To really hate school run and feeling overwhelmed

[Familydyn]

I’m really worried and anxious about the school run next week and wondering if anyone could please support me. I’m quiet but I am sociable in that I will say hello and smile at people. I’ve been told I’m bubbly when I confided in someone about my feelings and they dismissed me and basically told me I’m not the problem and these mums are very cliquey and unfriendly. Truthfully I don’t fully believe this is the case. I think they just don’t like me. It’s really awkward as I’ll say hello to them all but it feels like strange as they all wait for each other at the cars then walk in as a group laughing and joking.

there’s a few mums who aren’t part of this group and I’ve invited one over for play date but when I saw her again she was really cold and didn’t even say hi till I said hi first. I’ve also tried arranging play dates with kids my child plays with but I’m met with how busy they are. I recently found out they did a group play date and didn’t invite my child even though they are all friendly, it’s really awkward as it’s only 15 in the class. My child is year 1 and majority of the mothers only met at the school. I feel upset as they all share birthdays, days out and holidays together and I’m really not involved. How shall I behave on Tuesday? Completely blank them or be polite as I usually do. How do I not let them get to me?

@Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting thank you and sorry you felt this way too, it’s horrible. I’m probably not explaining it well but I’ve accepted they’re not my friends but want to be friendly for my sons sake and I’m finding it tough as it’s a small school and if I don’t make the effort he will continue to be left out of things.

Also I met mum friends with clubs outside the school gate.

@PowderRoom yeah I suppose I shouldn’t take it personally! It was just really sad he went up to the kids very shyly and asked if he could play and was told to go away. I’m thinking of taking him to clubs outside of school to make friends but the same kids are in all the after school clubs. It’s small villiage we are always bumping into each other and get ignored.

I think I maybe projecting my own insecurities onto him. I went to a similar small school and my face didn’t fit in with them and my mum never made the effort to invite people so I was always adamant I would try harder. We have a few neighbours who have kids slightly older I could try getting him friendly with.

Get in, get out.

When I was still living in the U.K. I detested this aspect of the school run.
We lived in a small, rural village and the village primary was a lovely school with an outstanding OFSTED rating. Lovely place!
But from what conversation I did have on the playground: majority of the other mums were at least 10 years older than me (I had my DC’s in my very early 20’s). They were all mid-30’s to early 40’s, had been career women before kids. They were all married to blokes with high-earning jobs. They were all very outwardly “put together” - nice outfits, designer shoes, clearly no stranger to a hair salon etc
And then there was me 🫠 mid-20’s, single mum, 2 children attending the school plus a baby, heavily tattooed, skinny jeans with a band t-shirt and Vans was my school run uniform, and I worked in a boozer at the time 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I made one set of good friends - a couple around my age who would alternate school runs. We got on really well. But me and that couple clearly were not welcome in the bigger circle.
I just didn’t care! Clearly these women were not my people, we had nothing in common. My DCs were friends with their’s, my DC’s still got invited to birthday parties etc……but I definitely wasn’t concerned that I wasn’t getting invited to School Mum Brunch 😂🫠

I much prefer the system at my DC’s school here in the US: Carpool loop.
Pull up outside the front doors of the school, say goodbye, kids get out of the car, I drive off. I’ve had zero interaction with any other parents from school for almost an entire school year. It’s blissful. No playground politics!!

But you don’t need the parents to be your friends! You issued an invitation. Wait and see if the other parent responds. some people don’t do play dates much, or on the other hand, are booked up way ahead, or prefer to go with the flow — I couldn’t, as I worked FT, and had to arrange stuff on about one possible day a fortnight.

What you should absolutely not do is confuse his social life with yours, start to see rejection around every corner, and give him a complex. You will also do far better not giving an impression of slightly manic desperation.

@MsNevermore thank you for sharing. I wish I could t care too I really wish I was more like you. Carpool loop sounds amazing! Wish we had that

@Familydyn if school is small
ask teacher for support

we had similar friendships issues when my youngest moved school. Very cliquey environment with kids already been friends for years

Teacher was fantastic , figured out potential friends, found opportunities to play together , and then I arranged play dates as other kids really wanted to . Now we have no issues at all.We are in very small indie school though so support was easy but perhaps you can speak to school too.

That is not nice but just try to be matter of fact and don’t try too hard. You don’t have to be in their group. The children will have their own preferences for friends soon

in terms of play dates try other children and what about out of school activities ?

I really hate this trope of 'bitchy school mums'. It's sexist. Why don't dads have to be nice to people at the school gate? Why is it only women who have to make or recieve social overtures in relation to their children's school?

Kindly, op, it's just the school run. If it's making you this anxious I think you need some other help or to concentrate on building your social circle in other ways.

I don't try and be friendly to anyone particularly at school- I've got a full time job, volunteering and enough friends outside of school I don't have the bandwidth for. I'm not thinking anything about anyone except getting out of there. It doesn't stop DC having playdates when we've got time- me or their dad will just WhatsApp the relevant person off the class group but like others have said we don't get a lot of spare time. No drama, we don't need to be their new best friend. You need to radically reframe this.

