To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

If Julia has for all intents and purposes quit alcohol to be able to care for her niece than you are being VVU to assume she will go off on a bender.. I think you should welcome her personally, and tell Julia it is okay for her to come BUT you are worried about potential disruption and alcohol availability and ask Julia if she can come up with a plan for if anything happens, (taking her back to their room, leaving the wedding early etc).

It basically sounds like it's going to be a holiday for them, with a stop off at your wedding, so as long as long as there is a plan in place and you're sure Julia will stick to the plan there's no reason not to let her bring her to be honest.

Can you not just say, ‘Sorry, no children are invited. Besides, do you not think a wedding where alcohol is flowing freely is the last place Louise should be given her circumstances’?

I agree. These are minor risks that can be mitigated with a simple conversation.

She did.
Julia has already told her about the wedding and the girl is all excited about going.
She did NOT ask the bride before telling the girl.

Because a toddler is invited.

FFS the OP isn't suggesting the world revolves around her wedding. Nor does it revolve around this teenager.

The issue here is not the child, but that you do not trust Julia to supervise her in order that she does not come to harm, nor that your wedding is disrupted by inappropriate behaviour. This is what you need to be talking to Julia about. Don't just say a flat no, but explain your concerns - which are entirely valid.

Oh, when did the teenager suggest becoming the bride? I missed that part.

If you don’t allow the niece to attend then it may ruin your relationship with your friend.

If in 12 months you look back on your wedding and what you remember of the day is stressing over the niece then you will probably end up resenting Julia and your friendship is ruined anyway.

It seems like not allowing the niece is the least worst option.

Or fingers crossed Julia reads this thread and makes the decision for you.

🙄

Very easy to say from behind a keyboard. Which indicates you might need to grow up a bit yourself.

as far as I know, Julia has not drank at home since Louise moved in. She does enjoy a drink but gave it all away to friends (me included) upon deciding to take Louise in. I did see on her Facebook she was at a lunch with another friend and Louise last weekend and you could see a bottle of wine on the table. So it seems like she does still have a social drink outside of the house even when Louise is present. This is fair enough but does raise concerns for me that she’ll have too much at the wedding.

I think you have to be honest. I don't know why people are getting their knickers in a knot about this child being allowed to come, it's not a reasonable request.
It's a small, intimate wedding, 12 people who are family and closest friends.
If she wanted to bring an adult complete stranger with her you'd say no, you are only hosting people you are close to.
This is the sort of message I'd want to be face to face, but if that's not possible you'll have to message. But then, I think Julia was bloody rude to just drop this on you as a fait accompli. Something like 'Hi Julia, I'm truly sorry if this is a disappointment, but I want to keep the guest list to the original 12 who have been invited. We have reasons for wanting a small, lower key wedding, with only family and people like you who we are really close to. I hope that you understand.'
Then don't engage in her wanting to know what your reasons are, or how disappointed Louise is going to be, or how good it would be for her. All of those things would give Julia loopholes to dive into. Just keep to versions of what you said originally, maybe add that you wish she'd asked before adding another person to your guest list. A true friend would understand but a true friend wouldn't have dumped this on you in the first place. She told you, she didn't ask, because she knew what the answer would be.

^ This. People saying that to say no to Julia would be risking the friendship, well Julia doesn't appear to care less if it upsets her friend, the bride.

I agree with those saying that Julia should have apologised and said that sorry, because of the change in circumstances she understandably couldn't make the wedding. It sounds to me like Julia couldn't resist the chance of a piss up abroad so has tried to wangle an invite for her niece so as not to miss out.

Julia is the one who is being unreasonable and putting you in a really difficult situation where you have to be stressed about your wedding or be “unreasonable” and tell her she can’t bring Louise. I think you need to be honest with her and tell her that you feel really stressed about all this - even if Louise had no trauma she’s not on the guest list so it’s a cheek asking for her to be invited anyway. Adding to that the circumstances around the fostering situation it’s totally unreasonable to make this your problem on your wedding day. If she can’t see that then she is not a friend. This may mean that she can’t attend the wedding as she needs to prioritise Louise and if this is the case then as a good friend you can be very understanding about this and accept that decision with good grace.

