To really hate school run and feeling overwhelmed

[Familydyn]

I’m really worried and anxious about the school run next week and wondering if anyone could please support me. I’m quiet but I am sociable in that I will say hello and smile at people. I’ve been told I’m bubbly when I confided in someone about my feelings and they dismissed me and basically told me I’m not the problem and these mums are very cliquey and unfriendly. Truthfully I don’t fully believe this is the case. I think they just don’t like me. It’s really awkward as I’ll say hello to them all but it feels like strange as they all wait for each other at the cars then walk in as a group laughing and joking.

there’s a few mums who aren’t part of this group and I’ve invited one over for play date but when I saw her again she was really cold and didn’t even say hi till I said hi first. I’ve also tried arranging play dates with kids my child plays with but I’m met with how busy they are. I recently found out they did a group play date and didn’t invite my child even though they are all friendly, it’s really awkward as it’s only 15 in the class. My child is year 1 and majority of the mothers only met at the school. I feel upset as they all share birthdays, days out and holidays together and I’m really not involved. How shall I behave on Tuesday? Completely blank them or be polite as I usually do. How do I not let them get to me?

Maybe it isn’t you and it isn’t them…

maybe they know each other from older kids? You bond more with the parents in your oldest child’s imo. Maybe I am wrong, but half the mothers in my oldest’s class already had their people when my kid went to school.

if there are only 15 kids is it very rural and maybe they have all known each other since they were 4 years old.

Since he's divorced you're fine but only as long as you are also single.

MN frowns heavily on married members of the opposite sex being friendly, having a coffee together etc😂

Any last minute advice? I’m due to go in school run in 45 mins! I’m really scared

Work on building friendships away from the school gates and then you won't be remotely interested in what they are doing because you will be busy with plans of your own.

Don't look. Chat to your child. Be happy to get your routine back. Walk in, drop off, walk out. Treat them the same as you would a stranger that you catch the same bus with everyday on a work commute....you wouldn't acknowledge them or expect a friendship or a chat....essentially you would ignore them and not think twice. Do that!

I get it would be nice to make some friends but to get into a knot like this is not good for you. You need to drop and run with brief hellos if it is stressing you out this much.

Oversharing with one mum was maybe a bit too much on a first meeting.

The only mums I really spoke to were the ones of the children my children were close friends with at the time.

I do school runs daily for work but don’t even think about chatting to anyone waiting or dropping off unless it’s a quick hello to a parent I recognise through work.

The ones my child is close to are the ones that are in the clique. Not once have they made any effort with me

My school has mums like this too, they always stand in the same place, they're always there early and still standing chatting when the kids are in. I don't have time for that, I'm there 30 seconds before the bell and as soon as the teacher comes out, I'm straight back to the car. Honestly I couldn't care less, they have their lives, I have mine. I'm busy!

We moved to a new city when my daughter was a toddler. I was lonely and desperate to make friends with some of the parents when she started school. It didn't happen and I saw other parents bonding, having days out together, even going on holiday together! It hurt, not because I begrudged their friendships. I didn't see them as a clique, just friends. It hurt because I was so terribly lonely. I'm shy and struggle to form connections when seeing people for only a few minutes a day.
Anyway, in the end I decided to stop seeing the school run as some kind of social experience for me. It really is just a time to drop your kids and pick them up. That's it. I got to school at the last minute so I didn't have to hang around too long. I removed all pressure on myself to make friends and be popular. I was always nice and friendly to people and had some good chats over the years but stopped trying to make friends. I stopped feeling like a failure for not making friends.
I know it's hard but just stop caring. Drop your kids and pick them up. That's all you have to do.

@SallyWD thats exactly how I feel. It’s painful seeing how easily people have bonded and I just do t feel able to have the same connections. How is school run and life for you right now? Wishing you well x

This is bizarre to me, I have three primary aged children - I drop them off at the gate, they walk in I walk back to the car and go to work. I don't speak to anyone and nobody speaks to me, I honestly haven't even thought about it until now but I wouldn't have time for chatting in the morning anyway. I honestly think most people are like me and just getting on with their day and you might be overthinking all of this. I agree with a PP just act like you're taking your kid to the dentist and these people are just others in the waiting room - irrelevant to your life.

