To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Yeah I wouldn’t get into the nitty gritty and the reasons. I think it will just make Julia defensive / find reason to take offence. Better just to say a simple ‘sorry, I’ve given it some thought and for various reasons I’d prefer to just keep it to the original arrangement. I should have made this clear originally, it was a bit of a curveball and I did want to try and be accommodating, but I don’t think it’s going to work. I hope you can still make it but understand if this makes the logistics a bit tricky for you.’

I think if you go into specifics there’s a good chance she will rush to make assurances and it will be difficult to stick to your guns without suggesting you don’t buy it or don’t trust her word.

Disinvite Julia or she'll say she's not bringing Louise then bring her anyway claiming it was impossible not to after all.

It was suggested upthread somewhere that it’s perfectly acceptable for Julia to have told Louise about the trip before clearing it with OP because Julia had paid for her own room and flights, and was doing the same for Louise.

Having thought about it somewhat, l agree. There is no problem if Julia wants to treat this as a holiday break for herself and Louise. However, she should not have assumed that it would be OK for Louise to join the wedding party, given recent events and the fact that OP’s wedding is small, specific and carefully planned. So l think OP would be reasonable to say by all means come along and enjoy the break, and hopefully we’ll catch up with you both at some point during the stay. But you absolutely cannot attend the wedding with Louise as it will ruin the dynamic and the potential for disaster is more than l am prepared to risk.

Don’t know about the jealousy bit but the rest I kind of agree with.

It was really presumptuous and self-involved of Julia to assume she could bring this troubled child (or any uninvited child or other plus one) to her friend’s tiny wedding. If she wanted to check it should have been a very tentative enquiry with a clear ‘out’ for OP if she didn’t feel comfortable.

Julia has put OP in a very awkward situation, and the fact OP feels sure Julia will take offence if she says no again says that Julia has form for being self-centred and inconsiderate and putting upon other people. There is a lot of unspoken pressure on OP to go along with what Julia wants, to her own detriment (and it’s her bloody wedding, planned with care and meaning!) OP would be perfectly reasonable to say no, and any decent friend would understand this.

This is such a tricky situation @SmithyCakeJun, it's quite unfair of Julia to make this your problem to deal with. If she'd given how you would feel some thought, I suspect she may have decided to stay home with Louise.

I think your suggested compromise where they attend the ceremony, but not the evening reception is very kind, and I would hope that Julia will take a moment to put herself in your shoes and understand that this is not a slight on her, but that you are in fact being incredibly accommodating in allowing Julia to attend your wedding trip at all.

If Julia kicks up a fuss about not attending the evening reception, I would just tell her that it's a shame that she isn't taking a moment to consider how you, the bride feels about the disruption to her wedding. You could tell her that in an ideal world, you wouldn't have Louise there at all, but given the circumstances you understand why she needs to be with Julia and so have decided to accommodate her on the trip, and at the ceremony. But the risk of harm to Louise by being around unlimited alcohol and people drinking, coupled with the risk of possible disruption to your carefully planned wedding are simply too high to manage while allowing you, the bride to enjoy what is supposed to be a once in a lifetime day.

YANBU whatever you do, I just hope Julia is able to see things from your perspective, as you have tried very hard to see things from hers. I hope you have a wonderful wedding, it sounds like it's going to be a wonderful few days - if you feel like letting us know how it went afterwards, I'm sure we'd all love to hear all about it!

I wouldn’t allow this OP, it’s your wedding and you’re entitled to have it exactly as you want it. I’d rather my friend didn’t attend in these circumstances.

I wouldn’t find it tricky either. No is a complete sentence. Of course the child’s situation is sad, not your problem on your wedding trip though is it.

This.

It’s not a formal foster arrangement, at the minute the child is listed as “child in need” rather than “looked after”. Julia’s career was in childcare so I presume she is well trusted by SS to make decisions in the child’s best interest.

I have taken steps to protect Louise’s privacy with this post. It’s obviously a fake name and the limited details given about her background have been altered slightly. Even so, all of this the concerns I have regarding her being at the party and all the substance risks I spoke about are still present.