I'd actually be rather fucked off that she's just assumed she can bring her and had already cleared it with her parents and social services without asking YOU first. Yeah, great job Social Worker encouraging Julia to take a child to a small intimate wedding with serve-yourself alcohol that she's not even invited to - slow clap.

You clearly don't want her there, and I think that's reasonable given the circumstances. You're perfectly ok to say no.

I'd reply, "I'm sorry Julia, but this is a small intimate wedding, and Louise isn't on the guest list, nor would it be appropriate to add her. I'm not sure why you told Louise she'll be going on a holiday, without asking me first if she can come to my wedding. Please let me know if you still intend to come alone or not."

You need to be a bit more assertive. It doesn't matter if people think you're a bitch, this isn't an appropriate social setting for this. Plus it's your small intimate wedding FFS not a girls weekend away. It's ok to assert your boundaries on this one. I do think you made an error by replying asking about being allowed to take her out of the country, that was irrelevant, you don't want her to come - end of.

This is a really good solution - say yes but make it clearly conditional upon Julia staying sober

Yu are being precious. There's a teenage girl that needs a break and your best friend has asked a favour. Just tell her she needs to o properly supervise her as there will be alcohol and you don't need to be worried about that on your wedding day.

I would let her come but no booze for Julia and she must supervise Louise at all times. To be honest tho I wasn’t that arsed about my wedding and it sounds like you are, so I understand you not wanting her to go. You’re not a bitch if you say no, it’s your big day and it sounds like you’ve planned a lovely wedding.

I absolutely agree with this. There is a real risk of trouble if Louise is allowed to attend given Julia’s drinking habits. I don’t know why others think you should include her.

It’s her intimate wedding, not a garden BBQ.

I presume that Julia being at the wedding whilst Louise is left to her own devices in the hotel complex would be a complete no-go. I think that would only further ruin Louise’s self-esteem and I doubt me or Julia could relax knowing this vulnerable teenager was on her own. I think Julia would be horrified if I suggested that.

There are very real concerns over this teenagers ability to keep herself safe. I’ve not mentioned the half of it here as it’s not my place. She is very very vulnerable and it is more than possible she’d get into a state at the wedding

If Louise was just Julia's dd with no exceptional circumstances, most schools wouldn't endorse her having 2 days off to go to her mum's friend's wedding - in fact Julia would literally be fined for doing so, so seems bizarre a social worker would encourage it in these conditions, even more so with the alcohol issue!

I think it's quite likely, if Julia did ask her social worker, it was a general 'Am I okay to take Louise on holiday abroad,' rather than a full circumstances-disclosure along the lines of 'Despite having to limit the availability of alcohol around this child to the extent I literally can't have one bottle of beer present in the house, I'm fine to take her to a wedding abroad where she'll know hardly anyone and everyone, alcohol will be freely available, and everyone including myself, will be drinking throughout, right?'

Agree,
I would let her come but tell Julia than under no circumstances is Louisa to be drinking and she needs to monitor this ( explain bar situation), also tell her that if there is any trouble that Julia will need to take Louisa back to the room and exit the wedding
I agree that the holiday might do her good but she needs to be on her best behaviour

Also ask Julia how she will be able to monitor this if she herself will be drinking?

Make it very clear that you don’t want any trouble on your day and also mention your terminally I’ll relative

So difficult.

I think I would have to let Louise come, but lay out my boundaries with and tell her:

• You understand that shit happens and you really admire her for stepping up
• OTOH she might not have realised what a big ask this is: the intimacy of the wedding was, for you, the whole point.
• You're already feeling anxious that you will feel responsible for preventing Louise drinking and/or making her feel included. This sense of responsibility cannot just be switched off, and would really ruin the day for you.
• Can she promise - seriously promise - not to drink more than one or two herself, so that she has eyes on Louise literally at all times?
• The reality is that Louise is family to her, but not to you. Your own family are just as important to you as Louise is to her: this will be a very significant day for all of you, and there are no do-overs.

This is your wedding not a get together. Your friend is invited but her niece isn’t. Tell her no. You have not invited this child.