I think my mum is hoarding, what do I do?

[mummytoonetryingfortwo]

I’ve been staying with my mum over the Easter weekend and I’ve been helping her to pack up her house as she’s moving.

It’s become apparent that she has boxes upon boxes of things from when I was a child. She won’t get rid of them, despite them being of no use. Some of the things I’ve found include hot wheels cars that are broken, a Thomas the tank engine train track that’s missing half the pieces, every stuffed toy I ever had, toys that don’t even work anymore. I’ve asked her a couple of times why she won’t get rid of them and she insists that the grandkids could use them one day - they won’t.

She also keeps every pillow she’s ever bought in case the stuffing could be useful in the future, she has balls and balls of wool that she’s half used, basically everything she’s bought.

Her reasoning is that she’s spent money on the items and therefore she needs to keep them - but she’s very comfortable and they’re sitting in the loft gathering dust. She won’t even replace towels, she still has the same towel sets from when I was a child (I’m 26 now), they’re worn through and you can see the sun through them when they’re pegged out to dry but she won’t get rid of them. What the hell do I do?

Just leave your mother be OP. She’s clearly not al actual hoarder.

That’s what I think ( though maybe the old pillows are a bit odd because they will encourage moths.) I sort of grasp the suitcase collection thing: different trips require different sizes!

@Acheyelbows yes it's Marie Kondo. Her thing is to keep something only if it 'sparks joy'. Otherwise acknowledge the item and thank it for it's use and let it go. Sounds daft but it's quite effective. I think her method is good for people who want to declutter rather than established hoarders.

Maybe some people more easily experience joy than others?

I've often wondered what would happen in theory if a hoarders house was burnt down or destroyed by a flood? Would it push them over the edge mentally or in fact be a relief?

Agree. And OP is not coming across well!

But no good if they're broken! Fair enough if you're someone that gets on and fixes them, but OP says she keeps buying new.

I think there is a lot of "there is some value in this thing to someone if they just.... fixed it/found a collector who will pay a fortune for it/ reused it as a sculpture/etc" - I'm guilty of these feelings and I'm a fairly ruthless de-clutterer (definitely don't live in a "minimalist" house though and keep old towels for cleaning!) - often people will happily give them away if they feel the value is being got by someone.

Not sure OP's mum has this mindset though

I recently thought I'd have a bit of a clear out, gathered all dd1's university folders etc (she did a 6 year medicine degree so there's a lot). She said I could get rid of it but she'd like a quick look. She looked at a couple of folders and then decided she wanted to keep some bits. So I've still got them! She lives a few hundred miles from me but I am thinking next time my parents are going to see her I might ask them to deposit them with her.

@YourJoyousDenimExpert my younger db died last year and I really sympathise with you. He didn't have much at all - he'd been in an accident and was on benefits for the last 10 years of his life. His house was pretty much empty but it has still been hard. I've got some of his things in my lounge and I don't want to just throw them away.

There is a very helpful group on Facebook called Family and Friends of Hoarders. There's a lot of helpful advice and it is also a safe place to vent among people who understand.

I am trying to catch up with the responses to my message. I realise I am quoting a quote.

I disagree with the take above as well. In no way was I going to inherit if anything was left. I also would never have been looking to do that.

However the person inheriting could in no way clear the house or pay the rent, skips, van cost and take the time it took.

Yes I could have left it to the landlord. However surely what I could do was offer dignity to my aunt to clear her belongings privately. To see what could be salvaged (nothing) and to preserve any family photos etc. The mould took them.

She lived in a small town, the landlord and whoever they paid to clear it may not have been dignified in how they treated it or spoke about it.

I was but it was an awful process and I don’t wish it on anyone.

How do you know? Are you a psychologist who is qualified to diagnose strangers unseen on the Internet? I am not a psychologist but I would say that keeping old pillows "in case l need the stuffing" or decades old broken toys and making the house look like a municipal tip is the absolute definition of a hoarder.

People don’t have to spend every weekend for a year clearing a house when a relative dies. I had a 3 bed house with garage and shed cleared by house clearance for £650. It took 2 days.

Animal rescue places like donations of towels - clean ones.

One issue I found with my hoarder mum , was that suggesting passing things on , unfortunately didn’t work ! She had a box of old football programmes, I repeatedly offered to recycle them , but she claimed , they needed to go to “ a real fan”.

Some of us are trying to gently tell you that you WON'T fix it with what you say you are about to do. You will simply cause pain & possibly make the problem worse.

I think it is absolutely fine to do this if you can. I wonder if - in my situation - there is some learned behaviour in that my parents had gone meticulously through their parents’ houses when they had passed away. Maybe that has conditioned me to do the same…. I also acknowledge that some people are more sentimental than others. I find it hard to keep trying to sort the stuff out - but I feel I can’t expect my DH/ children to help as they find it so tedious! Guess the OP’s mum may not ask again. For myself, I find a sympathetic ear and encouragement to be practical and decisive more helpful than someone just saying ‘chuck it all out’.

OP, I sympathise, my mother is the same but a lot older, I fantasise about skips. However I have learned from observation and experience that it won’t change. Drop the rope.

It's not normal. It's hoarder behaviour.

Absolutely agree. I too am curious about a few posters categorically suggesting the OPs mother is not a hoarder. I work professionally with hoarders and she does sound like one to me. It doesn't have to have reached a state of mice droppings and mouldy heaps.

I've a penchant for hoarding but my husband is a declutterer, so we keep it in check.

It feels to me like it stems from the addictive side of my personality.

No! It's not horder behaviour at all; it's called sentiment!
And if the OP has visited as many times as she says she has and has never seen any of this stuff then it's clearly not a problem!

You are clearly very passionate about this topic

Probably a hoarder with all sorts of unnecessary stuff junk because "sentiment".

Well because I think it comes across as bullying.

No one wants to live in a house where they can’t get in the front door for junk, or can’t hoover, or can’t reach things to dust, or the carpet is mouldy from stacks of old magazines. But that isn’t what op has described.

Not everyone wants to live in a house that looks like the new season stock intake of Habitat.

Some people like things with history, antiques, artwork, bookshelves laden with yes, shock horror, actual books not a soulless kindle.

I have to agree keeping the old pillows sound a bit manky … but provided the house is clean and the mum can move safely round in it, what is the problem if she has more stuff than op would like?

I really am asking that: what IS the problem?

Its different if she can’t hoover etc.

But some people on MN I honestly picture living in the most austere homes because they seem so terrified of things. I bet it’s the sofa, armchair, enormous tv, remote control for tv, token pot plant, token “picture” to hang on wall ( bought pre-framed from a decor shop) set up. Then they try to look down their nose at someone like op’s mum who keeps things that have meaning to her. The House and Garden term is “ layered.” 😆
Why shouldn’t the poor women use old towels?