That sounds awful.
Sign him up to everything you can outside school.
What are the school sports for the school during secondary school?
Get him involved now so that he might get onto a team.
It is especially hurtful that they would be dismissive of a child, but it shows their character.
Not people that you would really wish to be involved with.
Great suggestion from @BrentfordForever

Honestly @Familydyn I do feel for you but I think you need to back off a bit. Especially as not one of them intervened when one of the kids told yours to go away. I would avoid eye contact with them and only say morning if someone says it to you. Just step back and reset for a bit.

I don't understand this at all. Why the drama? Say hi and smile, that's normal. People will either say hi and smile back or they won't, it doesn't matter. It'll cause you more angst if you go in trying to think up strategies on how to avoid any interaction and you'll come across as really weird.

Don't worry about them. I would say 'Hi' or 'Morning' but keep walking. Have a look to see if there are any clubs nearby that you could join.

Well said.

I wouldn't take too much notice. Just keep being yourself! I didn't really fit in with the "It Crowd" parents, but I would always say hello to people. Some would say hello back and some wouldn't. I worked FT, and couldn't join in with a lot of the social meet ups they did. I volunteered for PTA things when I could. I hosted playdates when I could. I did go to a couple of coffee mornings if I was free (I felt like a fish out of water but it was ok). I was always a bit shocked at the some of the backstabbing that took place between some of the Mums, but I never got involved with that. Just roll with it. Some will be nice, some won't. Don't let that get to you. I think it says more about them than you!! For both my DC, I have a small handful of friends that I made from their times at primary school, and that's just fine.

It's so hard to read OP. You need to disengage. Get your child involved with other groups. My closest mum friend in the area is a mum who's child, my DC met at stage coach aged 4. It's 4 yrs later and they still have a great time together and they both quit stage coach after 6 months. The mum is chilled and friendly and we see them when we can (kids attend different primary schools).

We don't encourage best friend chat here. We are keen to emphasise being friendly and kind with everyone (as long as they are not being horrible back). Have your kid join scouts, drama,football (if he is interested), a language class, anything so he interacts with people outside this sphere. School mums at my DC's school are OK. We can have a laugh now but I doubt I will ever be good/close friends with any of them and that is OK. Stop trying to force play dates. I don't do many and my kid is fine. She is confident and teachers have said is a natural leader at school. Build his self belief through him not through validation from others!

Put it into perspective. If there was a mum you were friends with, you'd probably be talking to her too. You wouldn't be actively trying to befriend other people, and I doubt you'd be focused on other mums. I'm friendly and smile, but I also just talk to the mums I already know. I also don't have time to be making friends when I'm doing dropf off as I'm focused on my child. Usually at pick up I chat to the teachers is they're still busy playing. You're overthinking it all. If you do want to be friends with them, keep smiling and say hello. Be proactive. Or make friends with someone else who doesn't appear to be talking with anyone. It should be child-led anyway, ask your child who they want a playdate with and have playdates with those kids

Ime there were three types of parent- the ones who coped with the school run by giving everyone the cold shoulder, the ones who gratefully latch on to parents they already know and the ones who take the first two personally.

It’s not an American High School movie; the mums in the cool clique don’t realise they’re in a clique - they’re just relieved they can latch on to someone they know won’t give them a brush off. They wait for each other because they are stressed by the same fear of rejection.

Once I realised that the vast majority of people are socially inept, group situations got easier. Seriously - watch the popular ones - more often than not they’re just blessed with a lack of awareness that carries them through the initial awkwardness, and eventually people relent and take them as they present themselves.

I won’t deny that some groups do bond better by ganging up on an outsider, and if that’s happening it’s best to keep a distance so they can pick on a different target,

But it’s highly unlikely that small dc are ignoring your dc because of their dm’s attitudes, it just doesn’t work like that. If you’re worried about the social skills you could ask the teacher how he’s getting on.

Don’t focus on the groups - look for the people who are on their own, looking a bit awkward, and make breezy neutral comments about the weather, or how fast the term is flying by. Keep it very light. Grans and childminders often get a bit left out, and can be a good bet.

You'll find OP that toxic selfish people gravitate towards other toxic selfish people. They blank some of their kids friends parents while falling over and going out of the way for others. For many of them it's about them and not about the needs of their child. Some are horrible, controlling and emotionally abusive and just social climbing scum.

Do children see their friends outside school? How do carpool parents arrange "playdates"?

Yes but it's wrong, why do they need their people, they should just be supporting their kids' friendships, not prioritising their own over their children's.
Generations of kids grew up without mums manipulating and interfering with their friendships.

Because they aren't the majority at the gates. Because they aren't involved at all. They are blanking grumpy sods too who dont know anyone at the gate or their kids friends and dont bother to know. I judge them harshly for that.
as for mums -it's not because they are women- it's women who are there and therefore get the brunt.

Doesn’t seem to be as much of a thing at my kids school. Also they don’t go to a zoned state school (like how we have catchment areas in the UK), they go to a type of school that’s like a halfway house between public and private and admissions are done via a lottery system - so kids from all over our giant city go there. So it’s not like kids that go to the school live within a few streets of eachother like they did at our tiny village primary in the UK. Play dates with school friends would be a logistical nightmare!
Mine do have play dates but with other kids we know from outside of school that they’ve met through sports clubs in our area of the city etc