This is an interesting point. When my DCs first started at primary I worked full time for almost two years, so it was just drop-off, pick-up and go etc.

I changed to part-time WFH after that and used to have a knot in my stomach every pick-up for the next two years.

Then when my DD started I sort of relaxed. They’re both almost adults now and the four good friends I eventually made in primary I’m still friends with.

As for the cliquey ones, loads fell out with each other, got divorced etc. I think they were all just rather basic, shallow types.

Thank you x. My youngest has just started secondary school so no more school runs for me!
By the time my second child started school, I'd already decided not to try and make friends at school. I'd been burnt once and didn't want to get emotionally involved again.
I was always nice and friendly to everyone but kept it brief and superficial. Just dropped him, said hi to a few people and left. I did get to know two or three mums a bit better over the years but we never became close friends.
With my first child I did end up making friends with one mum but that wasn't until DD was in year 5 and I'd given up trying by then!
I'd say just stop caring, drop your child at school, smile and say hi to people and leave it at that. If anything develops then great, if not, it doesn't natter.

That’s a good attitude to have and I will also follow this. Thank you x

School is for the children not the parents but now it seems there is more school mum dramas than there is with the kids.
My sister took her kids to school then picked them up only time she would have a chat was if someone started it just a nit nat and got on with her day.
She did say shes pleased she dont have to deal with it now. The best day of her life was not having to deal with the schools anymore plus being 41 she would not have the time to deal with play dates and school mums BS.
Her children are both adults now.

Do they not have jobs to go to@Familydyn ? I honestly wouldn’t feel self conscious, you sound really nice. In our area there’s a lot of sahm /unemployed mothers at the school gate and I’ve had a few stupid comments when I’ve had to rush off to work 🤷‍♀️ I never comment on their situation but there’s definitely a lack of awareness from some about having to rush off etc

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but my child was running to the other kids after school today and he was just ignored! The mums were standing in a group and he went up to his friends and they told him to go away. The mothers just didn’t respond to this. I know I shouldn’t let them get to me but it’s really difficult not to. I just felt sad for him. I came home and texted his best friends mum (one of the women in the group who was standing around). I sent a very cheerful message saying hope they’re well and my (child name) would love a play date next week. She’s read it but didn’t reply! I feel stupid for messaging.

Does anyone please have any advice regarding today? I have no one to talk to and I feel myself spiralling. I don’t want my kids to see me so broken over this. I really need some advice

You’ve been given loads of really good advice and gone and done the opposite. Stop trying to make the group like you. You’ll be coming across as intense.

Again: stop obsessing over these people and make friends elsewhere. They’ve shown clearly that they’re not interested.

I’m not trying to get them to like me, I really couldn’t care less now and had a mindset not to care this morning but the fact my child wanted to play with who he considers his best friend made me sad. I thought having a play date might make things better for him and he said himself he wants to have a play date with this friend.

Take the advice you’ve already been given! Disengage. Distinguish between your child’s social life and your own. Have some therapy. You can’t make people like you, and you need to stop fixating on these people.

@PowderRoom but I have to be involved in my child’s social life as he’s so small! I have to arrange play dates for him until he’s old enough to do so himself. So genuine question - how can I make sure he has play dates and gets invited to things if I totally disengage from the parents? How does he have play dates without involving me

Don't stress with the school gate OP. My dc's are all at secondary and university, but I remember the feeling very well with my oldest. It didn't help we moved from a city to a tiny village and I didn't fit in. I thought I would make mum friends but it didn't happen with my oldest. I thought they were clicky and bitchy but they just all knew each other from growing up in the village. With my younger dc's I met a lovely mum and our boys are still friends. We still catch up even when we left primary years ago. Don't over think it and just be polite with a hi. You will meet other mums but they may be outside the school gate. Just chill. You will meet your tribe.

He’s six! At that age ‘best friends’ change with the weather. He’s almost certainly less upset about it than you are. Your job as a parent is to say ‘Maybe X didn’t feel like playing’, and go on your way, asking him about his day. Children that age are often shattered at the end of the school week, anyway, and haven’t they been together all week at school? You issued an invitation, and seem to be overreacting to a lack of reply, but how long is it since you messaged? It often took me days to reply to playdate invitations.