To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I for one, can’t see any SW okaying a trip abroad with someone who is not a parent, to a destination wedding with alcohol on tap.

I could see them agreeing to it as long as the girl was being watched by her carer, whom the SW have already deemed responsible enough to look after her

She in theory could be asked to keep an eye on Julia and Louise

That is extremely unfair of you to put your other friend in that position. Julia has shoved her problem onto you but that doesn't mean you can shove it onto an innocent bystander just because you can't say no. She's there to celebrate your wedding, not to be a babysitter to a very troubled and suicidal teen.

You need to grow a backbone OP, or forever regret having a ruined wedding. You can't please everyone all of the time. This is one of them.

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position OP and I really feel for you (whilst also feeling sympathetic towards Julia and Louise). However, I think you've hit on the perfect compromise and I think you just need to respond to Julia's text along the lines of "Yes, of course Louise can come to the wedding, but I would prefer it if the two of you did something together in the evening, instead of coming to the wedding party, as there will be self-service alcohol and I would be very worried how Louise would handle this, particularly if she becomes upset by something else and reacts badly. I hope that's OK."

It's not reasonable for a guest to "assume" it's OK to bring a +1 to a 12-person destination wedding. Julia should have told you as early as possible that she wanted to bring Louise and been open to discuss what could be worked out. She shouldn't made plans and told Louise they were firm without checking with you.

I'd be honest with Julia at this point. You can say that you sympathise with Louise, admire Julia's caring for her, and maybe weren't as honest or clear as you should have been when Julia first mentioned bringing Louise. Tell her your concerns about the small group, the vulnerability of some of the other people attending, the situation with the self-serve alcohol, and your concerns about Louise's reaction to the toddler. (Base these in what she's told you about Louise's fragility; I'd stay away from Julia's past drinking unless she tries to an argue something like she never drinks to excess, etc.) There may be ways to make things easier or calm everyone's concerns - could Julia agree not to drink? Could she agree to take Louise out of the venue, on your or your fiancé's request, if there's any problem? Could Louise leave her mobile behind, if there's history of her becoming upset by random texts?

Ideally, Louise could come along to Malta with Julia and enjoy a nice holiday without attendance at the reception being a dealbreaker. She should be able to understand that it was too late to include one more guest in the reception as it's such a small, catered, highly planned event and should still be able to enjoy the trip. Is there any way another adult (perhaps one of Julia's adult children, or a friend, or another relative of Louise's) could come along on the trip and hang out with Louise on the wedding day and let Julia attend alone? Or is there any kind of service the hotel can provide or recommend that would pick up Louise for the necessary period(s) of time and involve her in some activity that would interest her?

If none of these options work, please don't guilt trip yourself into doing something you can't live with. Your wedding is more important to you, your fiancé, and your families than it will be to Louise. If the only logical solution Julia sees, after you've made your decision and communicated it, is for her to sit out the evening reception (or even the whole trip) that that's what should happen. You ARE already being sufficiently "kind", understanding, compromising, and accommodating by wracking your brains so hard over this. You can't give more than you have to give, either at the expense of your own peace of mind or the well-being of the rest of the people directly involved.

edited

So you don’t think the removal of all alcohol in Julias’ home is in any way linked to the fact that the child has a history of alcohol abuse and tried to commit suicide with alcohol and paracetamol ? I’d bet the farm that social services have no clue that the destination is a wedding with alcohol on tap. Julia’s told them it’s a holiday, and that’s all - and that’s assuming she’s actually told them. I think it’s bullshit.

I'd probably say something along the lines of:

"I'm really sorry Julia, I've been speaking with DP - we feel it's best not to extend the invite to Louisa. We feel that there are too many risks involved. Given the difficulties Louisa has had with alcohol recently, the wedding might be really tough for her. Also, in the worst case scenario that Louisa needs medical help while away, we don't know the level of support she could access.

"I understand if you're unable to come because of our decision. If you and Louisa would be happy to, it would be great to have a small celebration together once me and DP return home."

Louise was drinking (plural) and was hospitalised for drinking to excess and can’t live in a place with alcohol. That might not be a red flag to you but to me is a glaring sign of problems with alcohol. Alcohol is a an addictive toxin that this child already has problems with. Imagine her being faced with alcohol in sight and feeling that she wants a drink. Cue deception or anger. Not fair on the op or Louise. I wouldn’t take a child with alcohol problems to an event with alcohol.

I agree with your suggestion of speaking to Julia and suggesting that they come, but avoid the evening do (surely they could go to a local place for dinner etc). If Julia thinks that Louise will get paranoid she can just say that numbers were fixed ages ago or they don’t let teenagers in?

From your updates, it’s clear that Julia bringing Louise is a really bad idea. It sounds like there could be any number of triggers for her, quite apart from the alcohol.

Given how fragile she is and the very recent turmoil in her life I’m amazed Julia thinks she needs anything other than to be settled in a secure environment.

