To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

And the only other person to do this is not one Op has full confidence in. Not one other person there will have any interest in watching this child like a hawk

I’m just giving an alternative perspective. Yes OP doesn’t have confidence in her friend, even though socials services do and she hasn’t asked her friend about any of this and has just made assumptions.

The only way you'll be able to relax is by Louise not coming. You need an honest chat with your friend. I wouldn't start saying you can come to this bit, but not the evening bit etc, as I'm sure with a vulnerable child like that anything could trigger her, not just the alcohol around her. What if something happened on the morning of your wedding? You should have the wedding you have planned for.

Can’t believe the poster implying that I’m a hypocrite for wanting DH’s nephew who we’ve not previously met at the wedding but not Julia’s niece. That’s insane.

The nephew is 4 years old and never meeting him has always been sad for us. Fiancé is not British and his sister moved 10 years ago to the other side of the world (separate from their home country) to be with her partner. Due to various financial and visa eligibility issues, this is the first time we will meet her little boy and the first time I will meet the sister. It’s a big deal and she’ll be returning to the UK with us for a bit after the wedding. She’s fought tooth and nail to make it. Fiancé’s mum who lives in the UK will also be seeing her daughter for the first time in 10 years and meeting her grandson for the first time.

My uncle has cancer and whilst he is well currently, the long-term prognosis is not good. I’m so happy that he is going to make it to the wedding.

This is what I mean about it being really intimate family time.

Thank you.

And what about hospital bills? I have no idea what the Maltese rules are.

The OP said her family is not rich, but it wouldn’t be their expense anyway. Does the friend have enough money to chuck a few grand at a problem whenever necessary?

I really do not understand some of the replies! Of course, it is a massive imposition to bring a child to a small no kids wedding and that is without all of the horrendous scenarios that are likely to happen. This is OP's wedding, it is absolutely not selfish of her to want to have a happy, stress-free day. I would say to your friend who is absolutely tone deaf that you do not want this added responsibility on your special day.

It’s not a no kids wedding, the nephew is 4 and is coming, so you can’t throw that into the mix.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about your concerns, make clear that alcohol will be available and your friend will need to stay sober and constantly supervise.

So what you are saying is there will categorically be a kid there you don’t know already? Sorry but actually that does make you seem awful.

My fiancé’s 4 year old nephew born abroad who he hasn’t been able to meet yet which has been saddening for the whole family__. We cannot wait to meet him and are so excited to have him at our wedding. We are similarly over the moon that his sister will be there who my fiancé hasn’t seen for years

Not just a small child. A relative. Not the same thing at all. The OP is being totally reasonable.

A child that the OP herself is actually related to. Even in much larger weddings it's not unusual for there to be no children other than close family, ie those who would have been invited in their own right if they had been adults.

Could they take another person with them who would spend the time with the child while your friend attends your wedding?

Yes she can. The nephew is family, Louise is not. And the nephew doesn’t come with the risk of derailment of the wedding attached to Louise.

@SmithyCakeJun - you don’t sound awful at all. This is your wedding day and a great deal of thought and care has gone into it.

This sounds like an incredibly tricky situation. I think your fiancé’s suggestion sounds good if your friend can get on board with it.

This

Please don’t feel obligated to pander to these people op. It sounds like a real intimate wedding and the attendees have a personal connection with you. It is really REALLY inappropriate that your friend knew this and put you in this position.

even if nothing happens, you would have spent the entire day worried and anxious. Why set yourself up this way.

And yes she is a random child to YOU, everyone there has a connection. You also don’t need to justify to anyone about your nephew being there - they are not on the same level to be compared.

I don’t think I should have had to explain the situation with the nephew to justify why I want him there and not Julia’s niece. Surely “He’s a family member who is much wanted at our wedding” is enough?

I think it's absolutely OK not to have her at your wedding, it's a small and intimate group, and a disturbed child is not a good addition to the mix.

Your friend should not have told her that she'd be going on holiday and to a wedding - I think she was forcing your hand.

I think at this stage that your friend needs to bring somone with her to watch her neice - one of her adult children, another aunt or uncle or a grandparent.

Having the child at the wedding and reception would be boring for her and really stressful for you.

Sorry this has been dumped on you, hope you have a wonderful wedding.

No… you can’t use the no kids argument if kids are coming, in the same way you can’t use a non giraffes argument if giraffes are coming.

She can say only close friends and family know to the bride and groom, that’s different.

Although of the course the child is the niece of Louise. Also no one seems to have thought that the last thing Louise would want to do is to derail her best friend’s wedding and has probably already weighed up the pros and cons, and as we know asked social services about the prospect.

The bride just needs to have a proper conversation with Louise.

Social services trusted this women to remove all alcohol from her house and take care of a traumatised teenager who has issues using alcohol to manage her trauma.

Slightly different to a Mum having a few too many at a family event so Dad/Aunty Betty/Granny ends up supervising the kids.

I’m sure Julia is very aware of how high the stakes are here. This isn’t getting a bit wobbly at a 40th birthday party and family end up keeping an eye on her kids. This is a traumatised teenager, placed in her care by social services, in a foreign country where she knows no one except Julia and it’s a small wedding.

Also this.
What is Julia supposed to do? She doesn't want to let Louise down.

OP, how would you feel if Julia had instead said “Sorry, as I’m assuming Louise isn’t invited, I’ll no longer be able to come”?
if my best friend couldn’t attend my wedding I would be devastated.

I think Julia should understand your worries

a self service /fully inclusive bar is going to be a huge risk

could they both come to the wedding and then

1. both go to room and miss evening
2. Louise goes up to room after the wedding service and get a babysitter to stay with her so make sure she stays in room /stays off booze

I think given the issues with alcohol and vulnerability, offer Julia the "attend everything but not the evening do" option... if she kicks off or pushes back on that then she isn't a) a real friend or b) prioritising Louise's needs and that confirms your worries anyway so win win