To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Does this teen have a passport?

Why do weddings bring out the people who think they’re the perfect opportunity for brides to perform self sacrifice?

How unreasonable for a bride and groom to want their own wedding day to be what they want(!).

Are you prepared to loose your friend permanently over this? Because this is potentially relationship ending if you refuse to let her bring the child.

Well, I certainly think your friend should have asked your view on the matter rather than presenting a solution which has now put you in a difficult position. Part of me thinks that she has suddenly found herself in an undesirable situation and doesn't want to miss your wedding as a result - I presume she felt obliged to take her niece, as many people would - and that inclines me to think you should let the niece come.

OTOH you don't paint a particularly favourable picture of your friend. Someone who has boxed you into an awkward corner and can't be relied upon to stay sober when in charge of a child. When, in this case, she would need to be hypervigilant about the girl getting hold of alcohol. I think this would put the onus on to you to have to look out for the niece, when you should be enjoying your special day.

I suppose you'll need to be absolutely clear to your friend that she must take responsibility throughout for the niece and getting drunk would not be acceptable. Is there any other member of the party you couid brief to make sure this happens?

Honestly, I don't know what I would do, though I can't imagine a friend of mine not checking with me first whether the scenario was possible and backing out with grace if I said it wasn't.

This doesn't have to be Louise's one chance for a holiday. If Julia is 'willing' (oh so graciously) to pay for Louise's flight and food, why not just take Louise somewhere else after the wedding?

I just don't think I could look past her assumption that you'd go along with it all, to the point that she's told Louise about it before confirming with you. That's cruel of her to raised Louise's hopes. It's not your fault that she assumed.

I would say yes on the proviso that your friend stays stone cold sober for the entire time.

But the same is true if she does attend with the child and something happens that spoils the wedding...

If this woman is so important to you that she is one of only 2 friends you have invited, then I expect you to accommodate this child she now cannot leave behind.

Do what you want, but yes, you'd be pretty cruel to say no.

Spot on. And in this case if I was OP I would risk the friendship if the alternative would impact special time with my family, especially if one of them is terminally ill.

You will never get this day or time back

Difficult situation.

Are any other children going to be there?

In your situation I wouldn't be very happy about it.

Having had a self harming, binge drinking, weed taking teenager, I would not have taken him into this situation. He would have been well out of his comfort zone and would have hated every minute of it, and I would have been stressed as hell worrying about it all.

I am not convinced your friend has properly thought it through.

I don’t blame you for not wanting this girl at your (very small, intimate) wedding.
Only problem now is, you questioning social services allowing her out the country etc has probably already made it awkward/obvious you don’t want her tnere, so if you say no now, it could cause ructions. If from the off you’d said something like “sorry, venue and meal is only
booked for xx amount, it would be far too late to add her on now” you possibly could’ve got away with it a little easier!

I’m finding it hard to believe that Julia has had to go to the lengths of clearing her house of all alcohol in order to take Louise in, but a Social Worker is actively encouraging Julia to take Louise to a wedding abroad where it’s pretty obvious that the booze will be flowing freely.

Something doesn’t quite add up there.

Yes, I was going to ask the same thing. She's caring for this child with significant needs and an additional addiction problem, yet she doesn't manage her own alcohol intake?
It's odd.

If Julia is a close enough friend that she’s going to your intimate, destination wedding, then I’d support her. She’s doing a good thing for the world.

I agree with others that Julia should have asked and not presumed but if she's one of the very few guests invited to this wedding she must be a very important friend to op. And that combined with the fact that she's done a huge kindness for her niece, maybe it's unfathomable to Julia that her close friend would then shun them both when the wedding is in 2 weeks time, and Julia and Louise now have to come as a pair. Presumably there's nowhere else for Louise to go. Just trying to put myself in Julia's shoes.

I wouldn't want to lose such an important friendship over a wedding, if Julia is one of op's closest people. I would absolutely say that I didn't want to be responsible for Louise in any way and in order not to worry about Louise insist that Julia doesn't drink. No need to be clever about it and imply it with questions like pp's have suggested, just tell her Louise can come on the condition she doesn't drink either and those are the terms.

This is so hard . It’s a very small intimate wedding of those closest to you and you don’t know Louise . I’m also assuming a stranger will be in all your wedding photos . I’d have to say as gently as possible you haven’t asked an extended guest list and decline . I do think your friend is being really cheeky expecting you to accept a random guest .

12 people and you’re not all sitting at the same table to eat? That’s really odd (and completely off topic I know).

On the subject of Louise, no, I wouldn’t be inviting her along

It is a random kid to the OP, her friends niece is still a stranger to her. I think your friend is massively taking the piss, you’re having a small intimate wedding with just 12 guests and she wants to put a troubled teen no one knows in the mix with an open bar and a guardian who’s known to get legless - perfect, just what any bride would want!

Couldnt agree more.

OP you have cited all the potential things that could go wrong but then they always can - your flights could be delayed, it could rain on the day, people could get food poisoning etc. I’m not saying this to be mean but the point is there are always whatabouts in life.

Also while Julia may have drunk a lot before she is now in charge of a vulnerable child with a drinking problem and you are saying you think she will get drunk and leave this kid unsupervised? That’s pretty poor of you to think that about your friend - the things we have done before and after children are very different.

Let the kid come to the ceremony and meal and then say no kids

YABU.

Julia herself must have had misgivings. Why else would she OK the trip with social services and get the girl excited about it before bringing it up with OP ? She’s manipulated OP into a very difficult situation instead of being upfront about not being able to attend the wedding without Louise. I don’t believe for one second that any poster here would be willing to tolerate such a potentially disastrous situation as this on their wedding day, best friends or not.

Even if Louise gets ratted and goes rogue?

It is difficult, though. OP I think it was a bit crap of Julia to put you in this position. As a pp said, I think the only thing you can do is make Louise's attendance conditional on Julia not drinking either.

I was thinking the same.

For those saying tell her she can come on
the condition she doesn’t drink, what?! You can’t tell a grown adult that she can’t have a drink on holiday.

Yes, this!

Have you spelled out the bar arrangements to your friend, and that you will not be changing these?