To really hate school run and feeling overwhelmed

[Familydyn]

I’m really worried and anxious about the school run next week and wondering if anyone could please support me. I’m quiet but I am sociable in that I will say hello and smile at people. I’ve been told I’m bubbly when I confided in someone about my feelings and they dismissed me and basically told me I’m not the problem and these mums are very cliquey and unfriendly. Truthfully I don’t fully believe this is the case. I think they just don’t like me. It’s really awkward as I’ll say hello to them all but it feels like strange as they all wait for each other at the cars then walk in as a group laughing and joking.

there’s a few mums who aren’t part of this group and I’ve invited one over for play date but when I saw her again she was really cold and didn’t even say hi till I said hi first. I’ve also tried arranging play dates with kids my child plays with but I’m met with how busy they are. I recently found out they did a group play date and didn’t invite my child even though they are all friendly, it’s really awkward as it’s only 15 in the class. My child is year 1 and majority of the mothers only met at the school. I feel upset as they all share birthdays, days out and holidays together and I’m really not involved. How shall I behave on Tuesday? Completely blank them or be polite as I usually do. How do I not let them get to me?

Don’t say hi to them first, but say Hi back if they say it. It’s a shame for your daughter but it doesn’t sound like it’s malicious, sounds like they are just already friends.

@ToKittyornottoKitty thank you. I find it so difficult not to say good morning or hello! I don’t know why. But I will definitely try next week. Should I still smile at them or just look in another direction?

You’re overthinking this. Get in get out. You wouldn’t want to be friends with cliquey exclusive people who put such weight on the school run, surely?

Be busy talking to your kid.

If all the parents are ignoring you as well as excluding your child from group play dates, etc, I’d consider moving schools. Or if it’s just a few Mums doing this, I’d ignore them and enrol your children on some after school activities where they will meet other kids from other schools. Did you have a birthday party for your child - did any of their school friends attend ?

You're overthinking this. The mum of the child you invited over for a play date might have been thinking do I say hello first, what if she doesn't say hello to me, and then felt really relieved that you said hello to her.

Just carry on saying hi to people but don't try and force yourself in to the group. Sometimes these groups can be quite bitchy and you're better off out of them.

OP, kindly, this is ridiculous. These people have no more to do with you than people you stand beside at your regular bus stop. Who cares if they think you’re Satan incarnate? I don’t understand your sentence about confiding in someone about your feelings — was this another class parent?

I was one of only two non-locally born parents at DS’s first primary, and, despite being socially confident and having never had the slightest issue with making friends, it was quite unfriendly. I don’t think any malice was intended, they just weren’t used to strangers, particularly foreigners who worked FT. No one’s fault. I just asked children DS liked around for play dates at our house at times I could manage. It didn’t negatively impact on his life. I made great schoolmate fruends almost immediately at his next school.

First off is this your only schooling option for your child?

If not consider moving.
I never moved a child but I have had lots of fridnds in small schools with small numbers.

I wouldn't care what they offer I wouldn't go near them for the drama and difficulties they witnessed, desperately avoided or suffered.
Simply not worth it.

Mine had 30 in each of their classes and although big, you could find nice parents and children without difficulty.

Cliquey schools with tiny numbers must be just the worst.

Sorry OP it sounds hard.
If you stay, steele yourself to be polite and breezy.
Get your child involved in activities outside of school as much as possible and develop outside school fridnds from where you live, sport etc.

Make school life as small as possible in your life.
That is what my friends did and it worked out ok.

@PowderRoom i think our experiences are very similar! The person I confided in is a mum I’ve said hello to for past 1.5 years. We often see each other at school and her son does swimming same day as my child on the weekends so I say hello to her there and we often chat about just general stuff, I don’t know why I confided in her day one day, I think I was just feeling really upset and lonely. . Her son is 2 years above my child she doesn’t really know the mums well but she smiled knowingly when I told her how im feeling. She’s seen the mums walk into school. She said my class mums are known by others for being cliquey. But tbh I don’t think the issue is all the mums I think I need to step out of my comfort zone

Get in, get out. Plenty of working mums don’t have to deal with any of the school gate BS, you don’t either. The friendships are those of popularity and convenience. Most of them will fade out when all the DCs start secondary.

Spend time with real friends and family. Make more at clubs and groups if you feel lonely. Put your DC in clubs too.

