To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I am going to ask you a question op, do you think she might be jealous or resentful of your wedding?

The way she has tried to overshadow your wedding day by trying to force Louise on you, despite the very obvious issues around her attendance, which could have ruined your day completely, and then to react so appallingly badly.

It seems Julia right now is determined to ruin your wedding one way or another. Are you sure she is a good friend to you usually? She really isn’t coming across well at the moment. It might be the stress of her situation, but this really isn’t your fault.

I would argue that the difference there is

a) Julia herself is not "in crisis" - she's offered to do a very nice thing in caring for Louise which may be causing her some difficulties/complications but isn't actively "a crisis". People in active crisis do not go on piss ups abroad!

b) If anything you are trying to AVOID Louise becoming in crisis by wanting her to avoid any of the potential triggers present at the wedding

c) Any (very welcome and kind) help Julia gave you in the past was just between you and her. There weren't multiple third parties who also would have been negatively affected (not just Louise but your DFiance who also deserves a wedding with just people he actually knows and wants there, without worrying about potential issues, and, to a lesser extent, all your other guests).

d) It doesn't sound like the help Julia gave you was time critical - as in, if she hadn't been able to come over to help with your dad's stuff or after your break up on day 1, she could have come on day 2, with no real difference. You can't just 're-do' your wedding if something goes wrong.

She's really not coming across well.

Don’t worry about it OP, it’s your circus.

At such a small exclusive wedding you want people you know and love there. Not a random teenager who is dealing with trauma and anxiety. I’m a parent of a young person who had mental health struggles as an early teen, I wouldn’t dream of putting my friend in the situation Julia has put you in. Most reasonable people wouldn’t.

Yes please do what's convenient to you on your own wedding day! You should be celebrated and pampered. Of all the days this is your day.

Just be glad they are nit coming to your wedding.

She's an emotional blackmailer and a cf.

She has shown you her true colours.

Believe her fir showing you who she is.

Well it was likely that Julia was going to be upset. She's under a lot 9f pressure, had a big life change of looking after her neice. She is understandably focusing on what's best for her and her family. She must be very worried about her neice.
On the other hand, it's your wedding, and you want things to go smoothly and be centre of attention.
I think you need to be empathic, that Julia is in a very difficult situation right now, and is not able to focus on your needs. In fact she was probably hoping you would be providing support to her. As far as she's concerned, you have just created another problem, and she has to explain to her excited neice, why she isn't going on a trip now. A child who must already be feeling unwanted and uncertain about the world around her.
I can see from both sides of this situation, it's difficult. I hope things will mend with Julia in time, when things are not so raw.

I’m so sorry to read your update and her hurtful accusations. I’m pleased the replies to it have been sensible and reasonable. Try and draw a line as soon as you can so you can get back to focussing on your wedding and lovely time with your family. Don’t let Julia ruin your preparations or your special day.

Julia had no right or reason to get Louise’s hopes up about going to the wedding before asking OP and her fiancé.

Any upset now it’s not happening is entirely on her and not OP’s responsibility at all.

Yep! Any fallout from this is all Julia's fault!

OP I keep coming back to her lack of understanding for this child in her care

had it been, my friend has taken care of her niece due to a horrific accident. I am fairly confident there would be no issue.

the fact is as explained, the alcohol and the removal from mental health and social work support, is not in a child’s best interests

Julia has the option to take her niece on holiday to somewhere safe and appropriate with adequate crisis services, this was always available to her.

Nor is it op’s job to wait to be forgiven for something completely out of her control. It might be that op might struggle to get past the inappropriate demands of her friend right before her wedding.

I have never been a massive wedding fan, but even i can see the importance of ensuring the day does not contain the hospitalisation of an unstable teen. Why would you ever run the risk if it is your best friend’s wedding??

Well, should OP ever have children, now she's well warned that Auntie Julia is not a suitable babysitter.

I’m sure your friend knows exactly what could have gone wrong at the wedding that’s what’s so maddening for her. She really wants to come but she knows she can’t come. You’ve done the right thing for yourself and for this troubled gut child. Now refocus on your wedding plans - with excitement, peace and tranquility.

I'm sorry to hear about the awful message you received from Julia. I had my doubts when you said she assumed it was OK to bring Louise to the wedding. Surely anyone can see that if one's circumstances change, at the very least they need to ask if something is possible before steaming ahead and telling the child and the social worker.

Also the fact you don't trust Julia not to drink when she has the care of a child who had been using alcohol themselves. It doesn't make her sound very responsible in general.

You know, friends can come and go, but your wedding day will always be a special day.

Friends don't have score sheets - support over a break up + help after a death does not equal the right to bring a stranger to your wedding.

I hope she will come to appreciate your point of view eventually, and I wish you a fantastic wedding day.
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I would be very wary of Julia from now on, none of this sits well, as close friend territory.

The blackmailing.
The ultimatum.
The dismissal of a solution.
Her indifference to the child’s welfare overseas
Her indifference to your wedding day and the risks of it being ruined.
Her throwing past support in your face as if she is the only one that has been a good friend

None of the above are the actions of a good friend op. Or any friend close or not.

Focus on your day now op. Don’t let this take up any more headspace. Spend time with people genuinely happy for you.

This is pretty much spot on.

It's an awkward one but I'd reply with 'Given what you've told me about her, I assume you won't be drinking so you can keep an eye on her? If you can't promise me that, then I'll have to decline as it's such a small party, any issues will clearly be obvious'.

Well there we are, rather than make a compromise you've put your "perfect day" first and probably lost the best sort of friend in the process.

It reads to me like you just don't want the girl there and are justifying it by making your friend out to be untrustworthy and irresponsible. Your "concern" essentially boils down to you don't think your friend can manage the situation. That's going to feel like a punch in the face to her.

People that sit up all night to comfort you are gold dust. Can you not reconsider? Step back and think about it. Is this a hill you're going to die on?

This. You deserve to enjoy the build up to your wedding and trip. Set this aside for now.

Hello Julia.

🤣

Nope, just putting things in perspective.

What that Julia's need for boozing it up abroad eclipses ops wedding? Sure Julia!

At this point I'd ask to call her and have a heart to heart rather than sending messages.

Whatever happens I hope you have a lovely wedding day.

OP actually knows Julia, so is better placed to assess how trustworthy and responsible she would be in this particular situation than you are.

Not putting her wedding first and it ending up ruined because of Julia and Louise would probably end the friendship too. At least OP gets the wedding day she wants this way.

I’m not sure why so many think a bride needs to be ‘humbled’ on her wedding day.