To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

The other child is family and was invited. Louise is not.

I would be very unhappy in your friend bringing her niece, in fact, I think shes quite selfish.
She's not thinking of you and she's definitely not thinking of her niece.
I can't believe people are comparing your nephew to your friends niece! A small intimate wedding should only include people who you want invited, hopefully you only get married once, do it the way you want. It's nearly only the time you get to do what you want! Your friend shouldn't be putting this on you. Send the text.

Could Julia bring another adult too to look after her while she’s at your wedding?

There is a world of difference between a close family member and a teenager op has never met in crisis! Surely some of these posts are just a wind up at this point!

The reality is all these posters giving you a hard time would 100% NOT want a random teenager they’ve never met at their small intimate wedding - just on that basis alone. To add to that the girl is from an unstable home, hospitalised due to alcohol, mentally unstable, self harming and a recent suicide attempt. None of that is any of the OPs problem and should not be anything she has to think about on her wedding period.

if I was you I would say something along the lines of ‘I've thought long and hard about this and I hope you can understand that we’ve decided Louise won’t be able to come to the wedding. This is a very intimate celebration with close friends and family, and given everything Louise is currently going through — with her home challenges and mental wellbeing — we feel it wouldn’t be the right environment for her nor for us. Whilst some might feel a holiday would be good for her, for me having a stranger attend my wedding at the best of times wouldn’t be something I want but given the circumstances it’s just not something I can agree to’.

I hope you are able to put yourself and your wedding first and not feel guilty for this

So Julia needs adult supervision as well …

I think you should say no, or agree some very clear conditions with Julia first. The way she asked you was quite cheeky and manipulative and guilt-trippy, so she’s most likely already anticipated you saying no and tried to make it harder for you to do that. This is a tiny wedding, and this girl sounds like a ticking time bomb. Even if it all goes off without a hitch and both of them behave perfectly, you’ll be worrying about them the whole time instead of enjoying your wedding.

But I think saying no by text could be really hurtful and damage your friendship, so I’d tell her you want to talk to her about it, and then be honest about the evening set-up and your worries, and then agree with her that if they come they will both skip the evening do.

Because I’m torn and I’m trying to think it over

You don't want Louise to attend. You would be resentful if she brought her. So say no.

Nothing else here is really relevant.

Just talk to her.

This is your once in a lifetime wedding and you have no relationship with this troubled child.

The child won't know anyone and will be out of her depth and may attention seek causing all kinds of problems.

Be firm and say no the child is not invited.

Extactly, why should this teenager who has experienced so much trauma in her short life and who is under the guardianship of the best friend of OP get to travel with her guardian and for a possibly once in a lifetime experience. It's not like OP has never met any of the other guests.

Sounds like you have made your mind up, so you need to tell Julia asap if the wedding is in 2 weeks!!!!!

I’m leaning toward saying Louise can come but that I can’t have her at the evening party. I think that may be the only way to keep my friendship with Julia. She adores Louise and is so protective of her, understandably.

will be hard to do it in person though as we’re both tied up with Easter now and Louise won’t be back at school until the 28th, and we travel on the following Friday

I’d let her come if you want Julia there because I don’t think there’s a way of saying no without it causing an issue with your friend.

You should explain your worries to Julia and make it very clear that she needs to keep close to Louise and fully supervise her because of the booze and other factors.
Say you’re happy to have her there as long as any issues or difficult behaviour is managed quickly so it doesn’t cause issues for everyone else.

What’s happened to Louise that she’s been drinking alcohol at the age of 13 and ended up hospitalised it’s sounds absolutely awful. She’s still a child and shouldn’t be unsupervised considering her recent trauma. I would let her come especially as Julia has made it clear she will pay for her. I think she’s been through to much as a child to be left alone whilst Julia is at the wedding

Initially I thought you were being a bit unfair but having read all your posts and what is probably snap shots of Louise's situation I can see where you're coming from.
Sadly I think you have to be realistic and talk frankly to your friend about your concerns. It's really unfair of her to put you in this position on what should be the happiest of times for you and your family. The poor girl sounds unstable and as you say, traumatised but frankly it's really not your problem.
I hope you make the best decision for you and enjoy your wedding day.

But also,. personally, if I was Julia, I'd be reassessing my friendship with you as it's clear that you are both now on different paths.

I think it was a mistake for OP to ask if the child was cleared by social services to attend as it's none

of her business. All OP needed to say when friend asked if the child could attend was, No, I'm sorry.
If pressed, This is our special day and I am concerned the child has challenges we won't be able to accommodate and we don't want to risk it.
Friend persists or offers assurances, Anything could happen. Please understand we have to say, No.
If friend says she can't come now, We understand. We'll miss you, but we absolutely understand you need to be with her.

There will literally be another child there who you have never met at your intimate wedding. I'm sorry but given that it's unacceptable for you not to invite Louise. Poor show OP.

This is one of the maddest things I've read on here, and there's been stiff competition over the years.

I’m leaning toward saying Louise can come but that I can’t have her at the evening party. I think that may be the only way to keep my friendship with Julia. She adores Louise and is so protective of her, understandably.

OP honestly I think you need to rescind her invitation if you don't want your wedding wrecked. I know it'll be sad to lose a friend, but she sounds selfish and irresponsible anyway.

Surely it's much safer to have Louise and Julia together at the evening do? Otherwise, Louise will have reason to feel left out, and unsupervised will have opportunity to self-harm.

Is Julia am appropriate person to have care of Louise in general, if she's already been out for a boozy lunch with her and is a sloppy drinker?

I agree with this, the question alone suggests this is the only barrier that OP has to her coming and having asked it and been given a good response, the implication is there is no further issue. It's too late to say no to Louise now.

This. Has Julia bothered to research any contingency plans and resources for emergency? Do you really want your wedding marred by a drunken binge or meltdown or god forbid suicide attempts?

You're not alone, TiredCatLady, but I'd been a bit hesitant about mentioning it

And it's not as if OP could ring them to check, since quite rightly they won't discuss such issues except with the child's caregivers

Travel insurance won’t cover most alcohol related hospitalisations regardless of whether there is a past history of alcohol abuse

Edited to add I'd forgotten that but you're quite right, @Tootiredtowhat; policies do indeed exclude alcohol-related incidents

she has been known to get very drunk and starts acting daft and has to be taken off to bed.

OP you don’t seem to trust Julia to behave properly at your dream wedding, let alone her troubled niece. Or maybe you won’t mind her getting very drunk, acting daft and having to be taken to bed?

It seems that Julia has taken advantage and assumed that Louise would be welcome. Louise is looking forward to it and the Social worker sees it as a positive.

I fear that denying Louise the invitation which had been taken for granted, in this special circumstance and at this late stage, may be very damaging to her.

So I think that you have to make it very clear to Julia that this not a situation you would have chosen at all given Louise’s misuse of alcohol in her recent past, but since Louise is now expecting to come, you will make her welcome but only as long as she behaves as a perfect guest. Spell your expectations out to Julia so that there is no room for error. Louise doesn’t drink alcohol at all as she is underage and in order to discourage her, Julia must act super responsibly and not drink either, demonstrating how to celebrate a great occasion without alcohol as a stimulant. Let her know that she must be accountable for her niece’s behaviour at every step and you will be devastated if anything goes wrong - as you have refused invitations to others who would normally have been much higher up your guest list.
Not having to worry about potential evening dramas is good idea OP.