To really hate school run and feeling overwhelmed

[Familydyn]

I’m really worried and anxious about the school run next week and wondering if anyone could please support me. I’m quiet but I am sociable in that I will say hello and smile at people. I’ve been told I’m bubbly when I confided in someone about my feelings and they dismissed me and basically told me I’m not the problem and these mums are very cliquey and unfriendly. Truthfully I don’t fully believe this is the case. I think they just don’t like me. It’s really awkward as I’ll say hello to them all but it feels like strange as they all wait for each other at the cars then walk in as a group laughing and joking.

there’s a few mums who aren’t part of this group and I’ve invited one over for play date but when I saw her again she was really cold and didn’t even say hi till I said hi first. I’ve also tried arranging play dates with kids my child plays with but I’m met with how busy they are. I recently found out they did a group play date and didn’t invite my child even though they are all friendly, it’s really awkward as it’s only 15 in the class. My child is year 1 and majority of the mothers only met at the school. I feel upset as they all share birthdays, days out and holidays together and I’m really not involved. How shall I behave on Tuesday? Completely blank them or be polite as I usually do. How do I not let them get to me?

Hi OP, I remember feeling disappointed at the lack of connection at the school gates. I felt like i made effort to be smiley and say hello, then realised if i didnt do that then nobody would acknowledge me at all. I think for Year 2 i just stood by myself not engaging with anyone cos it annoyed me!

By year 3 my dc had decided who their best mate was so I knew their parents from arranging school dates. Now in year 5 and I'd say I have 2 school people who I'd have a chat with, and one is friendly enough to meet for drinks outside school.

I'm not sure either will remain friends beyond primary and that's OK. I suspect mine and your experience is more common than the clique one. I think cliques come when your kids are going to the same school you went to, so the cliquey parents have known each other since being kids themselves.

But the OP hasn’t said they don’t acknowledge her or mistreat her, only that they don’t approach her to talk to her or invite her to things they do together out of school. Which I think is fair enough. People are allowed to choose their own friends. This isn’t a whole-class party for six year olds.

I get that the OP would like to be friends, just as I would have when I was in the same situation, but even then I recognised it was no one’s fault. The other parents gelled. I didn’t. So I made my friends at work, and invited children DS liked around regardless of how I felt about their parents. Some came, some didn’t, but DSxwas happy enough.

I used to hate it too. By year 2 they start choosing who they want to invite round and it gets easier. It stops at the end of primary so it really isn't until they're 18. By about year 6 they go out with their friends and parents aren't really involved except for lifts. Just keep being you. Smile, say hello if you feel like it. But don't fret about it. You'll make connections gradually. I talk to five of dc's friends' parents, even though they all left school a few years ago. Your dc will make friends and the parents will hopefully be open to chatting with you. But I felt like this at the start of primary.

Hey,
Bit of a random comment, but do you think you might have ADHD.
The feeling you describe reminds me of RSD
Hope you find some lovely mum friends outside of this clique soon :)

I do think they have an issue with me - not all but most of the the clique. When I do say hello yes they say hello back but it’s like a pained look on their face like they don’t want to interact with me but I stupidly keep being polite

Can you try and get more involved in the school by joining the PTA, volunteering or becoming a governor? I found joining a committee helped me feel more confident.

Or the opposite: back off. Ask someone to phone you. Be on hold to the doctor. Rush in and rush out. Wear sunglasses. Put your kid in after school club. Get the nanny to do it. Weirdly when you stop trying sometimes I find people reach out more.

Is your kid happy at the school? If so, persevere. If not, look elsewhere.

We looked round a private prep school for DC and a group of mums were waiting in the lobby to supposedly be friendly and advertise the school. They were all wearing very similar clothes and I took one look at them and thought… nope. It honestly put me off the school. I just thought… can’t be doing with that.

I say this gently, but maybe they sense a bit of desperation? Honestly, OP, I wouldn’t worry about it. As you’ve said, no one has done anything wrong. I would just smile, say hello back if they say hello. That’s all you need to do. You don’t need to be friends with people and it sounds like, in this case, it would be unnatural to try and force your way in. Use your energy to nurture your existing friendships.

@Enthusiasticcarrotgrower i did a couple of pta events but the same group was there! They were being very rude actually by ignoring me. I couldn’t be bothered after that. I work part time too so I’m not doing school run all the time.

I’m not looking for a best friend, just some friendly hi and bye at the gate bit these women seem incapable of doing so,

But there’s no reason not to be polite, surely? Keep saying hello. Just stop investing so intensely in the idea of being ‘accepted’ by them.

Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe they feel their group is already unmanageably big. Maybe they’re just not up for a new person. Maybe they only add a member when an existing member is sacrificed to Beelzebub or their child moves school. You will probably never know, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it other than disengage a bit mentally.

You can’t keep driving home full of ‘shame’ and ‘discomfort’ because a bunch of random people who have kids in your child’s class haven’t warmed to you.

@DefinitelyMaybe92 i worry this might be true but then how do I play it? I’m not joking I literally can’t help saying hello to people.

Ok, well then sure, say hello, but try not to invest in the idea that you are going to be, or need to be, their friend. You don’t need to be “accepted” by these people and I would perhaps introspect on what it is in your life that has caused you to feel this way, because it doesn’t sound like it’s these particular people driving these thoughts and feelings if I’m honest; it maybe sounds like this goes a little deeper if it’s something you can’t shake. Sometimes you won’t gel naturally with people, and that’s ok! Invest your energy where it’s reciprocated.

edit: looking at some of your descriptions of micro expressions etc here as well, there’s a small chance (don’t take this as gospel as I’m just a stranger guessing online!) they could possibly think they’re better than you, for who knows what reason - due to their own prejudices. In which case, you wouldn’t want to be friends with these people anyway, right? Leave them to it.

