To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Does Julia know that there will be free access to alcohol there? Also personally I’m not the greatest fans of weddings most are boring if you don’t know the couple because its your partners friends or whatever so drinking gets me through! I can’t imagine as a untroubled teenager going to a strange couples wedding you’d want to do anything other than drink let alone a heavily troubled one

its a difficult one but it maybe a case of having a word saying you don’t mind but concerned about the free access to alcohol and don’t want to put Louise in that position so how is she going to make sure Louise stays sober?

or I assume that having Louise there would be an increase on overall numbers at the wedding say the package you’ve booked is only for x number of people so you can’t have her there.

are any other kids going? You could say it’s over 18’s only if not

Oh Op, Julia has been very unfair to you. She didn't consult you before inviting another person to your wedding and she didn't even have the courtesy to speak to you about it. She sent you a text - how rude, what's wrong with picking up the phone? She sent a text to make it more difficult for you to say no.
This is a mad place sometimes, but the simple answer is that you carefully chose who you want at your wedding and you don't want to add to the guest list. You have no responsibility to provide the child with a little holiday, and it isn't a suitable event for her anyway.
Julia is no best friend to put you in this situation. You however are a very good friend to her to even give this headspace.
Many people would have replied instantly along the lines of - I'm sorry Julia, that won't work. I really want you to be there with us, but it's a small gathering for more than one reason and not suitable for Louise to be added to the guest list.
All these compromises and excuses people are telling you to use, it's ridiculous. It's very bad manners to invite anyone to someone else's wedding - we've had loads of threads where people have been outraged at kids being brought along without permission, or others demanding that their partners be invited. For goodness sake pull the plaster, say no, and move on. If Julia gets pissed off and drops out then it tells you who she is and how much of a friend she isn't.

^ this

Is it not possible that Julia would actually be relieved to be released from the expectation that OP needs her to attend the wedding?

Knowing that she is one of only two friends invited, perhaps she is worried that OP would be upset by her saying this late that she can’t go, and is trying to reassure her that she will?

I don’t think it would be a fun experience for Louise at all. A holiday with Julia, yes, but a very small wedding with people she’s never met would be difficult for lots of (only just) teens, let alone one who’s going through all that Louise is.

Why is she putting herself and her weekend away in front of a traumatised child who is in need of alcohol-free stability?

This is what so maany of us have been wondering throughout, @ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself, especially in the face of the insistence that OP should "be kind"

I'd ask how it's "kind" to load such a vulnerable child with what could be a very stressful situation, but this is all too often swept aside among the virtue signalling

Being ‘kind’ means keeping a child close the services that could save her life.

Will you be totally accepting of your friend no longer coming to your wedding, if you say now to her foster child?
Not make Julia feel bad for no longer being able to attend?

It's a nice idea, Supperlite, but unfortunately contains a lot of feel/think, which will almost certainly be brushed aside with a flappy hand

Especially when Julia's already steamrollered OP in an attempt to get what she wants, even at the risk of spoiling her "best friend's" day

Are social services in that area unable to say no?

Edited to add we've no way of knowing if SS really are aware, @LlynTegid, or if they are whether Julia has been honest about the details

Sometimes life throws things at you, unexpectedly.
In this case it’s throwing them even harder at Louise than at you - and also pretty violently at Julia!
Be generous, accept your new guest, this may be a pivotal moment for her.
On a practical point, Julia clearly has to take full responsibility for her guest & remove her from any situations that aren’t positive & in the spirit of your wedding.

Have a wonderful celebration of your marriage x

And again all the nos! This is ops wedding, not a 'pivotal moment' for Louise.
Are you married? If so at your wedding, if a guest had said 'oh yeah, can I bring along x? Lots of issues, trauma, alcohol xs, theyre verbally abusive/agressive, quite likely to disrupt everything.....' you'd have said of course!! Your family member is clearly a pivotal focus for our wedding day!! Couldn't be held without them! Oh and can't wait to meet them on the day!!
Bollocks!!

