To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Julia is being really unfair by even asking you, plus all the ‘ooh good job she has a passport’ and ‘ooh the SW said it’ll be fine’ rubbish.

Why is she putting herself and her weekend away in front of a traumatised child who is in need of alcohol-free stability? Poor judgement on her part, more so because she works with children herself.

List all the reasons you’ve listed here, ask her what are her own plans to stay alcohol free given she has already been drinking in front of this girl, and ask what her plans are for if a meltdown occurs. And how is she going to manage this without having any impact on the bride, groom, someone who is terminally ill, and a close relative not seen for ten years?

I honestly can’t believe she even asked you.

I think, wedding aside, this is entirely inappropriate and dangerous.

as adults, we ALL have a duty to consider the welfare of children.

from an outside perspective

it’s not in the child’s best interests

it’s not in her aunts best interests

and it’s not appropriate or in your best interests OP.

to be very honest, a true friend would have said

my priority at this moment OP is this vulnerable child. Given the history and the nature of your wedding, I need to step back.

the fact she is transferring that responsibility to you, to make that decision, makes me think perhaps she should not be primary care at this time.

Yes. I'm from that kind of family. It's not easy and shouldn't be normalised.

You’re not doing it for Louisa, you’re doing it for your best friend.

Be kind.

'Be kind' a phrase that smacks of bullying,blackmail and guilt tripping!

And there it is!

The first "be kind" weaponised into forcing someone into doing something outside of their boundaries

Nice

I think there's a big leap between someone who works with kids and who is not responsible for one getting pissed at a wedding and you assuming that she will do the same at this wedding with a vulnerable child in tow. I work with kids, I've been pissed at weddings and I'm still able to be responsible when I need to be. So in that respect I think you're being unfair to your friend.

I would be inclined to list your concerns to your friend and frame it as worry about Louisa and how difficult she would find it.

I personally would welcome Louisa but I'd want to know that Julia has a plan in place for managing the alcohol and her potentially getting overwhelmed. It could be as simple as Julia not drinking and taking louisa out if she gets upset. I think if it's really important to you that Julia is there then you need to accept louisa in tow.

If your wedding is more important to you than having Julia there or unsettling your friendship (which is a call only you can make) then you need to tell her now she can't bring her. The idea that you've told other people they can't bring their kids is probably the only option that won't result in hurt feelings but tbh given her situation she still may not unsafe.

I do think she should have asked you well before telling Louisa and arranging it all behind the scenes.

I think you're going to have to be rather blunt and say something like, "I'm sorry, Julia, but the environment isn't suitable for Louise. Perhaps she can come for a girly day out with us after we're back."

If Julia thinks you're a bitch for being honest, so be it, but it's crazy to think a wedding where alcohol is freely available is suitable for a traumatised 13 year old who drinks (to excess), self harms and has been separated from her sister. It is not your job to try and 'fix' whatever is wrong in this child's life. By all means offer support for every day stuff, if you are able, but I don't think you are at all unreasonable to say no, she can't attend the wedding. Julia's also been a bit of a CF assuming that she can just add another guest - particularly when it has the potential to go so spectacularly bad - and you'll be fine with it. Just say no.

The child has been left in her care and the SW have obviously no concerns about either of them as otherwise she wouldn’t have given permission to take her abroad

A drink at a lunch doesn’t make her a problem drinker / alcoholic, she has been deemed fit to look after the girl.

The bottom line is the thought of this child with issues being there is already causing you anxiety which will be even worse on the actual day if she attends. The bottom line is you are having a very small intimate wedding and if this teenager fucks up or gets drunk or self harms or kicks off in any way it will ruin your day. It’s YOUR day and there should be no compromise on that and your friend should never have put you in this position. Have a frank and honest conversation with her and if she really is a true friend she will understand.

Please! Weddings are to celebrate a lifetime promise including doing it with your spouse! Sorry to be gross. But enough with the sacrificial language.

Just reposting this as it’s the most sensible and realistic post on the thread. MN is usually all about putting the child first. What Julia is proposing is not that. It’s putting herself first because she wants to go to the wedding at any price, including a complete disregard for the well being of the child she has assumed responsibility for.

