To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Look, at the end of the day you seem to be after getting completely het up about something that is a random strangers on the internets dilemma and her decision to make, ….it doesn’t really have anything to do with you nor is it your decision to make

It’s not a separate holiday - she’s intending to bring Louise to the wedding and told the child about the trip before clearing it with OP. If OP refuses to have her at the wedding what is she going to do while Julia attends ?

It's not blackmail. It was assumptive.

The OP and Julia have spoken about Louise. If their lives were more closely aligned then I think Julia would have realised that bringing Louise wouldn't be the right thing to do for the OP.. similarly, the OP would have known to ask about the situation with Louise and the wedding - has she been more tuned in. So, different paths. I'm not getting that Julia is selfish. Or that OP is being bridezilla. Stuff has happened and they are in different orbits.

Just talk to her.

Ah, on the defensive now, so you’ve just realised your argument failed to take into account the relevant details. It’s a public forum and it has as much to do with me as it does anyone else taking part in the discussion. l’m as entitled to my opinion as anyone else thanks

Like you @SmithyCakeJun all I can see is a disaster waiting to happen. I would speak to your friend and suggest she reconsider attending because:

• she has had to remove all alcohol from her house for Louise to live with her. You are going to have an on tap, unsupervised bar. That's high risk. It would be very easy for Louise either to help herself directly from the bar or sneak partly drunk drinks while people are distracted. Particularly as she won't know anyone and will potentially feel out of place, particularly if Julia is enjoying herself at the party and not paying so much attention to Louise.
• it is very possible she will be triggered by your 4yo nephew reminding her of her sibling. I am sure your fiancés family will be making a big fuss of him and Louise will potentially feel excluded.
• the compromise that they don't attend the meal/party could possibly work with regards to avoiding alcohol but will it avoid the nephew trigger? What does Julia propose to do if Louise attempts to take her life again? As someone noted above she will need to make sure she has very good travel insurance - I'm not sure if insurance companies would be willing to take a risk with this pre-existing condition that has not yet been fully treated (from the sounds of it).

Well clearly Julia can't leave the girl. So it's a day by the pool for them,if Op doesn't want them at the wedding

Julia's flight and room are paid for Op can't tell her not to take the trip.

Being a dick ? Really ? Care to expand on that ?

I think she needs to be listened to and supported to grow up. It sounds like she's had a sh1t life to date, poor kid.

I'd run the risk. She needs something +ve in her life and your wedding will be a big +ve for her.

But be very clear on the rules with your friend - the first sign of anything off and they both leave. No alcohol, no misbehaving.

You then won't need to worry about anything its for your friend to manage.

I’d Julia’s asked then I think she’s given you a window to say no. I don’t think you have to over explain, just say ‘sorry, with it being such a small
wedding I don’t think bringing Louise is going to work’

It might well mean that Julia can’t come and that’s sad but I don’t think it’ll be the end of your friendship.

I’m a therapist who works with kids and this seems like a terrible idea, I agree OP. This doesn’t sound like it’s been properly risk assessed at all. She could literally do anything, how far would she be from specialist medical attention for a start? And in a super triggering setting too? Nope nope nope.

Even if they're both likely to end up pissed and causing a scene? I doubt you would want your wedding ruined actually

It actually doesn’t have anything to do with you 😂😂

I don't really believe that any professional involved with this girl's care thought it would be beneficial for her to attend a wedding where there is booze? No way. I think Julia isn't being truthful here, sorry.

I can imagine that if her social worker was presented with a ‘small family holiday with lots of people I know well who will all be supportive’ they would say yes. The OP however has all the detail and the vision for how things will be.

I think you're going to have to be absolutely brutal to to your friend Julia.

'Julia, are you fucking insane?!? You want to bring Louise to an intimate wedding where she knows NO-ONE except you, and there'll be an open bar? Can you not see what a huge pressure you're planning to put her under? I get that you really want to be at my wedding, but it just cruel - you need to prioritise Louise's needs over your wants here, and not come.'

I'd throw the ball back into Julia's court. Raise the issue about the self serve bar and ask if she thinks it'll be an issue for Louise? Ask if she'd rather skip the evening do but have the nice break away still?

Julia might have already made her own risk assessment in her mind around this anyway.

It's a small, intimate wedding. There is no way you'd want the focus pulled on your pleasant day by some random teen with serious problems. Even if she didn't have these problems, there is no way anyone sane would want some random extra child at their small, intimate, destination wedding, or even their large local wedding. So tell her 'Louise' is not invited and cannot come.

Who would want to risk anything happening at their wedding, or having to worry about it, and keep an eye out for it, or just have a random there anyway.

Wtf??

No doubt the girl has needs but OP isn’t responsible for sorting that let alone jeopardizing her freaking wedding!!

Bollocks, if the child had a tendency to drink too much and cause severe situations, you’d be completely justified to say no as well. Same goes for any family member that drinks to excess and cannot behave.

I’m amazed at this self serve alcohol arrangement, is this a common thing? I’ve never heard of it and I imagine it would be very hard for a licensed establishment to enforce RSA standards.

I hope Julia doesn’t read Mumsnet or if she does, can’t figure out pseudonyms.

The wedding is a big positive for the bride and groom.

Anyone else present can just feel lucky.

Stupid Username, @Duolingod.
Just call her a liar. It saves space and everybody knows that’s what you’re doing anyhow.