If Julia was a decent friend she would not put you in this position
No one in their right mind just invites an extra person to a small wedding abroad.
Only the other day there was a thread about someone taking their child to eat at a wedding breakfast the day after and got asked to leave ,and everyone was horrified at the mum taking the child for a bit of breakfast.
Yet this is inviting a person the bride does not know to a weekend wedding abroad.
You just don't do that
So Julia is a cheeky FC ,and should never of asked ,this the ops wedding day ,she's been looking forward to it for ages ,it's wrong of Julia to put her in this position.
I think op people have got all sympathy for the child , without realising this is not your family ,this child is nothing to do with you ,not your responsibility.
Had you of not gone in to the child's difficult background,I think people would of said Julia was unreasonable for telling you she was bringing her .
So yes the child's background is very sad ,but that's nothing to do with you ,it's not like this is a trip to the park your saying no to,..it's an actual wedding abroad
Definitely say no

@SmithyCakeJun you need to read the thread where all the #bekind mawkish posters were attempting to guilt trip the OP into taking responsibility for paying her husbands ex of more than 10 years ago rent!!

Yeah I have to say I agree with this. Someone's wedding is not supposed to be a "pivotal moment" in the therapeutic intervention for someone the bride doesnt know. Thats really inappropriate. A holiday certainly could be- but thats something Julia can easily arrange herself if she feels a holiday would indeed be beneficial/therapeutic for Louise. In fact, I would ask why hasnt she already arranged a weekend away herself if she feels it would be so healing and good for Louise?

Julia is acting as if the OP's wedding is her only chance to offer this girl a break away which is ridiculous- they could go away next weekend if she wanted to arrange it.

Placing the onus and responsibility on the OP to use her wedding as a some kind of rehabilitative treatment for Louise is deeply inappropriate.

OP, you really shouldnt have been pushed to have to give this your headspace. Apart from that, I dont understand why anyone would think this was a good idea to take this child to such a trip, and thats the alcohol aside.
Please find a way to say no and get it out of your head to concentrate on your wedding.

I can honestly see this being a very triggering event for Louise. The free flowing alcohol, the the toddler, along with the new and possibly anxiety-inducing experiences of first time on a plane, being at an intimate family event of a family she doesn't know. I had different (and probably less significant) family trauma and self harmed and drank at that age. Mine was never as serious as Louise's but I feel like this would have been a triggering situation for me.

I think potentially most worrying is the possibility that Julia may drink and may not be giving Louise full attention and support. If she's looking after a girl going through something like this, I would have thought she would need to be prepared to step out of the event at any stage if/when she noticed any sign of distress from Louise.

If you do speak with Julia, I would be more likely to raise concerns about the the various potential triggers and challenging situations that Louise will be exposed to. If you are happy to come, maybe let Julia know you understand if she will need to skip the reception or need to leave if it becomes difficult for Louise at any time.

Not nonsense at all, it's what Julia has done, according to the OP. Julia:

1. got permission from the child’s parents before ASKING the bride if she could bring a +1 to her SMALL (12 people), close friend and family wedding.
2. cleared it with social services before asking the bride
3. told the CHILD before asking the bride
4. is trying to guilt trip the bride by:
5. saying the social worker is encouraging this trip, as if it’s a fait accompli
6. saying how much the child is looking forward to the trip, and going on a plane for the first time and having a holiday with her auntie
7. clearly texting regularly about the trip, saying “It’s lucky her [Louise] passport was sorted last year!” - again, just assuming the child is coming
8. telling the bride how good the trip will be the child

All of the above, combined with casually TEXTING (not even bothering to call or meet to genuinely ask face to face) the bride to say, "I assume it's okay I bring Louise" is what I call bullish behaviour.

Let's face it, making an assumption and lazily sending a text is not really asking, politely, is it? Asking in and of itself would be rude enough. Assuming a close, small, family wedding is the appropriate place for a stranger neither of the couple has ever met before is outrageous.

I really can't understand why you're arguing with people. It's absolutely fine to have a different opinion, but other than saying it might help Louise's mental state to get away, you haven't explained why the OP should entertain this.

