To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Malta is a brilliant place to disappear. Shady alleys, deep water, high cliffs, outdoor dining with lovely shiny real sharp knives. Why would anyone take a suicidal teen there to mingle with grownups who are getting tipsy and whose focus is elsewhere.

Julia could still take the child and have a closely supervised holiday. Skip the wedding though. That's insanely selfish to think of crashing the party with the child instead of concentrating on the child and what's best for her.

But seemingly you think your aggressive post is ok.

I have reported the thread. If this is in fact real, a vulnerable child’s details have been posted that are likely very outing.

You called her a liar and then reported a 29-page thread?
My post wasn’t aggressive.
I called a spade a spade.

I am going to go against the grain here and say your best friend is being a totally unreasonable. Your wedding is too small and there are too many variables. You don't know the girl and her well being and behaviour should not be added to your responsibilities. You will be on edge, your fiance will be on edge and you won't be able to relax fully.

I am not without sympathy, it's admirable that Julia is there for her niece but if she and the social worker think holiday abroad will be a good idea and a boost for Louise then it can be arranged without piggy backing your small wedding.

Some friends have a similar situation, marriage breakdown of a useless sibling. Teenage daughter is a school refuser - bright but manipulative. Friends became legal guardians working with various agencies to get her back into a routine.

I have seen melt downs at BBQS and family parties by this girl from from teary outburst with mild swearing to glass smashing and vile name calling. Is it deliberate, or attention seeking? I think she gets over whelmed. Perhaps the revelry reminds her of her own family situation, it can be pretty volatile and that is without alcohol and self harming being an issue. But extended family with smaller children are backing away from these gatherings now.

It's unfortunate for Louise (and for you) that she has been told about this wedding before it was discussed with you. Again, undue pressure from Julia. Can't Louise stay with one of Julia's children? Perhaps with Julia's mother? You deserve to enjoy your own wedding without the worry stone in the out of your stomach.

But she has drinking problen, and op will havre drinks in the party.

Op tell the friend, there is a risk of Louise drinking so you can't invite her.

How hard would it be to find the contact details of the social worker and have a confidential discussion with them about this?

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I really feel for Louise and I’m so sorry she has found herself in this situation. It’s so great that you have taken her in to love and care for her. I understand it’d be helpful for her to have a getaway break, but a stranger’s intimate wedding ceremony with free bar just doesn’t feel like a safe or sensible choice for Louise to recuperate. Considering it is such an intimate affair, which we have invested so much time and care into, it also means a lot to me to be free to relax and not to worry about anything. I would feel really concerned for her welfare, particularly as she isn’t well traveled and has gone through so much recently. I can imagine it could actually become overwhelming for her quite quickly. I completely understand and support you if you aren’t able to come without her. I just don’t think this particular context is the right outlet for her, I hope you understand”

Just tell her it won’t work, but do it quickly before she spends money on this.

Just ask Julia if Louise will be okay around the alcohol served? Say to Julia “you have been brilliant taking on Louise and not drinking in solidarity with her. Will you both be okay around alcohol if I make sure there are some nice mocktails? The last thing I want is for you both to be triggered and to be honest I’m worried it will end up in a big mess on the evening?” If she’s your friend she’ll understand and you e also played out what you expect from them both, to stay sober and not make a scene.

💯

On reflection - You need to be completely honest with Julia, that it isn’t safe to take Louise out of the country at the moment given everything that has happened since. It is causing you significant stress and worry just thinking about it. Louise will need access to the crisis team, A&E and her mental health team. She may not even qualify for travel insurance given her recent history and risks. It is a massive gamble you will be taking, as she isn’t stable and you have no idea what might trigger her. It’s too much risk. This is a child’s life we are talking about - and with respect a wedding day is just one day but if something were to happen to Louise I doubt anyone would recover from that.

Yes it would have been lovely if Julia could be there at your wedding, but this was organised before all of this happened with Louise. Maybe you could set up a live feed, do they can watch from home?

I don’t think they can safely come op. I don’t think it would be fair to you to have the worry of the situation imploding. Even if it’s managed away from your wedding it will definitely spill over on to your day.l if a hospital visit or worse happens.

We need to consider the best interests for the child in the centre of this - her life depends on it.

On thar basis you make arrangements to celebrate with Julia and Louise when you are back.

You outline the very real risks to Julia clearly and concisely today. I am sure Julia is quietly worrying about the sane thing, but she doesn’t want to ruin your day by raising it with you, and is trying to work around it.

My best friend couldn’t make my wedding, she had surgery on her feet, it made no difference to my day which was wonderful or our friendship.

Big girl pants on today op and send her a message if you can’t see her in person for a while. The quicker this is dealt with the better for all of you.

Julia has responsibilities now though. She can’t ditch her vulnerable niece.

Exactly. Which is why she should stay at home with Louise.

Yes Julia needs to be responsible and stay at home. Taking a suicidal teen to a wedding thousands of miles away is ludicrous and dangerous.

I think it's wrong to put a child who struggles so much with alcohol somewhere where it could be easily accessible.

If there was no alcohol issue then the rest of it wouldnt bother me if your friend was going to pay for her.

First ever flight, which can be difficult for anyone, even more so if you are travelling with Ryanair and the impact of their staff who are bullied into not allowing discretion. And all the other things mentioned.

Are social services in that area unable to say no? YANBU to at least avoid it impacting you.

I completely agree and I think it's really bad of Julia to assume it's ok to bring anyone at all to an intimate wedding.

Do you honestly think SW would discuss a very vulnerable child with her foster carers pal?

I'd be very worried about the professionalism of the SW if they said anything

I think it’s really unfair of your friend to put you in this position.

I would not have her at my wedding. Although it’s a sad situation, the child is not your responsibility.
this is your day with only 12 people and I’m sure there are other people you would have loved to invite but haven’t as you’ve kept your guest list small.
If invited, there is potential that it could all go very wrong.
your friend is unreasonable to expect her to attend. This is a child with complex issues.
I would absolutely decline her attendance.

It's a tiny wedding and it's really unfair to expect an invite for Louise (who's a stranger) when there must be so many other people you're close to who won't be there.

Julia is also thoughtless for telling Louise about it without checking with you first. Is there anyone else who could accompany them who could do something with Louise while Julia is at the wedding?

I think this is a good response.
It is caring but very firm on boundaries.
If you send something like this and she still comes back, I would ask if her travel insurance is valid as someone has suggested upthread. If she can’t get travel insurance and unfortunately it sounds quite probable that a medical intervention may be required, it could be a very expensive break.

Don’t do it. Just speak to your friend, tell her you’ve been talking it over a bit more with your fiancé and you are both feeling really anxious about putting Louise in a really tricky position and exposing her to multiple potential triggers. Say if it were any other holiday you would be fully supportive, but that you’re already feeling really worried, and that those worries will only build. I think you’ll have to be clear you don’t think it’s right for her to come. You’ll be on edge the entire time. I’m sorry but it’s your wedding day, if others are saying it’s a bit selfish so be it!

Plenty of people get married without their “best friend” in attendance for myriad reasons. Julia and Louise have too much potential to be disruptive. And I can see them getting bored and crashing the reception despite any prior agreement.