To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Julia might not be able to afford another trip.
If she's paid for flights and hotel for this trip playing one extra flight is a different thing to two flights and hotel somewhere completely different.

I feel for you @SmithyCakeJun Julia has put you in an awful position. But your wedding is no place for a vulnerable, traumatised child.

I would say to her you've given it lots of thought, what she's doing for Louise is amazing, and if this were a normal holiday things might be different...
BUT this is your wedding, which isn't an appropriate event or place for a vulnerable child. You want to be relaxed and carefree with your closest friends, and for them (ie Julia) to be able to do that too. It simply won't be possible with you worrying about Louise's wellbeing instead of focusing on the event. Julia should not expect anyone else to take priority on your most special of days. So it's a no. A loving but firm, no.

It’s not a no kids wedding and the girl wouldn’t be her responsibility, she would be her friends responsibility, the bride needs to stress this if she is coming

Wow, that is absolutely so unfair on your friend.

If I got taxed with babysitting two strangers or near strangers who have form for drinking and drunking irresponsibly, after I’d invested time, money and annual leave to have a relaxing time at the wedding, I’d be livid.

Same with the bartenders and venue staff; so unfair to ask them to police Julia and Louise.

This thread is absurd.

OP - you text Julia now saying it isn't appropriate, it would likely be triggering for Louise and would also impact your enjoyment of your day.

If Louise comes you will not enjoy the day, you will be on pins, even if nothing happens the anxiety will be enough to impact your day and you won't get that back.

Everyone's a bleeding heart until they're in the position don't worry about the guilt trips

Given the rejection in the girls life I wouldn't put it past her to run away if she is told no about anything whilst away and then the wedding will be blighted by a missing child.

Are there dietary needs of Louise and Julia as well as no alcohol? Julia/ Louise Crayfish allergy?

It is a 'no people who aren't invited wedding of which Louise is one!' Why does MN struggle so hard with this concept.....
"If your names not down.... you're not getting in!!'

She might be able to swap for another deal if she is with a tour company, or stay in a different part of Malta, or take the flights and stay at the hotel but swerve the wedding, just hand over a card and gift to bride and groom then take a day trip to one of the many lovely places in Malta/Gozo.

It’s a no-unrelated, unstable kids wedding. The toddler probably isn’t going to raid the booze or develop a mental health crisis.

The responsibility of someone who has form for getting drink whilst responsible for children.

OP can stress it as much as she likes, that doesn’t mean that Julia will actually be able/willing to do what OP needs her to if it comes down to it.

I’m closer to my best friend than I am my sister…

You're trying too hard with that joke.

I think you’d be mad to let her come, even if you ask them to skip the reception

Sorry, but so do I

Even if they stay in their room during the evening, who will Julia try to involve if major problems crop up with Louise, and in a strange country at that?
It won't be the hotel reception that's for sure ...

Then perhaps Julia should not have mentioned the wedding. That’s hardly OP’s problem or responsibility.

The friend just posed the question to the bride and she needs to respond, no harm in asking the question considering the situation she is in!!!!

The fact you said that validates it 😂

Bingo.

Another one in this camp

You're bonkers to even consider it.

Say no, it's not your problem

I'd be worried that Julia will drink and not watch Louise. There's so much that could happen here reading all your updates. I think you need to go with I'm sorry it's a small event and I understand if you can't come now Julia but it's not suitable for Louise to come.

Where did she say that her friend had form for getting drunk whilst looking after children?!?

In a very traditional family the best man and maid of honour are expected to be tasked with looking after this kind of thing. Ideally they don't have to sort out fist fights, murder, fainting, major wine spills on the wedding dress, outbreaks of adultery amongst the guests, and so on. Duels.

In contemporary weddings I guess people go to relax and celebrate without needing to be primed to step up.

It's tricky isn't it as you want Julia there and obviously have compassion for what the niece has been through, but ultimately it's your wedding and you have other commitments @SmithyCakeJun

Read all the OP's posts. Sounds like a problem drinker looking after a teen with a drink problem. OP says the social worker told Julia not to have any alcohol in the house --but there's a photo of Julia out to lunch with Louise and an open bottle of wine on the table. Nobody responsible does this after that kind of convo with a SW! Not while the child is still so fragile!

I've been in these roles

Had it needed to expand to ensuring a very mentally ill, unstable, vulnerable child completely unknown and unrelated to the bride and groom was kept safeguarded and not a danger to themselves or others I'd have politely told anyone who asked to fuck off.