According to the OP, the child has:

• had trauma since the day she was born
• has trouble regulating her emotions
• has been hospitalised more than once for self harm
• has been hospitalised more than once for excessive drinking
• something so traumatic happened recently that she was removed from her home and placed elsewhere
• she has RECENTLY been hospitalised for a suicide attempt using pills and alcohol
• she has RECENTLY been separated from her toddler sister, which she is devastated about
• When stressed and anxious she can shout abuse at those around her
• She is obviously stressed at being separated from her sister and there will be another toddler at the table she will have to sit at if the OP lets her go to the wedding.

And that’s just the tip of the ice berg. The OP says there is a lot more than she cannot say!

Of the 12 people invited to the wedding, 8 are close family, 2 are best friends of the groom and 2 are best friends of the bride. Where do you think an unstable, unrelated child would fit in to this group? Is it possible that her guardian - who has been known to get too drunk to care for her own children at previous weddings - will not be able to keep the close eye on her that she should?

There’s also the important point that the OP’s fiancé doesn’t want this child there. And that they deliberately want a small wedding so they can focus on catching up with their terminally ill relative, the sister the fiancé and his mother haven’t seen in years and the nephew he’s never been able to meet.

All you need to say to Julia is
This is not appropriate for Louise, or for my wedding and I'm very surprised you thought it ok to suggest

I love this phrase “fait accompli” that I’ve been reading here, never heard of it before!

I think Julia should politely back out of the wedding and take Louise on a holiday where Louise is the focus, not the bride and groom (who obviously should be at their wedding)

This is a fcking stupid idea and has the potential to completely blow up.

This is a child with severe trauma, a history of being hospitalised when stressed, has panic attacks and has addiction issues to the point that no alcohol can be left in the home.

Yet she thinks its a great idea to take her to a wedding with a wine dispenser that is easily accessible to anyone, there will be a party with loads of people she has never met, reminders of her toddler sister which she knows upsets her, it will be loud and there wont be anywhere she can go to calm herself if a panic attack looms. Oh, and the cherry on the cake- Julia is also likely to get pissed so not be in a fit state to assist her.

This has disaster written all over it. Tell her no.

Why not share your worries? Julia may have considered everything and decided the best coarse of action is for her to come.

If family is so important why did you wait for a wedding and not arrange a holiday sooner?

I'm gobsmacked so many believe the OP has so little agency in their small wedding.

That a close friends family emergency should use the OP's wedding to be a salve to her family crisis.

In real life I think it would be treated very differently by most, with a firm No.

Julia is a complete CF to have suggested this.
She has thrown enormous stress at the poor OP in the run up to her wedding.
I think if the OP doesn't knock this firmly on the head, her relationship with Julia is unlikely to recover and I for one wouldn't blame her.

What Julia has done is not normal.
It is entitled, manipulative and lacks any self awareness.

If the OP was MY daughter getting married I would be furious on her behalf.

OP needs to be honest with herself now before it is too late.
Will her relationship with Julia survive this hijacking of her wedding by her?
I think it will be hugely resented by OP when the wedding is over, however it goes.
She will resent this stress being placed on her.

IMO the best chance of the relationship surviving this is for OP to spell out No, not happening and I don't want any discussion dragged on, spoiling my small wedding.

If it was my daughter I really would be furious with Julia for doing this.

So bloody rude.

I'd probably say something like -

"I've been thinking about this I think I'd be quite worried about Louise at the wedding. She'd be in a foreign country for the first time, which can be quite anxiety inducing. She'd be at a very small family event of people she doesn't know which would probably be hard with what she's been through. There's a young toddler coming which could be quite triggering being separated for her sibling. There's also free access to alcohol which is a big worry as she's struggled with medicating her trauma with alcohol. It doesn't sound like a very safe event for Louise and I think I'd be spending the event worrying about her welfare. Might it be better if you come to the ceremony and the chill day then next day but give the reception a miss? That would also give you a bit of 1-1 time to enjoy being away and make sure Louise is okay without the extra pressures of the reception e.g. lots of strangers, alcohol, etc"

Again, who cares what Julia decides is best!?

Its NOT A 'HOLIDAY' FOR THE BENEFIT OF HER AND LOUISE! 🤐

I wish we could pin posts to the top of discussions because this fucjing NAILS IT

Another thought, if she comes she is going to be in all your wedding photos! A lovely intimate family photo plus random child who isnt related and who you don't know.