I have raised my concerns to Julia over messenger (we can’t really meet in person before the wedding unless Louise is present, making it hard to discuss) and have only received a thumbs up emoji in response. I presume she is mulling it over.

A thumbs up emoji? Is she always dismissive like that? It’s another inappropriate response.
At the very least she could have said she was coming back to you once she had the opportunity to think about it.

Op, she is not coming across well on here. Is she normally caring of your feelings? Or is the friendship usually unbalanced?

I would be prepared for a counter message of reassurance, none of which she can realistically enforce.

It is not a random child - it is your best friend's niece. It depends on how much you want your best friend at your wedding or not. You don't seem to have much faith in your friend being able to stay sober despite no longer having alcohol in her house - do you not think she is responsible enough to realise the implications of her having a drink at your wedding?
That said - she should have not mentioned it to Louise before you had given her a decision as now it will blamed on you if it doesn't happen.
Also will you /she lose out on what has been paid for the flights and hotel if she can't come?
I would explain to her - there will be alcohol and I am concerned Louise will try to drink and the toddler being there may trigger her and without being unsympathetic to her trauma - I don't want to run the risk of the wedding being derailed.

Good luck OP, I really hope there is a good solution for you all. Louisa not being a looked after child does explain why the social worker seemed a bit blasé about it all, they won’t really have any authority to say no if someone with parental responsibility is in agreement with her going.

Speak to your friend. Share your concerns and see what she thinks. She has probably considered all of these scenarios already and I'd be hoping she has a sound plan on how to deal with it as or when it comes up.

You need to use your words here and explain that you want to be accommodating, but your mind is running away with you on things that could go wrong. If she just starts kicking off at you then she's not the best friend you thought she was.

@SmithyCakeJun oh my god, a thumbs up emoji would make me see red.

At this point I hope she bows out without making much of a fuss and leaves you be.

A thumbs up emoji isn't thinking things over.

It's entirely dismissive of and ignoring your concerns

This is not the behaviour of a friend

Surely then if we are putting the child’s needs before everything else the right thing for Julia to do would be to stay at home with the child. To keep her safe. To keep her in routine and in touch daily with mental heath services. That is the correct and responsible way to look after the child in such a precarious state.

Julia should apologise to op, acknowledge the circumstances are extraordinary and excuse herself from the wedding.

I am sorry op but my interpretation of a thumbs up in this scenario is that she is pissed off, and the longer it goes on for without a reply the more likely this is.

Was she expecting you to cave? Are you normally very easy going/pushover? Sorry but her reply is not respectful or appropriate given your wedding is in two weeks.

What a load of claptrap.

Julia took on the responsibility; the OP didn’t. OP isn’t looking for anything but for Julia to either adhere to the original invitation or to gracefully withdraw. Julia cannot take a self-harming, suicidal, substance-abusing teenager into her home and expect everyone around her to adjust. Julia is the one who needs to adjust.

This is a carefully planned wedding, not a garden BBQ. One doesn’t bring a traumatised stranger along uninvited.

The thumbs-up emoji is bollocks. She couldn’t be bothered to compose an articulate reassuring reply. What a CF.

I have raised my concerns to Julia over messenger (we can’t really meet in person before the wedding unless Louise is present, making it hard to discuss) and have only received a thumbs up emoji in response. I presume she is mulling it over.

Oh OP, why didn't you just say no? I very much doubt Julia is thinking it over. She's just thinking it'll be fine. And by only expressing your concerns you've led her even more to think she's bringing Louise.

Julia can do just that, by staying home.

OP’s doesn’t need to prove her moral worthiness by putting herself, her groom and her guests last behind Julia and Louise.

In this case, bugger that.

Thumbs up emoji....wow!
She really is a CF without an ounce of respect for you or your wedding.

If she hasn’t called or replied by now she is no friend (or loss) No friend would deliberately leave a situation like this just hanging. She will know you well enough to understand the anguish it is causing you.

As @Testingmypatience1 put she is no friend.
She's clearly thought she'd bulldoze you into doing as she wanted and she's giving you the silent treatment as punishment for not doing so.