To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I know it's not fair on you to be put on this situation, but you just need to be very clear and very firm that Louise is not invited. It's not an appropriate setting, despite what the Social Worker claims 🙄

She hasn't asked a favour, she's just assumed she can being Louise along. This isn't a birthday party, or pub lunch, it's the OP's wedding day. She's entitled to prioritize this over a teenager who needs a break 🙄

But it IS the child.

No one wants some random stranger taking up space at a 12-person wedding celebration.

Julia is thoughtless.

I thought a major point of the problem is that she IS a teen with an alcohol problem?

I'm not sure why the social worker thinks this is a good idea at all.

I don’t know the ins and outs of what the social worker was told but I’m presuming she isn’t aware it’s an all inclusive self-serve bar

If you say no you will lose your friend.

Given there aren’t that many people at your wedding, I don’t think you can afford to lose her.

Just say yes. It will be cruel to say no. This is possibly the only thing this girl has to look forward to.

She probably doesn't. Suspect Julia already knows that she's making a massive imposition on OP, and is making an appeal to authority in order to get the result that she wants.

Which is a bit crap but - humans gonna hume.

OP I would ignore all the combative posts suggesting that you should sacrifice your peace of mind at your wedding for this child. There is the potential for disaster. If you say no to Louise attending it could potentially affect your friendship with Julia. If you say yes and she ruins it, the friendship is ended.

If SS asked Julia to clear her home of all alcohol before taking in Louise, then I would say taking her to a wedding where everyone will be drinking is a bad idea. Julia wants to come to the wedding and she’s putting that desire above what’s best for Louise. I would be furious with her for manipulating you into a situation where it’s difficult for you to say no because she’s cleared the holiday with SS in advance and she’s clearly spoken about it to Louise before even mentioning it to you. I’d find that really difficult to forgive - this is not a package holiday, it’s your wedding day.

I think the fact that you have any concerns at all, even minor ones, means you should say no. Explain why, and point out to Julia that it would put you on edge on what is supposed to be your day, and that there would be serious consequences to your friendship if anything happened - it’s impossible for her to guarantee that it will be trouble free even if she agrees not to drink for the duration. This is a traumatised and troubled child, and taking her abroad to a wedding which most kids of her age would find boring anyway, and where she won’t know anyone, will put her hugely outside her comfort zone. No-one could predict how she will react and your wedding is not the place to test the theory.

There are very real concerns over this teenagers ability to keep herself safe. I’ve not mentioned the half of it here as it’s not my place. She is very very vulnerable and it is more than possible she’d get into a state at the wedding

So maybe ask yourself why Julia would want to expose a vulnerable teenager to such a risk at all, in a place and among people she doesn't know, and with the realistic possibility that even her own guardian may not remain in a fit state to protect her

The talk of it being "a lovely break for her" is all very well, but sorry OP - I'm veering towards a PP's suggestion that it's really Julia who can't resist a trip and a piss up, and that Louise has been shoehorned in because she doesn't want to miss it

It wouldn’t matter to me I’d let them both come
like I said I’m sure she would be cautious about drinking given the circumstances

This. Julia wants to go to the wedding and is determined to get there at any cost - hence the manipulation of OP into saying yes. She took responsibility for this child and I really don’t understand why she can’t see that taking her to a wedding where everyone will be drinking, and where she will be well outside her comfort zone, is a very bad idea for all concerned.

Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Louise should not be in a different country whilst still possibly needing instant medical treatment. Louise should not be put in positions that could set her back. Would travel insurance cover her if she "slipped" and drank or harmed herself where she had to be hospitalised?

Your friend should have apologised and said she couldn't go because of her caring responsibility and wished you a happy wedding. Your friend has been extremely selfish in this instance. I would tell friend that you understood she can no longer attend and you will catch up when you return.

Tell your friend what your fears are , gently , tell her she needs to stay on the side of sober and must have travel insurance

by the time of the wedding the girl will be in a different place , life moves fast for teens

If Julia is honest about the circumstances surrounding Louise’s recent hospitalisation then I would think it’s going to be very difficult and very expensive for her to obtain suitable travel insurance. OP needs to make sure that she isn’t the one who’s liable if anything goes wrong.

I would tell friend that you understood she can no longer attend and you will catch up when you return.