Talk to your kid or act how you would anytime you are with people you don’t no, like in a queue or waiting room. You are majorly overthinking it OP, which is a good thing as it means your stress is unfounded and you can relax a little as these people aren’t analysing your body language anywhere near as much as you are

Thank you so much everyone for all the advice and support. I wish I could stop overthinking it but I get like a knot in my stomach and driving back home I feel such shame and discomfort, I just can’t find the words why but I kind of feel not good enough for people to want to stop next to and have a catch up or ask how I am.

So true.
With my daughters there were women that skied, Bahamas, spa days together.
When the girls went to secondary schools and lost touch it was instantly over.
Bizarre.
I was never involved with my daughters friends mothers like this in any way during primary, however since the girls are in secondary schools and nearly finished, over the years a few of us have met up for a bite to eat and it has been lovely and friendly, no pressure at all and pleasant.

I would be very wary of the instant froends, holidays together crew, just like i was 15 years ago when I first came across it.

@Tameys thats a good point. This school is all through till 18 years old so I imagine they will continue to be this annoying for many years! I really wish I could have people just to go for coffee with or lunch with I just haven’t found that yet

Sure, but I never got upset about it. That’s the difference. It would have been nice to make some new friends, but it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It’s not other people’s job to befriend me, after all. If they had known me, it’s pretty probable they’d have disliked me and vice versa. We were very different people. Just a mismatch of person and social environment.

I wouldn’t bother giving it any thought. Find your friends in other environments. Invite children your child likes around for play dates — getting on with their parents isn’t necessary.

Until 18!, my daughters are in a private school that had a junior school which we did not attend.
Funnily enough my daughters have told me there were several super close parents from the junior school that had major fallings out because of the children falling out.

The children hilariously got over it and remained friends, whilst the parents did not🙄.

Will the classes remain small or will their be a large influx of new children at age 12 for seconday?

What realistically are your other options?
I wouldn't move school unless your daughter is unhappy and feels excluded.

OP I hear you.

My school run overwhelms me. Individually, the mums are all nice enough but together they are arranged into cliques or they just want to do the bare minimum. There's also a flat, negative atmosphere for reasons I don't really understand.

I'm sociable too and have tried, I've made a couple of mum friends but I found it so overwhelming, like being back at school where I was not one of the cool girls and friends could be bitchy and changeable.

I've had to learn to make school small in my life as it was really affecting my mental health. It's better now , I know I'm partly projecting my own crap. I think if my year group were more friendly in general it wouldn't be so bad.

Arrive at the last minute. Listen to something interesting on your iPhone so you aren’t looking to see if someone is going to wave to you or not. You are a busy woman with an exciting life and interests. No time to dither at school gates but happy and comfortable in yourself.
Grab DC and go. Work on achieving this image. Don’t overdo it or you might end up the new Amanda.

Private school? Are you the a different ethnic group? Are many of these families wealthy?

Oh, it's a private school. That explains a lot. Obviously you get cliques at state school too, but in my experience, private school mums are worse.

Look, someone else has told you this little group are cliquey and unpleasant, but you seem to be intent on proving that you are the problem, not these bitchy women. Why is that?

Why do you need to be friends with them? I think being pleasant and saying “hello” is perfectly fine. Do you have other friends and hobbies?

If your DC is happy at the school please do move just because of this apparent clique. You see these women for minutes every day and in a few short years your child will be at Secondary after which you will likely never set eyes on them again.

The other mums in my DS’ primary class apparently have a reputation for being very cliquey. Only two of them have ever spoken to me. I can’t say I’ve given it much thought really. When I attempted conversation with the others and was met with stilted responses I assumed it was because they are all friends and don’t really have time for a new mum acquaintance which is fine. I chat a fair bit with several dads who are all quite friendly (although this is probably frowned upon on MN😂)

But it’s not the other parents’ job to give you the social life you want, OP. I mean that kindly. Stop fixating on them, and cultivate friendships elsewhere. You ate giving yourself a complex when the situation really doesn’t warrant it. We can’t dictate whether a random selection of other people like us or befriend us or not. Also, nothing in your posts suggest you like any of these people, or that there’s any particular reason you want to hang out with them as individuals or a group…?

One of my best friends from DS’s second primary is a dad. He got divorced and his son moved schools after they sold the marital home, but he and DS still see one another, and we have the occasional drink.

They sound like they have no manners. The fact that you find it hard not to smile and acknowledge people means that you do have manners. That's the difference between you and them.