Well no. Does the SW know that Julia is following the letter but not the spirit of the rule?

Are you Julia?

Yeah she's pretty much doing it for herself though (which is understandable as it's her wedding).

Be refined.

Fuck that.

If anyone should be doing anything for her best friend and not imposing a trouble teenager on OP’s wedding, it’s Julia.

Don’t be ridiculous! A drink at a lunch ( not in her home) is not going to seen by any SW as harmful to the child, foster caters need to live their lives as-well!?!
It doesn’t make her an unfit carer

Really tricky and either way, you will feel apprehensive re decision.
Sorry that you are all in this situation.

And OP only has Julia’s word that the social worker has given permission, or that they are even aware that the destination is a wedding, where there will be alcohol. The child shouldn’t be anywhere near alcohol, as evidenced by social services insisting that all alcohol be removed from Julia’s home prior to Louise moving in. Personally l think Julia is bullshitting OP to get her own way. She’s manipulative and the answer would be no.

Wedding aside, I am not remotely sure Julia is the right person to care for a vulnerable child. Given she seems unable to even guarantee her safety and well being even in the short term.

Taking a child in this condition to a wedding overseas with a random family with alcohol is just asking for trouble. It’s especially precarious if Julia is also known to drink too much as well.

This child should be kept at home. Allowed to settle into a routine. Seeing her therapist and mental health team. The emphasis needs to be her stability and security. Nothing else should matter.

Tell Julia your wedding can be celebrated another time - for now her priority is Louise. It would worry you terribly if Louise was in a foreign country without support. Be honest, that you don’t think she is well enough to go anywhere. That you will miss your friend, but this is more important.

The fact that Julia was asked to remove all alcohol from her home indicates that the problem is a serious one. I for one, can’t see any SW okaying a trip abroad with someone who is not a parent, to a destination wedding with alcohol on tap.

I feel for you. I’d be so anxious if they both came, I wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy my wedding. And then feel resentful afterwards for not expressing my feelings before the wedding.

If she’s really a good friend, you should be able to just open up about your concerns. Not be a bitch about it, but just express your worries and how it’s been playing on your mind. And that the guest list was finalised long ago, and given how intimate the wedding is, other close family members are also leaving behind people they wanted to bring.

If you feel you can’t be open with her about your feelings, then clearly she’s not such a good friend and it wouldn’t be much of a loss to you if she got the hump.

Just to point out we don't actually know who drank the alcohol at the lunch Julia was at... just that there was a bottle on the table. The other person there could have had a drink and Julia and louisa not had any. And anyway one glass does not make you unfit to parent. I don't see any sw finding that reason to remove a vulnerable child.

Removal of all alcohol from the home is standard for preparing for a foster/formalised kinship placement because young adults especially tend to be unsupervised at times in their own homes. That's very different to being at a restaurant. So I think there's a lack of understanding as to why the alcohol is being removed from Julia's home.

I think you've got over invested in the situation and forgotten your place. Louise isn't your responsibility. It's up to Julia to decide what is best for her. Julia has decided that the best thing for them as a family is to bring Louise with her and that it will do Louise good to come. If you don't want Louise there, then that's your choice, but it's not your place to dress it up as concern for Louise or to be trying to make the decision about what you think is in her best interests. You don't need to be on tenterhooks or hovering over Louise, or supervising her either, she's not yours and Julia decides what's appropriate.

If you really do believe Julia is too incompetent to care effectively for this child then you can make it clear that you won't be taking over supervisory duties on your wedding day, but I would expect her to find that quite offensive.

If this was my best friend op, I would probably say thank you for trying to come to my wedding Julia, under normal circumstances I would have loved to have you with me, you know that, but there is no way Louise can come given the risks.

What can we do to mark my wedding that doesn’t involve any harm coming to Louise?

That is exactly what I would say to my bf. Open, honest and completely understanding her predicament.

No alcohol in the house was the rule, It was never said that the child was an alcoholic, Foster carers need to live their lives as well, I’m sure the SW wouldn’t have an issue with the event as long as the carer was responsible for her and she was in her care / being watched, which there is no evidence that proves she wouldn’t be