You can’t say that as she has already said she can go and got the permission from the social worker to take Louisa

OP didn’t do either of those things, Julia did. Of course OP can say no. Julia should have asked upfront before mentioning it to Louise - she didn’t because she knew OP would say no and tried to manipulate the situation. She’s imposing this child on OP because she wants to come to the wedding herself and she’s putting that before Louises’ well being. It’s unforgivable.

I would be very cross that she had put me in a spot…. She seems to presume it’s ok to bring Louise. And it’s really not. This is your wedding. You’ve spent money to get the day you want and frankly no matter how sympathetic you are towards her situation, having Louise there will have you on edge all day. Plus if July has a history of drinking you’ve got a problem…
I would reply and say something like .. Sorry but we can’t include Louise at the wedding. I realise this will mean you can’t come either so let’s catch up with you and Louise when we are back from honeymoon.
If she pushes just repeat we can’t include her. She’s being really rude and imposing herself.

In your shoes I would tell Julia “ordinarily I’d love to invite Louise, to support her and to support you in supporting her. You’ve told me what she’s been through, I would have loved to offer you both a break and change of scenery. But there will be free access to alcohol throughout the day/evening, on my actual wedding day. I just can’t put myself in a situation where I’m on tenterhooks for what might or might not happen wrt a person who isn’t under my control: it’s not fair on my fiance, my parents or - frankly - me as the bride. And, I’m afraid to say I would be on tenterhooks. This is really just extremely bad timing: this is my one and only wedding day. This is your time taking Louise in. The two just aren’t compatible though given Louise’s history. It kills that I have to choose between you and all my other guests/myself on my wedding day. But I’m afraid I have to, to do right by everyone else and by myself too. I can’t invite Louise to be at this wedding with catering arrangements being as they are. I’m so sorry. If you can both come out to Malta to be with us other than the wedding day, I would absolutely love that and would see it as a real treat. But I can’t have Louise having unfettered access to the wine machine on my actual wedding day. I hope you understand. Let me know. Love you. Xx”

ETA: Julia perhaps isn’t liking the consequences of taking a child in, especially a troubled child at that. As a friend I would do what I could to help ease that burden. But sacrificing my wedding day is too much. And Julia really shouldn’t be putting you in this situation. She needs to be telling Louise’s parents “AND I missed my best friend’s wedding because of you”.

“Julia, I’ve been thinking it over, and on reflection it isn’t going to work for us to have Louise attend. I’m sorry we can’t accommodate her, and understand that you’ll need to stay home with her. Her needs and safety are your top priority.
We’ll have a special catch-up when we return. Love x.”

Julia will have to stay sober to care for Louise. My guess is that she realises this but remind her before agreeing.
in effect Louise is her daughter, you can’t exclude her. The toddler has not been excluded so hopefully her parents won’t be drinking much either.

Julie is being a cf so in this situation I would just univite her due to original condition being just her and it's a small intimate wedding.
Why screw yourself on your only wedding day, also bringing a recovering addict to a drinking event is highly irresponsible.

I would play up the open wine machine - what a pity you won’t be able to have a drink as you will have to set an example and be so vigilant with the open wine machine.

Julia is being manipulative and is out of order inviting the girl before asking you.

I feel very sorry for the girl and her situation but having her at your wedding is not going to be some miraculous cure to all her problems. It won't touch the surface, in all probability it will end in tears.

It is not some jolly holiday - it's your wedding. If she and the social worker think a nice holiday will do her good then they should both take her on one.

Don't be guilt tripped into this OP.

The wedding is neither here nor there. I think it's really quite selfish of your friend to suggest this. She can take her on holiday, but this isn't really a holiday and with kids like this, holidays often aren't really holidays until they're settled and feel safe, which takes months of tested boundaries and love. It'll be really quite emotional and awkward for her to be surrounded by what sounds like a very close knit family- something she doesn't have at the moment.
It would make me question whether this is an appropriate placement for this child in all honesty, social services place a lot of pressure on extended family to step in in these situations, and what your friends done is noble, but it's noble for a reason. Kids like this require so so much patience, stability and boundaries over and above anything your friend would've experienced with her own kids. No one is perfect, but those things require someone who is very selfless and acknowledges they might have to miss out on something like this.
So in my opinion, the wedding is neither here nor there, your friend hasn't grasped the gravity of what she's taken on.