OP, just smile and be polite, be you. Let them be bitchy or rude and don’t give any of it a second thought. Don’t worry about your DC either, they will be fine, these things work out when the children get older and start making their own decisions about who they want to have round, invite to their party etc.

DD got invited to a couple of parties and play dates in primary but I never really spoke to other parents because they were always in their groups as a lot knew each other already. Certainly didn’t make any life long friends. I’d just stay in the car until the last second then walk in get her and leave. From about Y5 it all changed and the children started taking control of the play dates and stopped letting their parents try push them together.

She’s at secondary now and has an entirely new group of mates, I’m not friends with any of their parents either!

Just say hello and stop being invested in if they do or so not reply. You are caring too much about stuff that is out of your control. You do you, you want to say hello and goodbye so crack on. It is unrealistic to get upset when people don't respond in the way you want but it doesn't stop you from continuing if it means that much to you. It helped me to remind myself I was solely there for my child. That was the most important reason I was at the school. I had to endure if for about 20 mins a day, they had hours of this stuff.

I think you’re probably right that at least one of them doesn’t like you. I expect they were slightly threatened/affronted by your natural friendliness because it challenged the Queen Bee hierarchy.

Not everyone will like you in life. Not if you’re an interesting person, anyway. Honestly, try and switch it in your mind so you’re looking down on grown adults who are still behaving like they’re in high school with silly playground cliques and games. Hold your head up high. You’re better than that. It’s all very small. Do an internal eye roll when you walk past.

Just think of it like work - professional face on, smile and say hi then go about your day. I have perfectly amicable relationships at work with people who are not my friends. People are often disappointing and don't behave as we would like, that's on them not us.

Try just nodding at them instead of saying hello - you're acknowledging their presence but in a much smaller way. Just nod and look away so you don't even see if they respond.

And don't worry about it, it's not forever. Will your child be walking alone to school at some point or is it a distance away so that you have to drive? If the former, then it's just a few more years to go.

I've only made friends with one other parent and my oldest is 14 and honestly it's fine. I nod or say hi to other parents if I see them (ds goes to breakfast club and asc and I rarely drop off or pick up at the same time as others). If they engage me in conversation I'll talk to them but that rarely happens (they know I'm a foreigner and probably assume my conversational skills in their language aren't great)

Do look for friends on the playground. Just because women have children doesn’t mean they have anything else in common.

get a job or a hobby and make friends that way with people you have things in common with.

I find some people are very very hard work and really are reluctant to welcome new people to their groups. They are the girls who were cliquey at school and they simply never grow out of it. My strategy is to be pleasant to all but particularly smiley to everyone except the grumpiest one - then they worry about why.

These cows people exist everywhere, you need to get over it. Find someone else in the year group and hang out with them or go and get yourself a job/hobby instead of letting them win. Don’t allow thoughts like ‘I am never good enough’ control your mental state. You deserve better. Moving schools won’t help. There are cows everywhere.

The things is in secondary school they make their own friends and my contact with the various parents is sharing lifts for late night pick ups.
But if it is a tiny school and the junior small school is not hugely added to for the secondary school cycle, which would be unusual, I would rethink it.

My daughters school went from 30 children in primary to 95 in secondary so it trebled.

I wouldn't know many of the parents outside of my daughters circle and some of them I have only met briefly.

In secondary school they organise themselves socially completely on their own.

Don't make any rash decisions but reflect and September is a good time to move.

Is she young, some repeat their first year if it didn't go well for them, depending on what age they are.

My youngest (of 5) starts nursery in September and I plan to keep my head down and mouth shut. I've experienced the school gates for the last 10 years. I've had various groups of 'mum friends' and it is nothing but drama and fake. They weren't my friends, they just happened to be in the same place at the same time as me 5 days a week. Free yourself, be polite, but stop caring. It feels so good!

I really feel for you OP and empathise.

I think I present outwardly as someone who is sociable and friendly on the school run, but I actually find it really awkward for a whole host of reasons.

I’ve tried to explain it to others, have been told I’m overthinking it all, I’ve possibly expected too much in terms of connection.

All I can say is it can take some time, and funnily enough some parents I chat to the most aren’t who either of my DC’s play with, but I have got to know their parents more via play dates initiated by our children.

All you can do is keep doing what you’re doing, being polite and friendly, and try and follow your child’s lead by suggesting things with their friends (sorry to hear this hasn’t worked out when you have tried).

Is there a breakfast club?
By the time I got to my third, they went to Breakfast club literally every day.

Honestly OP, don’t give these people so much headspace. You won’t necessarily find any friends among them and that’s ok; if you do, it will just happen naturally so don’t try and force it. I had this with DC1 throughout primary school - no mum friends whatsoever as they all seemed to flock together and were just on a totally different wavelength to me. DC2’s year was a totally different bunch and I made several friends without expecting to - it’s all just luck of the draw!

On a separate note, could there be some rejection sensitivity at play here? You seem to be taking it very personally (not judging you - I am similar!)

It's literally brutal.....I never really fitted in.....it's their loss. Don't stress too much about it. Go in, drop off and leave. Smile on your face, head high....I found the whole experience absolutely pathetic honestly. Don't lose sleep over it. If that's how they act do you really want to be a part of that behaviour.