you don't wish to spend your time with your girlfriends instead of him etc

I see my friends v regularly & we go abroad together once a year since our dc have grown up. It's great & I love & appreciate it. But it's not better than spending time with dh for me.

But by the sound of it you do spend time with your friends?!

IsThisLifeNow · 20/04/2025 21:21

Bigfatsunandclouds · 20/04/2025 20:31

I read your thread last week and I'm so sorry you're going through this! Hope you and the children had the best Easter you could, you've got this!!

Show quote history

Thank you. Its been a week now and I do feel better. Things are still very unknown, but I at least can function on a basic level again

Uricon2 · 20/04/2025 21:21

I'm happily remarried, but even a little while before his death, when he was very ill, me and my late husband could still talk until the dawn about anything and everything, utter shit possibly most of the time. We had up and downs in the decades we were together but that was a special thing.

However...I also had and have good friends, who picked me up at my lowest point and were there when I most needed them. Such people are incredibly important in any life.

SamPoodle123 · 20/04/2025 21:23

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

You seem very naive. Everyone has different reasons to not spend every free moment with their husband. For example, parents who have children doing different sports during the weekend, that the children LOVE. The dad will take one to lets say rugby and the mum takes the other to netball. Throw a third or fourth child in there and you are juggling a lot and dont get to spend all day together....because you put the children first. Evenings are spent together as a family and day time is spent juggling busy schedules between sports and birthday parties. Or some parents might have a sick child they need to tend to while the other takes the other ones out. And some people like to hang out with their friends, especially if they do not see them much and they get to see their husbands every evening and morning.

Surferosa · 20/04/2025 21:25

I love my husband and spending time with him but I also love spending time with my friends as well. Easter is a normal day in our house and it wouldn't have bothered either of us if the other person wanted to spend it with friends.

I think the reason our marriage works so well is the fact we are so easy going with each other. We both like having lives outside our family, neither of us feels the need to spend every waking minute together and if one person wants to spend a weekend day or go away for the weekend with friends that's absolutely fine. It's something we actively encourage each other to do!

EvelynBeatrice · 20/04/2025 21:26

Because people change. After menopause and freed from the huge time pressure of child rearing, women can become more assertive, more reflective and less willing to put up with male nonsense.

Because male abusers don’t wear a flag that says they are abusers and can mask for quite a while. Didn’t your health visitor explain that the statistics show lots of male on female abuse starts for the first time when the woman is pregnant and vulnerable?

Because life events, illness, money worries, caring for needy stroppy teens and aging parents takes its toll on relationships.

Ten years is nothing - sorry, you sound naive. Marriage is a marathon. Not for the faint hearted or delusionally romantic. It’s tough but worthwhile if your opposite number is a decent human being. But it’s hard.

Hastentoadd · 20/04/2025 21:28

faerietales · 20/04/2025 19:02

My husband is my best friend too, but we don't need to be glued at the hip.

Exactly, some time apart is good, then you can bring something new to the conversation

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 20/04/2025 21:29

I am envious of you OP & all the other happily married couples. I wish I felt that way about my H. The truth is I actually can't stand him, he sucks the joy out of everything & makes me feel like an incapable child so I'd rather do fun things without him. I'm lucky to have friends who are single parents etc to do 'family' things with. Truth be told we are completely different people & have absolutely no common interests.

dayswithaY · 20/04/2025 21:34

I’d be concerned if I knew someone who didn’t have any friends except their husband. In every marriage, one person will eventually be left alone.

Whynotaxthisyear · 20/04/2025 21:35

whatsausername · 20/04/2025 19:05

If my original thread didn’t come across genuine I apologise. I love spending time with my friends! We love going out or catching up over coffee or whatever. And I’m close to a lot of women in my work too. The example I mean is when people seem to ‘replace’ the husband role in their family with a friend.

for example, if im having a day out on a Sunday with my kid; the other adult there is going to be my husband - not my friend!

I just cannot fathom people marrying each other then literally not wanting to spend time together. What’s the point?

You must know that some people show a different side to themselves after a few years, and some people get married hastily because they are scared of being alone or deceived in some way or ‘madly’ in love. How can you not know that? And there are many reasons why people stay in an unhappy marriage.

Bestfootforward11 · 20/04/2025 21:39

This is a very odd post. I think the basic answer is people lead different lives to yours?
I’m not sure what other revelations you hoped to gain. And posting on Easter when some people might not have had a great day with their partner/family for a wide range of reasons to idly speculate why people are not in a perfect relationship like you is a little off in my view. I am genuinely happy that your life set up is good and works for you but no need to judge others/compare when everyone’s life circumstances are different.

Sexyandiknowitha · 20/04/2025 21:40

Agree with you OP. The amount of people who birch about their husband and can't think of anything worse than be with them.

Like why did you get married??? If you don't like him, dump him for someone else.

My husband is my best friend too and we are super happy together with our dog. Anyone who thinks that we are sad are just jealous cos they hate their spouses.

We are the lucky ones to have found our soul mates op. Ignore the hateful comments on here, the housewives who would rather be with their pals slagging their spouses are just wishing they had the same kind of relationship :)

gotmyknickersinatwist · 20/04/2025 21:41

I'm sure someone has already said it but, why do some men not like their wives?

Sexyandiknowitha · 20/04/2025 21:41

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 20/04/2025 21:29

I am envious of you OP & all the other happily married couples. I wish I felt that way about my H. The truth is I actually can't stand him, he sucks the joy out of everything & makes me feel like an incapable child so I'd rather do fun things without him. I'm lucky to have friends who are single parents etc to do 'family' things with. Truth be told we are completely different people & have absolutely no common interests.

Divorce him them. Christ. Life is top short for this kind of misery.

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 20/04/2025 21:47

Sexyandiknowitha · 20/04/2025 21:41

Divorce him them. Christ. Life is top short for this kind of misery.

Show quote history

Thanks so much for your lovely comment, life is short, I am very aware of that & plans are in place but for many reasons I am unable to leave at present. You've obviously married well & have a reasonable & supportive husband which is amazing, however not everyone's life is like that & its not as simple as just divorcing. I wish it were.