Taking her abroad to meet a group of strangers at a wedding is risky for everyone, and horribly unrelaxing and distracting for you and your family with important reunions and your poor uncle being so ill … in a tiny gathering.

At this stage I think you have to call Julia and be honest and say it won’t work. Offer to refund her flight if you can.

Quite a lot of teenagers experiment with alcohol and get drunk ( sometimes very drunk) when they don’t know their limits, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are alcoholics and can’t be around alcohol on a rare occasion, especially when their cater is with them

This is a kind way of phrasing it, but this is why things go wrong. This wording has too many ways in which Julia - already a proven cheeky fucker - can get around it. 'I would prefer it' suggests there is an option. Someone as ballsy as Julia could simply respond, "oh that's ok, I'll keep an eye on her". Adding, "I hope that's ok" at the end also gives Julia an option to guilt trip the OP about why it would actually be much better for them both to come to the reception.

I do see your point.

Except per the OP, Julia has form for getting drunk and abdicating the care of her children to others present. What’s to guarantee she won’t lose control and do it again?

(I wonder if the social workers are aware.)

This is perfect. I stand by my last post that if Julia and Louise come they will absolutely turn up at the evening do, expecting to join you all, and there will be drama!

If OP genuinely thinks Julia is not fit to care for Louise then the issue runs a lot deeper than the wedding.

I would just tell Julia that she can’t come to the evening event. Did Julia pay for her own room ? Or are you paying.

Er yes if the child has a drinking problem and the adult in charge has been told to keep her away from alcohol

This is true, but is very unlikely to apply to this particular child. The original post suggests that the child is drinking as a way to cope/block out whatever horrible trauma occurred. She's done this more than once, has drunk so much she needed to be hospitalised and has tried to kill herself with a combination of pills and alcohol. This doesn't sound like an average teenager experimenting with booze at a party with mates.

So...a child coping with trauma, who has self harmed in the past; uses alcohol to cope/escape; recently removed from her home and sister, which she is devastated about, is taken overseas to a completely different environment where she will be expected to behave perfectly at an adult event, where she knows no one except her carer, who may or may not drink in her presence at the very least, or worse, get too drunk to actually look after her...I think even an adult in these circumstances would find it hard not to have a drink...or just find the pressure too much to cope with regardless of whether they drink or not.

OP, YANBU to want a traumatised teen at your wedding. Your friend seems naive as to what fostering can entail. Weddings are boring for teenagers even when they know the couple. A small wedding only exacerbates this.

This is a conversation to have with Julia face to face. Pop round for a cuppa and explain that you can understand her predicament and respect her for what she’s doing but your wedding is special and as much as you’d love her to be there, you can’t extend an invite to Louise. If she doesn’t understand why she’s not a great friend and it would solidify my view that she’s walking into fostering with rose tinted glasses on.

A trip abroad to a sunny climate may be exactly what she needs, being in a different environment might help her (albeit temporarily) to get her out of her head, she will be accompanied by a trusted and approved carer who has been given permission by a SW to take her there

I’m sure she will not be allowed to drink, she will be in the care of a trusted and approved cater and permission has been given by a SW

A trip abroad to a sunny climate may be exactly what she needs, being in a different environment might help her (albeit temporarily) to get her out of her head

She didn’t experiment with alcohol, she has issues around it and was recently hospitalised after a suicide attempt involving paracetamol and drinking to excess. She will be outside of her comfort zone, there will be alcohol easily available and they will have no clue how to access mental health support services if there is a need. And no travel insurance company is going to pay out for an alcohol related hospital admission so if the worst happened it could end up being very costly.

I completely understand why you would not want Louise at the wedding. There is a degree of unpredictability which will make you on tenterhooks but potentially also make the wedding memorable for the wrong reasons.

I also think this is not the right time to take a 13yo with her recent history on a holiday with strangers. She will be feeling self conscious and has a lot to process. She should definitely not be around people who are freely drinking themselves and likely to be inebriated.

However - presumably your friend has paid for their own room and flight. If so, I would find it hard to say your friend cannot come. I would say that I would understand that the friend may want to bring Louise but you do not want her present at events where there is alcohol being served, as you feel this is inappropriate with her recent history.

If you have paid for your friend to come, I would say that I understand Louise must be her priority at present and that actually you think it’s best she doesn’t come to the wedding but looks after Louise.

OP’s wedding isn’t a rehabilitation opportunity for a troubled teen, it’s her wedding !! It’s an intrusion into a carefully planned small and intimate scenario with the potential to ruin it.

Oh, this would just be the opening salvo for me because I would always try to be kind in the first instance and hope Julia would understand the meaning of my text. However, if Julia did respond along those lines I'd reply "No, sorry, I obviously wasn't clear enough. I do not want to spend any part of my wedding day worrying about Louise getting upset or having access to alcohol and I'm sure you wouldn't want that for me either. However, I want you at my wedding and I don't want to spoil the chance of you and Louise having a break for a few days abroad, so I hope you will see this is a good compromise we can agree on."