To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I'd let her come on the guarantee that your friend doesn't drink at all to supervise her

Could you try along the lines of "of course she'd be welcome, but there's open access to unlimited alcohol, something we're unable to change, and I'm can't imagine social services will be happy if there's an incident at the wedding"

@SmithyCakeJun why cant the childs grandparent look after the child while your friend goes to your wedding???

And you would supervise Julia how?
And what happens if Louise spirals during the weekend or wedding and needs urgent medical attention? The wedding will still be completely ruined without Julia having touched a drop of alcohol, because of course everyone will be rightly focused on making sure Louise is okay, and not the wedding they are all there to celebrate

Op is hopefully going to only have one wedding day in her life time why should it be sacrificed? There are dozens of people that can take care of Louise for a few days, and if there are not then the onus is on Julia to stay with Louise at home. As she has committed she will do.

It is going to take months, possibly years to stabilise Louise, and op can help support her friend in all ways after she is married. It doesn’t and should never include sacrificing her own wedding day though. A real friend wouldn’t compromise that anyway.

Can't believe some of these posts!. If she's agreed to take her in, and part of that means giving up alcohol for a time, then OF COURSE she will stay sober. It sounds like you just don't want her there and are framing as lots of 'what ifs'.

This kid has been through so much at only 13. Invite the poor girl and remember- it is absolutely nothing to do with you how she is supervised. So you can forget about it and assume Julia has it covered.

Julia has gotten back to me and is not happy at all. Has raised several times in the past when she has been there for me in crisis. Staying up with me in the night years ago when I had a horrid break-up, helping me with practical stuff regarding the sale of my father’s house after he died etc. All fair points.

She’d said she’s devastated at my attitude and doesn’t want to come anymore. My offer to take her and Louise for a spa day after the wedding was also referred to as “doing what’s convenient for me”

Yes that's the outcome if she can't her niece.

it's your right to say no to the niece and it's her right to decline the invite.

Invite the poor girl and remember- it is absolutely nothing to do with you how she is supervised. So you can forget about it and assume Julia has it covered.

Literally the whole point is that this girl has nothing to do with the OP, and yet you're suggesting that not only should she be forced to invite her to her wedding but that she shouldn't raise questions about how the girl is going to be supervised?? Don't be ridiculous.

But none of those times she helped you out were on her wedding day, were they? Sorry she has treated you like that OP. It sounds like it's for the best that she doesn't come and your offer of a spa day together sounds like a lovely gesture that would be a more appropriate treat for Louise.

Julia is no longer your friend. She was once but she's proving to you, with her own behaviour, that she doesn't view YOU as a friend anymore.

It happens, we can outgrow each other, but usually it's a gradual parting of ways and not via horrible emotional blackmail and bullying which she is doing to you.

I'm sorry OP, she seems intent on ruining your wedding one way or another.

OP, stick to your guns - it’s not ok to invite a traumatised teenager with a drink problem to someone else’s wedding, particularly not if it’s a very small affair. Julia may well have supported you through bad times but this doesn’t mean risking a disaster at your wedding

I am so sorry Julia is making YOUR wedding all about her.

And now it appears the times she supported you required you to be compliant of anything she needed/wanted in the future as payback at a later date. It doesn’t appear she is even that bothered about missing your actual wedding, just the trip itself. Unless you have left something out?

A good friend would want the best for you op. This is a long way from that.

Let her cool off, she might just be reacting without thinking things through, but honestly at this point behaving like this right before your wedding is pretty unforgivable.

Trying to guilt trip you into changing your mind because you supported each other in bad times is a really low bar.

They may be fair points but they really aren't comparable. I'm sure that you would stay with her overnight if she had a bad break up and you would help her with practical stuff if needed. What she is asking is very different as it does have the potential to ruin your wedding.

It's sad that it's come to this but probably for the best from the point of view of you being able to relax and enjoy your wedding without worrying about what might happen. I'd just reply with 'I'm sorry you feel that way' or similar and then contact her again after the wedding, when the dust has settled a bit.

I know it hurts but you have to keep in mind that none of what she pointed out to you is relevant.

She was being a good friend to you back then, she isn’t being a good friend by insisting Louise attends your wedding, it’s not appropriate nor would it be safe for Louise or in her best interests.

i think the reality of Julia’s situation and the sacrifices she has to make now in order to support Louise are hitting home and that is that she’s not now able to attend things like your wedding if she can’t leave Louise with another carer.
shell be feeling upset and negative about it all even if ultimately she wants to continue with the arrangement and so she us lashing out at you which is unfair.

just reiterate that Julia can still come but it won’t be safe for Louise and if that means Julia can’t come then you hope you can catch up again soon.

Well, it was likely this was going to happen. She can’t ditch her niece and you shouldn’t be expected to accommodate a situation you don’t want.

Considering your fiance, his mum and sis will also be enjoying a lovely reunion, imagine if this poor girl had a meltdown and kicked off? It would actually be really harmful to her, she’s never been abroad. Might seem very exciting until she may need medical care.
Julia is absolutely awful to have sent you that message before your wedding.
She had put you under a lot of pressure and blindsided you thinking you would roll over.
I have a feeling she’s probably not coping, it’s her who needs the break, and she’s ‘sold’ it to Louise as fun, hoping she could get extra help.
I do feel for this girl but right now she needs stability and routine.
As a teacher Julia should know what could happen.
You could have got to know her upon your return, had a lovely spa trip, where this young girl could be in a relaxing place, too.
We all help friends through ups and downs. She hadn’t mentioned once about being sad about missing seeing her friend getting married, either.

She’d said she’s devastated at my attitude and doesn’t want to come anymore.

She's devastated? She was expecting to do something that had the potential to ruin your wedding. She shouldn't have just (in effect) told you that Louise would be there. She would have discussed any issues before she told Louise that she was going on holiday. She would have come up with definite plans to make sure Louise didn't interfere with your wedding. She put you in a horrible spot with her assumptions and the way she acted on them.

Now it seems that any reasonable reservations you have are irrelevant. What's important is that Louise gets a holiday.

If she'd discussed this with you beforehand, if she'd explained how she would make it work, perhaps. But she didn't.

Your concerns are valid. There are just too many variables to make it sensible for Louise to be there, quite apart from the mental stress it would have put you under.

I'm sorry it may mean the end of your friendship but Julia is suffering from tunnel vision. She's not considering you at all.

Yes. This really doesn’t reflect well on her. If she can’t see that potentially ruining your intimate wedding is beyond the pale, she’s not much of a friend.

Out of curiosity, was your wedding date established before she agreed to foster Louise?

She is being very unfair, her examples are really nothing like this one. She wants to go to the wedding and isn't thinking about the impact on you or her niece. Even if it wasn't a wedding but was a 50th birthday it would be totally out of order for her to expect you to add a traumatised young teen to your very intimate guest list.

This kid needs to be not where there are bottles of wine lying about, watching a reunion of a family she's not part of, and never will be part of. I really think it's not in the kids best interests, and it's really not in your families.

Sorry she's being so manipulative. She can still take her neice on holiday if she thinks it would be so good for her, but not to an unrelated families event.

Though the PPs who have said they'd include her in a heartbeat might want to pm you to pass their details onto your friend, she can join one of them.

Sorry that you received that reply but I still think you have done the right thing. Stick to your guns.

You haven’t been around many drinkers, have you?

At least now you know @SmithyCakeJun that it's all actually about the trip and enjoying a party, not that she cares about you and your partner and your wedding.
One small thing, at least you've found out now, rather than while abroad at the wedding!