To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I don’t feel it’s my place to say but based on what she’s been through, it’s perfectly understandable why this poor girl is so hurt. I genuinely do feel for her but I’m just on edge

Of course!! Louise having a 'once in a life time experience' is what the weddings all about!!! I can't understand why so many people can't see that! I mean mn is batshit about people's weddings at times and telling the bride and groom how shitty and selfish they are for doing things they like at their own wedding, but this thread takes the biscuit for the twats berating and guilt tripping @SmithyCakeJun for not prioritising a random teenager! ( and yes, she is a random to op!)

This.

You are an adult. It is your wedding. I just don't understand in this day and age how some women are unable to express their own needs clearly to others. Especially to those who have shown no consideration to their feelings.

It's not selfish to put yourself first. It's self respect.

I understand why you don't want the niece there. I wouldn't want the niece there if I was in your situation either, fully understand you want a more private wedding. If it was a massive wedding then I'd be happy to have her there.

The only thing I can think of is "I'm sorry however neither me or husband to be feel comfortable having your niece at the wedding due to alcohol being present and we don't want it to trigger her" or worded somewhat different.

So she and Julia are going to sit in their room listening to the laughter and music and merriment float up from the evening wedding do in the courtyard?

What if Julia figures Louise is asleep and it can’t hurt to nip down for a glass of prosecco?

She's not random, she's a girl under the guardianship of OPs best friend and indeed OP knows a lot about her troubled background. If she was random she would arrive unannounced at the wedding venue having been kidnapped from the streets of Seville in a wicker basket, when all she was doing was admiring an orange tree.

Fair point. I guess I was thinking they’d have a girly night or something. I’m completely lost tbh.

If Julia is a person who blackmails her friend around her wedding, wont be friends with someone if they don't kowtow to her, and give in to her demands..... doubt she'll be missed!
Sorry Smithy, your wedding was ruined, but me and Louise got what we wanted, which everyone knows is all that matters!! 🙄

You will be just as married the next day with or without Julia.

Is it fair to your other guests to take the risk?

I have 1 other close friend who will be there who knows Julia but isn’t particularly close to her, they only socialise due to me if that makes sense. She in theory could be asked to keep an eye on Julia and Louise but I don’t know if that’s fair on her. But she will be there alone not knowing anybody other than me and Julia, so maybe she’d hover around them anyway

Just for further context, 12 wedding guests is not including me and fiancé.

4 of my family members, 4 of fiancé’s. Fiancé’s 2 best mates, then Julia and my other friend.

Dinner will be me and my partner sat together. Then his group on one table, my group on another. All very close to each other.

Don't do it, I'd put money on Julia agreeing not coming to the evening, then her and Louise turning up.... all sad eyes...
"But she's come all this waaaaay!! 😭😭😭😭 she just wants to join in! 😭😭😭😭 she's feels sooo excluded!!! 😭😭'
@SmithyCakeJun look at all the shitty guilt tripping you've had on here, it'll be a thousand times worse when Julia and Louise are stood in front of you.at the venue with wobbly lips and tear filled eyes!!

I think that’s on Julia though for bringing someone you haven’t invited.

For a big wedding it would be fine, but for a small wedding of 12 people, anything that draws attention to Louise/Julia will be noticeable and potential ruin the feel of the wedding. It’s just not worth the risk.

Can you ask Julia to stay sober at the wedding as a compromise? Make sure there are nice alternative drinks, and let bar staff and best man etc know that Julia as well as Louise must not access alcohol. Explain that it's a safeguarding measure and that you expect she would have offered to stay sober anyway but you want to be absolutely clear about the need for risk management and that Julia needs to research a coherent plan for crisis which she will also share with best man and maid of honour? Ask what travel and health insurance they have too. It may well be a wonderful moment for Louise. Being turned down is how it'll feel to her if she can't go. And that by the way is Julia's fault. Honestly someone needs to have a word with this woman about the child's best interests.

She's a random to the bride and groom, that's enough.

If Louise has several recent admissions, I wouldn't be confident she could get travel insurance.

No, it isn’t 😂

And yes, OP’s wedding isn’t a once in a lifetime experience for OP and her groom, it’s a once in a lifetime for Louise. How dare OP make Louise’s experience about her wedding. FOH!

Op who will the other friend sit with if Julia isn't there?

I get the concerns but I think you need to speak with Julia and tell her what you are worried about.

How old is the other child who will be at the wedding? Would Louise and them be company for each other.

I'm assuming at the moment Louise doesn't know about the holiday or the wedding, even if the SW know?

To be honest the text assumption that she could just bring Louise along would have pissed me off sufficiently to address it.

If Julia can afford the trip, why not have her tell Louise that your family's closeness and vulnerabilities (ill uncle) mean you can't change the guest list? And help Julia research somewhere else very far away to take Louise on holiday. Copenhagen?

You do realise if you know about the connection someone has to someone you know, and the background of that person they are not "random" right? Remind me not to ask you to take away 2 random answers from when I go 50:50 on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

yanbu. Just say no, but dont be supprised if the friend doesnt come either.

Good heavens no you do not leave another child to be 'company' for a traumatised child at a stressful if lovely occasion in a strange place. Or ever.

@Needspaceforlego he's the grooms 4 yo nephew. And it would be staggeringly inappropriate for another teen if that had been their age to take on responsibility for Louise's actions and well being.

I think you’d be mad to let her come, even if you ask them to skip the reception. It’s not a compromise to you and your fiancé, it’s just giving in and sacrificing the peaceful happy weekend with your families you’ve saved up for and enjoyed looking forward to.

Julia’s been selfish and manipulative to assume she can bring Louise and tbh if she kicks off or ends the friendship when you say no you won’t have lost as much as you think.