To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I love this phrase “fait accompli” that I’ve been reading here, never heard of it before!

It's French - literally means "thing that has been done", ie presenting something as a fait accompli = presenting a done deal

@C152 totally agree.

If OP has an ounce of sense she will rethink her non friendship with Julia.

No real friend would do this in a million years.

No one in real life would consider this anything other than complete cheeky fxxkery on Julia's behalf.

The more I think about it, I would be tempted as mother of the bride to step in and tell Julia to get a grip.

No real friend would play roulette with a dear friends wedding like this.

Makes me wonder actually what her motivation might be?

Has she ever been the jealous type at all.
Because those with a suspicious mind might think this is real sabotage.

She should have just bowed out of the wedding with apologies.

It sounds like an awful idea for Louise to come to your wedding. She is extremely vulnerable. Suicide attempts, self harm - poor kid has been through so much by the sounds of it.

Being kind is important but is it kind to everyone else / to you? You are allowed to have your wedding how you want it with the people you chose. 12 guests is a very small wedding and you have chosen that for a reason.

A bit of a get together in the family home? I'd probably say OK. But Julia stays sober and removes Louise at the first sign of anything.

My wedding? Definitely not.

And to all the BeKind promoters, it's the OP's wedding. She's allowed to BeKind to herself and her future husband and the guests she's already invited too..

I think this is a really tough one. I’d be honest with your friend about your reservations and say that if the child comes you hope she will be supervised at all times so that you can all relax and enjoy the wedding

I think you’ll look back at this in years to come and realise that weddings are simply one day and that friendships last a life time .
your friendship won’t recover if you exclude her.

If this friendship is for life then Julia will understand that the OP's wedding is important and, like you say, one day - that she can't repeat. If Louise comes and something happens to her or because of her, that's much more likely to damage the friendship.

Attending her foster mother's friend's wedding is not going to be pivotal to this young girl's recovery, whatever the BeKind brigade might say.

Oh and I wonder has the OP given any serious thought to her husband to be?

Or is this another people pleasing situation where he just gets to suck up the possibility of his wedding day being possibly spoiled?

Because OP should think long and hard about how HE will feel if the day is spoiled and the OP put Julia ahead of him on the day.

Because if the situation was reversed I can tell you I would be telling OP to rethink the whole wedding as it is a huge red flag as to how marriage would be to him.

I don't think I would alone in that view either.

I'm surprised the social worker and school are fine with her having time off for a holiday.

If this is happening soon, has she already bought the plane ticket for her niece, @SmithyCakeJun ? If you don't want her there, I think you need to tell her asap-like today.

Absolutely! So many of the beeee kind!! Centre Louise and Julia are forgetting about OPs partner!!

Not in my world. I would take drinking to excess as a serious matter. The OP’s description of Louise’s drinking would get me excluding Louise from events with alcohol.

Even Jesus said thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

According to some on MN though, thou shalt only love thy neighbour, never thyself. Not even on thine own wedding day.

Why are people presuming that OP's wedding is the only chance Louise has for a 'holiday'?

If Julia wants to take Louise away she can take her away anyway just the two of them, she doesn't need OP's wedding to do that!

I don’t think Julia is the good friend OP thinks she is.

No big loss if she takes the hump.

Louise would not get within 500 miles of my wedding. It’s not a rehab or therapy venue.

I think Julia is being very unreasonable. Bringing traumatized teenager who struggles with alcohol to a small intimate wedding abroad is a recipe for disaster. You need to have a honest conversation with her and hope she will be reasonable and understanding.

I don’t think this is something that should be dealt with via text message. You need to have a proper face to face conversation.

I would say to your BF that you really feel for this girl and understand that a trip away might be just what she needs but your wedding isn’t the place for this to happen. You will also need to accept that this will probably mean that your BF won’t be able to make your wedding.

wrong thread

@SmithyCakeJun oh dear I think you should have posted before responding . As I think you should have said “no im not ok with that Julia” .
Id be honest and say Julia I’m really no ok with you bringing Louise and I understand your responsibility to her so if you can’t make the wedding I totaly understand.

I was best maid nice and one of the relatives was 30s and an alcoholic yes I felt for her but I made it known if this person went on the abroad hen weekend I wouldn’t be going as I felt it would be trouble and I also didn’t want to be responsible.
I totaly understand your concerns .
I think Julia should take Lesley some where on her own and miss this one out .

Is it a religious wedding or what kind of celebrant do you have? They should have safeguarding training. Raise it with them. They can assess and put their foot down. I would ask about the venue's safeguarding policies but Malta is different from the UK.

Do you have the kind of partner who would communicate a joint decision on your behalf and also ask them to leave you alone during a beautiful but stressful time? In a Darcy rather than Bingley tone.

Give it no mind, OP, shelve it after flagging it to authorities like social services and the celebrant. Return to it when you're back.

Will you go on honeymoon? That's a lovely part of the world. Enjoy!

If your concern is of potentially losing a friendship, neither option is risk free. If it all goes tits up on your wedding day, I don’t rate the chances of the friendship surviving too well. You need to play it safe and say, sorry, the more I think about this, the more I see it’s just not going to work with the day I’ve got in mind.

I’m obviously late to this and have not read whole thread but OP, YANBAAU to politely let your friend know that you’d rather she attend alone. It would have been better if it had been nipped in the bud sooner – as soon as she mentioned it – but Julia should not have just presumed it was ok to bring her.

Why does this need to be the case? It’s totally normal to choose who you want at your wedding, whether it’s children, acquaintances, just close family, etc.

I don’t understand why Julia has just presumed it’s ok to bring Louise, and if she’s a decent friend she should understand.

And if Julia agrees to all this in advance but then doesn't actually do it when the time comes? How do you suggest that OP deals with that at her own wedding?

This would be my worry. Julia has a history of getting drunk and shirking.

Don’t think so. Very pertinent.