To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

You may be right. In which case, Julia should book a nice holiday in the sun for herself and Louise to enjoy together. Not try to bullishly push this girl into her best friend's wedding party.

What about sending her something like:

"Considering what you've told me about Louise and her recent experiences, I am extremely concerned for her wellbeing should she attend. I know how worried she is about her sister, and she would be sitting at a table with a girl the same age. I do not wish for her to get upset.
Also, there will be free self-serve alcohol on tap. As she is not supposed to even be near alcohol, I think it would be inappropriate and highly risky for her to be there.
Wouldn't it be much better if her first holiday abroad was more relaxing and aimed at her, rather than attending a stranger's wedding? While I understand that a holiday might beneficial to her, I don't think this wedding will be. I hope that you as her carer can see my concerns. I want to feel relaxed on my wedding day, and not tense."

How do you know she is currently in her comfort zone, she is in a foster caters home, this child may not have ever been abroad before, a trip like this may do her the world of good

It is highly unlikely that she would end up in hospital for alcohol poisoning while she is there as she will be accompanied by her foster carer, she won’t get the opportunity

Not try to bullishly push this girl into her best friend's wedding party.

Where are you getting this from?!?

The friend just posed the question to her, she didn’t bullishly push the girl into her wedding!!…..what nonsense

I don’t see how Julia has to clear all alcohol
out of her house and yet would consider taking this child to this sort of event.

You and Julia both have to recognise that Julia’s commitments mean she can no longer attend the wedding.

The foster carer is a family member - not the same as a total stranger. Whether or not the trip would do her good is not the issue. Nor is it the OP’s responsibility. It’s her wedding and Julia has behaved very badly by manipulating OP into a situation where it will be difficult to say no. I can’t believe so many posters believe OP is being unreasonable not to allow Julia - who is basically a CF - to hijack her wedding for her own purposes.

Julia - who is basically a CF - to hijack her wedding for her own purposes.

Jesus, what are you on about, the friend just posed the question to her?!?!

I'd ask if you can have a chat rather than doing something like this over text and see how Julia responds to your concerns/thoughts.

Hopefully she can see where you're coming from. I wouldn't want to risk Louise being there either, sadly, because of her previous behaviour, not because she's an unofficial foster child.

It’s all in the OP’s posts and updates. What else would you call it ? Julia cleared the trip with social services and then told the child she would be having a ‘holiday with auntie’ before she even mentioned it to OP - and even then she didn’t ask her, she TOLD her. She’s pushing the child into the wedding proceedings because she wants to go herself and knows that taking Louise is the only way to get there. That’s not in the best interests of the child and it’s really concerning that so many posters think it is.

Jesus, what are you on about, the friend just posed the question to her?!?!

There was no question. It was a statement, 'I'm assuming it's OK to bring Louise'. Having already spoken to Social Services and got Louise all excited about a plane journey.

That's not, by any stretch of the imagination, a genuine question.

No she didn’t. She arranged for social services to approve the trip and told the child she would be having a holiday with auntie. Before she even mentioned it to OP. Manipulative and underhand - she tried to make it impossible for OP to say no.

Agree with others that I’d agree on condition they both stay sober - if she objects and decides not to come then you’ll have made right decision either way

OP I'm sensing that you're a people pleaser. And that Julia knows it and is preying on it.

Her behaviour over this has been disgraceful. And suggests that whatever she says about it in advance, she will make the day (and indeed the whole weekend) all about Louise.

Those people saying if Julia is such a good friend why can't you just talk to her - how was Julia being a good friend when she arranged all this behind your back? Why didn't she talk to you when it was a genuine question, not a fait accompli? She's fully expecting to bounce you into this.

She really shouldn't be coming. And if you can't be the one to tell her, get DP to do it.

Don’t be ridiculous she posed the question to her and the OP can refuse if she wishes….it’s quite simple

I know that it's standard for foster parents. I've a long history of working with children and young people who are in Foster and kinship care. I would think that the mitigating factor in this instance is close supervision which would be expected on a holiday or at a wedding or other social event where its generally a given that alcohol will be available but the same supervision wouldn't happen in a home setting to the same extent if alcohol were available. So a very different risk threshold given the very different settings. Plus people tend to hoard alcohol at home (how many of us have a healthy wine rack or spirits in the cupboard) which is more dangerous should a young person decide to utilise it due to lack of supervision and sheer quantity. The dynamics of the settings are totally different. Louise is also not an alcoholic nor from what op has written here would I say that any of her issues are stemming from alcohol. She's traumatised, her situation was very fresh when her misuse of alcohol and paracetamol occurred and presumably she's been being assessed at least weekly since then by SW and more professionals on top of that. Op of course won't know all the details of that nor has she any right to. Julia has been assessed as appropriate and capable to care for her both here and abroad. It's not really for op to judge that. It's for her to decide if she's extending a plus 1 or not.

I would talk to her. Ask her what her plan is for a crisis - does she know the details of who she'd be able to call in an emergency (and you are not an option!), what happens if Louise accesses alcohol etc. It doesn't need to be about whether you think she's responsible, just that it will be a very difficult situation in general and you want to know she has a contingency plan. If you don't feel able to talk to her or she refuses to discuss it, then you have your answer.

the friend asked the SW if it would be ok before posing the question to the bride…..many people would have done this as otherwise it may have been a pointless question to ask the bride if the SW said no…..completely logical thinking, no bullish behaviour or high jacking going on !?!

Can you speak to Julia rather than messaging?

Say you want to iron out some concerns you and DH have, confirm Julia is not going to be drinking and clarify the exact plan with Louise?

If you and DH are ok with her being there on condition Julia doesn’t have any alcohol and until X time (better to start the actual time you would.want them to leave by) - again because of the alcohol and people drinking, then say so and make a clear agreement.

Obviously don’t refer to her as a ‘random child’!

Conveniently missing the small but very relevant matter of Julia telling the child she would be going and getting her excited about the plane trip - before even mentioning it to OP. This wasn’t posing a question. It was presenting OP with a fait accompli. But then your avoidance of the relevant details suggests that you know this.

Where does the Op say Julia told the child?

Nah, fuck that. Bite the bullet and uninvite both. Too much stress, it's YOUR day. If she's such a good foster she will sort out a holiday that doesn't include hijacking someone's fucking wedding!

In one of her early posts:

Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

In the original post - Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

Ok I missed that.

Op can't stop Julia taking the child on holiday. Her only decision is should the child be at the wedding.

I
womder whether Julia has thought about travel insurance for Louise … and what the insurers will say …