To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Whether you are willing to have her at your wedding or not this is not 'some random child'. This is your best friends niece who has been through significant trauma.

Shes not a random child though is she, shes your best friends foster child

She’s not asking. She’s telling and manipulating the situation into a fait accompli. No way should be be putting op in this situation. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. And it isn’t a holiday. It’s an intimate wedding with long lost family and a terminally ill uncle.

Looking at it from the perspective of the traumatised child, there is no way Louise should be anywhere near such an emotional event. It is going to be traumatic and there is alcohol on tap.

You will also have to be careful of the 4 year old op. Kids this age can and will serve themselves a drink

Yanbu at all. I do not understand why you think yiu are.

This is not a wedding for 100 guests and 1 extra wouldn't be an issue.

It's an intimate family wedding of 12people.

I think you are getting over concerned about louise drinking issues etc. None of that is really relevant. There are 12 people at your wedding. You don't want a stranger there as number 13. Even a perfect wonderful teen . Her issues and behaviour are not the issue.

Youneed to be firm. Reply to Julia. No that isn't OK. It's just 12 people. As others have said much more eloquently.

Just send the text. End this ludicrous worrying on your part. Close the issue

But that was your sister. I'd have my sister at my wedding no matter what her issues.

This is totally different.

I'm sure your wedding had more than 12 guests too

Travel insurance won’t cover most alcohol related hospitalisations regardless of whether there is a past history of alcohol abuse.

You will not be able to relax or enjoy your wedding day, knowing it can go tits up in the worst way. The worst may not happen but you won't enjoy your day. God forbid the worst did happen you will never be able to look back with fond memories, just isn't worth the risk. It isn't your responsibility and your friend should not have put you in this position.
I have seen many events/weddings ruined by alcohol because problem drinkers cannot say no or stop at one drink. It's not a lot to ask that you get the wedding you planned.

If I was your best friend I’d be ditching the wedding sorry. A child is in need and she’s agreed to take on her care. It doesn’t sound like a wedding abroad is appropriate for a young suicidal teen and her priority should be doing what’s best for her and only this.

Decline to invite her but your best friend shouldn’t be going anyway frankly. The child comes first.

The problem is that if you say no, it’s probably the end of the friendship and you need to weigh that up. I would have a chat with her and see what her plans are regarding Louise and how to manage the wedding, you’ll either feel reassured or she’ll realise it’s not a good idea. She may well have already decided to stay sober, leave phones upstairs, take Louise off or out if she’s not having a good day or needs a moment, but you don’t know if you don’t talk to her.

I think you either have to say no, accept that Julia won't ge coming, and your friendship maybe dented. Or you call her, say you are a bit aprehensive and wanted to discuss it in more detail. I can see you are having a very small wedding, and therefore another guest will be more conspicuous. However I think if your friend agrees to supervise her, it would be difficult to say no.

I think having Louise there would potentially change the whole dynamic of the wedding, i'd be on edge wondering what would set her off. Will she kick off if she isn't getting enough attention etc since you'll want to focus on your family and meeting your nephew rather than spending a lot of time talking with Louise.

I think your friend is an idiot to have told Louise about the holiday when it wasn't sorted.

I wouldn't want this child at my wedding and if it meant my best friend couldn't be there, then so be it.

There's also the fact that you're not going to be worried about a 4 yr old raiding the bar.

I would message Julia with your concerns. If you are frank, she will understand your worries and you can position it in a kind of "on your own head be it" way so that Julia feels responsible for how Louise. behaves.

Something like:

"Hey Julia

I have been really struggling since you mentioned Louise coming to the wedding. On one hand I want to be kind and supportive, but on the other hand, you must understand that with SUCH a tiny and intimate guest list, any fallout from Louise being there and having a moment - whether alcohol, emtional, family or anything else related - will completely overtake events and i am already imaging a scenario where you have (understandably) had a few drinks and I am left on alert, keeping half an eye on Louise, and I really don't want to have to do that.

I am undecided as to how to make this work. Do you have any thoughts or ideas that might reassure me that it can work ok? I obviously want you to feel comfortable and welcome but this is a real concern for me.

Love Smithy x"

OP you’ve addressed the point about the nephew but not why you can’t just talk to your friend about this?

As a psychotherapist your friend is crazy to even consider coming to your wedding. Taking a young suicidal teen to a wedding abroad who has had numerous mental health crises recently? With open access to alcohol? Where you don’t know you’re surrounding and would have NO CLUE ABOUT HOW/WHERE TO ACCESS CRISIS MH SERVICES ABROAD? Anything could happen.

shes rightly chosen to care for this child and she has no option but to put her needs first. Absolutely unbelievable. Poor girls needs stability and somewhere safe and familiar with access to crisis services should she need them!

Can you have a serious conversation about your concerns about her drinking. I thinknI would in this situation.

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time.

Given your concerns I think you have to say no, otherwise the next two weeks are going to be hell for you and ruin the excitement of the run up to the wedding.

I think Julia was well out of order for talking to SS and Louise and building it up before she even mentioned it to you. And she didn't even really ask. In Ancient Rome they had two ways of asking a question, one way if you expected the answer to be yes and another for no. That's what she's done. She is not expecting you to say no, and has done it in such a way that she's really put you on the spot that there's no way to deal with this that isn't going to make you feel bad one way or the other.

For a teen, how is a formal occasion with people she hardly knows actually enjoyable or a good use of money? Even if it wasn't your wedding it's a bad idea.

Even without any issue and if she gets on with people, its very unlikely she'll form any bonds, most small event chat is very "in-jokes" and boring to outsiders.

I'm a confident adult solo woman who is good at small talk, I'd absolutely refuse to spend time at the small wedding of people tangentially connected to me 😬

It's not like a 90s film where transformative connections take place at weddings. It normally is just awkward and anxiety inducing.

Surely the flights money will be a lot better spent on something the child actually enjoys or which improves her confidence and social options

(new wardrobe? Tutoring or a new hobby? A different holiday or a weekend exploring a new city?).

You really don't need to explain this. Some people just can't fathom that some families are spread out across the globe.

This is akin to a drip feed in my opinion. There will literally be another child there who you have never met at your intimate wedding. I'm sorry but given that it's unacceptable for you not to invite Louise. Poor show OP.

It will be hard without sounding like a bitch - because your friend set it up that way. She shouldnt assume and shouldnt tell the girl before discussing it with you. Hope you'll find the right wording.

Just tell her it isn't appropriate to bring her to such an intimate family occasion.

Julia can always take her away somewhere else, she needn't lose out.

Bit torn on this. Obviously you want to be kind to the niece but it has the potential to go wrong. Talk to Julia.

Respectfully, it's not OP's problem. OP has a small guest list of 12, carefully chosen. Julia should never have told Louise she'd be coming BEFORE actually asking the bride. She didn't even ASK the bride either, she TOLD HER. I'd uninvite Julia after that.

You need to be blunt. 'I am sorry but we have planned this wedding for so long and it means a great deal to me, I really don't want anything to go wrong so no I am afraid I am not okay with Louise attending. If that means that you also cannot come then I understand."