To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

If you definitely don’t want Louise there then you need to tell your friend - she may understand or there may be fall out but unavoidable if that’s your stance (understandable). If you would have her attend if she is supervised properly then I’d speak to your friend about your concerns and say under no circumstances is she to drink alcohol and would need to take her elsewhere if she starts acting out or getting upset. It’s tricky, but it’s your special day and you should just be able to enjoy yourself.

Louise may not have a passport, and will probably need to be in school, as pp have said.

It's your wedding OP. This really is a disaster waiting to happen. Your friend should never have suggested it. I would be annoyed that she had. There's a massive difference between being welcoming of the child and having her at the wedding. Tell your friend no. Sorry but too much could go wrong.

OP I know without a doubt my husband would have no shame in saying no. He is amazing for getting me out of tight spots, blame him, say he says no and you have tried but he wont be shifted. My husband wouldnt care less offending anyone and being the bad guy!!

It’s not a holiday, it’s OP’s wedding. And I would absolutely insist that, given what OP has said about Julia and alcohol, she stays completely sober for the duration of the wedding celebrations. If she doesn’t like it, then she can do what she should have done from the start - put Louise’s welfare first and recognise that under the circumstances they’re attending the wedding is not appropriate.

The Social Worker told Julia to get rid of all the alcohol in her home before she was allowed to take in a troubled teenager who has been hospitalised for binge drinking. That sounds like Julia is not supposed to drink alcohol in front of Louise.

You can choose whoever you want at your wedding of course, but Julia will 100% not be able to come and leave Louise. So it may ruin your friendship - so you need to decide what’s more important. The 1 wedding day or years of friendship?

It’s Julia that should be on putting her own desires aside .

Which, realistically, means that the child shouldn’t be attending a wedding where everyone will be drinking. I think the crux of the matter here is that Julia wants to go to the wedding even though she knows that isn’t in Louises’ best interests.

Louise does have a passport, Julia mentioned in one of her texts something along the line of “It’s lucky her passport was sorted last year!” something about a family holiday that was supposed to happen but is now not going ahead due to the family drama.

School not been mentioned but I’m assuming she’d only need to miss a day either side of the weekend, most people are coming Friday-Monday

Wtf, Louise has this problematic relationship with alcohol and Julia drinks around her?! That is appalling. I don’t drink around my 2 years dry husband - and he’s not a vulnerable child in my care. Julia is a complete prick for that and of course it’s not appropriate for that to happen at your wedding.

@SmithyCakeJun I think you just need to ask if she has realised there are very few people going, nobody else will be able to help her with Louise and that everything is ‘on tap’. You could say, you really want her to come but you are not sure it will work with Louise, but as long as friend accepts she has to be solely responsible (which may mean she has to take L back to the room) then OK. But, if you still don’t feel comfortable - you might have to say you think you will be worried and anxious, it seems unfair having placed restrictions on other guests if someone none of you know is allowed to turn up and for that reason you can’t make an exception.

Perhaps you could first ask if it is a case she won’t come if L can’t come and then take it from there - you could say ‘I want you to come, I’d even like L to experience it with you, but I won’t deny I’m very worried’

Difficult.

You might be best looking at the Maltese laws on underage drinking and use that as an explanation. You don't want to end up responsible for a teenager ending up in hospital with alcohol related issues on your wedding day.

Other countries aren't as lax as here on underage drinking.

Absolutely shocking your attitude!
I should imagine giving the circumstances Julia would be very reserved about alcohol knowing the poor child’s situation

That’s not on OP, it’s on Julia. If Julia was asked by SS to clear her home of all alcohol before taking in Louise, that signals a serious problem, so why are posters even thinking that it’s appropriate to let the child attend a wedding where everyone will be drinking ? OP shouldn’t be made to choose between her friend and the possible ruination of her wedding day. Julia should have put her own desire to attend the wedding aside and done what’s best for the child she took responsibility for.

It’s all very unfortunate but I think it would be difficult to say no. Do you feel you could explain to your friend about the alcohol and the small child, and say "Ok, I don’t want to say no but please can I ask that you don’t drink at the wedding so you can keep a very close eye on X the whole time. I really don’t want to have to worry about her getting at the alcohol or being upset by the toddler."

Would you really want to test the situation at your wedding ?

I would have a conversation along the lines of Louise's welfare at the wedding and the dangers of all the alcohol which will be easy to get hold of.
I suppose she wants to bring her because she feels she has no choice and that she isn't in a place to be left with anyone else, so won't be able to go herself otherwise. However, in a group of 12 it could easily affect the dynamics regardless of Louise's issues, because a young teen who doesn't know anyone will likely sit there and not engage, which means Julia will be on the sidelines for too and it might be awkward.
Louise is Julia's responsibility, so if she is there then Julia must watch out for her at all times.

I think you have to be honest. I don't know why people are getting their knickers in a knot about this child being allowed to come, it's not a reasonable request.
It's a small, intimate wedding, 12 people who are family and closest friends.
If she wanted to bring an adult complete stranger with her you'd say no, you are only hosting people you are close to.
This is the sort of message I'd want to be face to face, but if that's not possible you'll have to message. But then, I think Julia was bloody rude to just drop this on you as a fait accompli. Something like 'Hi Julia, I'm truly sorry if this is a disappointment, but I want to keep the guest list to the original 12 who have been invited. We have reasons for wanting a small, lower key wedding, with only family and people like you who we are really close to. I hope that you understand.'
Then don't engage in her wanting to know what your reasons are, or how disappointed Louise is going to be, or how good it would be for her. All of those things would give Julia loopholes to dive into. Just keep to versions of what you said originally, maybe add that you wish she'd asked before adding another person to your guest list. A true friend would understand but a true friend wouldn't have dumped this on you in the first place. She told you, she didn't ask, because she knew what the answer would be.

I would have a conversation with Julia about the alcohol at the neal and how she intends to manage that, and to make it clear nobody else will be available to supervise Louise.

if she says she will manage it I think I’d let her come for the sake of the friendship

And I agree with 100%. People need to give their heads a wobble if they think it's a good idea and Op is unreasonable. Julia is a bloody chancer.

I think it’s heartbreaking the situation this 13yo is in. You would hardly have to do anything, shes not going to expect you to make small talk with her. Binge drinking in distress isn't an alcohol addiction.

I would just say

“I’ve had a good chat with my HTB and my family I’m really sorry, as you know my wedding is very intimate and only 12 people who are all of my closest family and friends. Having her there will not only change the whole dynamic but will put people out who also have kids waiting for them back at home. Due to this none of us think it wise for her to be there. I completely understand that this means you can’t attend and I’m gutted about that. If I was having a different type of wedding I would of course welcome her”

I think you need to acknowledge the fact it’s both or none.

I don’t believe for one second that any poster here would be willing to tolerate such a potentially disastrous situation as this on their wedding day, best friends or not

Neither do I, @Lovelysausagedogscrumpy, but it's very easy to virtue signal behind a keyboard, even knowing perfectly well you wouldn't dream of doing what's being suggested yourself

As for all the suggestions about asking Julia to "commit to staying sober", committing isn't the same as doing, and with her known history why take the enormous risk knowing an all-too-foreseeable disaater would probably end the friendship anyway

More fool you. The OP is not responsible for her friend’s situation, and her friend attempting to use her friend’s wedding in this way is despicable. That young girl needs order, care and time. Spending days abroad with an unknown wedding party surrounded by alcohol is not in the young girl’s best interests. And the OP should not have to deal with this when she is looking forward to her wedding day.