Room allocation for SC

[Withoutfearorfavour]

House being purchased 50/50 deposit and mortgage.
4 bedrooms
I have one child full time.
He has one twice a week.
I am adamant she has her room decorated in her preferred style. A lovely bed. Wardrobe with her own belongings etc.

Shes not a guest.
We do however need a guest room and we (he) will have guests weekly. He needs a study.
So do we have the study combined with the guest room? That feels fair.
But then I wonder if he should contribute more as he has more use of more rooms.

What do you think?

I think you know that this has moved too fast and there is something inside you that is making you feel uncertain about whether this is the right decision so you are now trying to figure out why it feels wrong and in doing so you are finding small things that you can hinge that feeling to. I think in reality, you feel invaded and you are not wrong even if it's not done intentionally by him.

He comes with a lot more inpracticalities. At the moment you earn more than him and live with your son who is about the fly the nest in a few years. Your life is very settled and comfortable by the sounds of it. You can live your life entirely on your terms. What he wants you to do is take on his toddler as a step-child, accept visitors weekly, he needs a dedicated office whilst you are OK with working from wherever there is space and on top of that he has more financial resposiblilities and makes less money than you so he has less freedom in that way.

You have a lot more to lose in this arrangement and he has a lot more to gain. As a woman with grown up children who have recently moved out, there is no way I would give up my independence to live with someone elses toddler. I also know that my kids wouldn't have appreciated living with a toddler that they weren't even related to at that age. It would have negatively affected our relationship. I think this is where your hesitation is coming from.

"His little guest twice a week"

Wow...just wow.

I have been a stepmum for over 12 years and I have NEVER referred to my dsc as guests. I split with their dad 7 years ago but they are still my kids and they still cone round when home from uni (both of them and their dad are coming for Easter dinner today, have every Christmas dinner with our shared dd and my new dh)

You should not buy a house with this man at all. Ignoring the fact you have only been together 2 years and the poor little girl is only 2 your attitude towards bith him and that chikd is utterly disgusting.

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan I’ve never been a stepmom. Never wanted any more children after my DS. So this is all very new to us. Interesting that you latched onto one flippant comment. She is going to be moving in and out of the house. In the same way that the guests are but as I made crystal clear in my first comment, she’s not getting a cupboard under the stairs. She will have a little Girls ‘s bedroom.
My attitude is not disgusting.

No, it’s not the same way as the ‘guests’ are though. It is her house. Full stop. Her home.

I don’t think her mother would appreciate that sentiment. It’s not her house at all. It’s not her home. She has a home with her mother.
You are exactly the kind of stepmother that causes mayhem in families and you’re everything that I would not want for my child thank goodness my ex’s new wife respects boundaries.

It’s irrelevant what you think her mother thinks! She also has a home with her father. She has two homes. Both as important as the other.

I’m actually embarrassed for you OP 🤦‍♀️ Are you moving in with a partner or a flatmate? Surely you’d only be quibbling over a few quid a month anyway. Where does it stop? If he uses the kitchen a bit less than you, can that be offset? If you use the living room more, do you have to pay a bit more?

50/50 or you’re not ready to live together.

My DP has a room for all his gaming needs. Floor to ceiling shit imo but it's his thing.

We continue to pay according to the money we bring into the house. We don't divvy up the rooms and pay based off of who uses what. If we did, the kitchen is mine and the bathroom his 🤷🏻

You want your child’s step mother to make it clear to your child that they do not have a home with their father/stepmother!? This is mad. ‘Home’ is a nuanced concept and you can have more than one - it’s somewhere you feel familiar, comfortable and welcome. I think you sound deeply unpleasant and feel for your stepchild.

not getting caught up with discussions about SC etc, just answering your basic questions

• yes, it makes sense that the study combines with the guestroom
• It is absolutely ridiculous that he should pay more than 50-50 - nobody splits ownership based on room usage!

Considering the huge gap in the childrens ages, for that alone I would be rethinking this.

You are the worst possible stepmother then.

Your attitude stinks and referring to her moving in and out like a guest shows that.

I really hope your bf session sense and dumps you because both his daughter and him deserve way better.

the stepdaughter is 2, her parents split before she was born so max 2.5 years ago? In the last 2.5 years he’s got over that relationship, dated, met you, got serious with you (a high earner with assets) to the extent you want to buy a house together that will accommodate his daughter for the next 18 years and his guests every week.

That is super fast work on his part. Moving in together seems like a whole world of risk for you and disruption for your son. It’s such a big age gap that it will totally change the nature of the household when you’re all there.

But in terms of your actual problem - depends on the floor plan of the house and what other rooms/ spaces there are that could accommodate a home office or guest room. A home office doesn’t have to take up much space and you could use a Murphy bed.

Just buy a 5 bedroom house.
Your shared room with your partner.
Your dc room
Your sc room

1 guest room
1 study.

If cannot do that, buy a garden office.

Problem solved.

Actually while you're at this, might aswell buy a 6 bedroom.

So you can have your own room wow!! So you are not sharing 0.5 of a room!

Sorry! Didn't read the whole thread.

Do not move in.

You're making it far too easy for him

I don’t think your ready to buy a house together if you can’t even have a discussion about room allocations.

This and also I don’t understand the title being about your SC? Sounds like the issue is about the guest room/ office? Why are you making this an SC problem?

It’s irrelevant what you think her mother thinks!

Right. This is about the child. She absolutely should not be made to feel like a “guest” in her father’s house. Especially if she’s required to stay there twice every week.

Why not buy a 3 bedroom house if you are both contributing 50/50, put an office/study in the garden which he can pay for as it's him that needs/wants it and he can pay for an airb&b when his parents come over to visit his daughter.

you are the higher earner and you are going to lose out in the end, as it will end.

Don’t bother moving in together, you are not ready. It will end in disaster.

She doesn’t have a room in his current living arrangements.
This will be quite an upgrade for her, and of course it matters what the child’s mother thinks, Jesus.

The child has a lovely home with her mother and she stays with her father and that’s their arrangement that I’ve had nothing to do with.

And all of this has been decided between them and works for their family.

Honestly, if you are fretting over him using more of the rooms than you and only paying 50% then call the whole thing off and save everyone a lot of misery.

Its great she will be having her own bedroom. Her father’s house is also her home. It’s really important you understand that. I’m really surprised that you don’t, and agree with others you shouldn’t be blending unless or until you do.

Your dp is really getting an upgrade by moving in with you - a room for his dd, his own office and the ability to have family stay weekly.
Could he afford this without your contribution?

This is a ridiculous way to look at it. He doesn’t “have” any more rooms than you, it’s a family home not a hmo. If he’s in his study working you could be in any room in the house. Are the living rooms going to be pay per use too?