To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Are you sure? Because I have been known to drink too much in the past and be put to bed but no way in hell would I drink in this scenario. I think you’re not giving her any credit - she clearly cares deeply for this girl.

Are there any circumstances under which woman are actually allowed to prioritise themselves? It’s her wedding, for goodness sake, she’s allowed not to put her friend first for the day.

I think you either say she’s fine to come, or you accept your best friend won’t be there. Your poor friend is in an incredibly difficult position after doing something extremely kind hearted. Also if she’s genuinely your best friend, surely you could pick up the phone and talk to her about your concerns and then you can both reach a decision together after that?

No. She shouldn’t have told her niece she would be going to the wedding before checking with the OP.

If she cared so deeply for this child, she would honour her responsibilities towards her and keep both of them at home. That would mean the child is under strict supervision at all times to keep her from the drinks cabinet and other things which might tempt her to self harm.

THAT is the right thing to do. You don't take on such a big responsibility and then take the child into the eye of the storm.

Wait - you don’t want to spend time making small talk with someone you don’t know yet you’ll invite a nephew you don’t know?? Seems a bit hypocritical. I don’t think your friend has much choice, she can’t exactly leave her with someone else, so it depends how much you really want her there.

julia is doing a good thing but she’s ridiculous to think it would not affect her lifestyle or social opportunities.

To any rational person, the onus was on her to back out, not transfer the burden and stress to OP.

Just because they've never met the nephew doesn't mean they don't know him. There's a difference.

No, that's not what these posts were about. They were about the expense that the Friend has already had for HER flight and HER accommodation and the poster was saying she should have checked with the bride before paying for them,

Was she supposed to be clairvoyant and no that she would be fostering her teenage niece????

The child is nothing to do with OP. Not family and they have never met. Entirely different from family being invited. How is it hypocritical not to want a traumatised, unpredictable and volatile child at your wedding when it has the potential to derail the whole thing. No, the friend doesn’t have much choice, and that’s how it should be. Since she accepted the wedding invitation things have changed and she has responsibilities she didn’t have before. The right decision would have been to not go, and therefore put the childs’ well being first.

Sorry 😔 I can’t see social services having cleared this at all!

Someone who isn’t a parent suddenly taking her out of the country. After she’s been hospitalised. Really?!?

No, neither can I. I smell bullshit and posters aren’t thinking this through. The child is traumatised, has attempted suicide with a mix of alcohol and paracetamol and yet supposedly social services think the trip will be good for her. Either Julia hasn’t told them the whole story or it’s all bullshit. I get the distinct impression that the priority for Julia is attending the wedding, not the well being of her niece.

However she only has 2 options available now, pull out on your advice and lose money, or she comes with the vulnerable little girl and you embrace them.

Third option is that Julia takes Louise for a holiday/short break without imposing themselves on OP's special day.

The world does not revolve around them.

Ok, crossed purposes. The point only mentioned telling SS, not Louise.

The wedding sounds a bit stressful all round with all the other guests and their needs. But Julia is a very close friend. She is in loco parentis of Louise. This has to be discussed and handled sensitively, not just tossed off with a 'no', it's my day. If that means OP making a decision that she can't go then fine but a conversation needs to be had. Louise is Julia's family responsibility now.

It's going to be too stressful if Louise comes, even if she doesn't come anywhere near your wedding and stays in their room. From what you've written, it's the whole time that you/other wedding party members would be watching and worrying about if Julia was parenting properly.
Of course social worker said it's a good idea. The alternative is finding short-term foster care over a long weekend for Louise. And I say that as someone who works with vulnerable children and has a lot of time for the fostering system and social workers who support vulnerable children.
Deep breath and say 'actually, no, it isn't suitable for you to bring her along with you to the wedding because hotel alcohol arrangements.' I think the hotel wouldn't have agreed to a self serve bar if under-age guests had been coming.
Who was Julia bringing before Louise was living with her? The ideal would be that Louise comes with another sensible adult who stays with her during the wedding but also is able to be a responsible adult in charge of her if Julia does have a few too many.

It's your day, not hers, it's meant to be the happiest day of your life. You don't want to be worrying if your best friend and self harming foster kid are getting pissed. Their feelings are not your priority or your problem. Say no, she can still take her on a little holiday, just not to your wedding.It was unfair of her to ask in the first place.

Surely the alcohol is the get out clause for you here? She won't be safe.

And especially when the entitled demand has only landed today. A hard no @SmithyCakeJun ! Very much stick to 'no additional plus ones, we've had to exclude so many people friends and family -actually-- who are so close to us'.

I’d ignore the virtue signallers on here, who are not themselves in this awful situation. Talk is cheap.

If there is ONE day in a woman’s life where she can say ‘Sod everybody else, this day is all about ME’, it’s her wedding day.

Unless the chances of this poor girl shouting at guests, becoming drunk, self-harming, or even attempting suicide, are absolute zero, it has to be, sadly, a no. Are the chances of that happening zero?

Imagine the drama: Emergency services, Police, hospitalisation, interviews by Maltese social services, staying on for days awaiting hospital discharge, buying new flights home. Wedding ruined. For everybody.

Unless this scenario is deemed completely impossible, it is your friend who is ‘being unreasonable’ not to have thought everything through. Someone who is known to have got so pissed she can’t look after her own children at times is not a paragon of responsibility. The correct response would have been to decline to attend.

If it happens that they do come, I would certainly insist that neither attend the reception.

Is it only the reception that the child might melt down at though?
I know it's the most high-pressure one, as it involves alcohol, but she sounds very troubled; just being in a strange place, with people she doesn't know, in a large-ish group, with strange food etc, might be difficult for her.

Well said, @IridiumSky

I am envisioning OP and her family down the police station or A&E.

My sister was a drug and alcohol addict who had tempted suicide seven times in the recent past. She came to my wedding, she was fine, there was someone monitoring her behaviour. The world didn’t end. Just for people to see it from the other side.

Does she even have a passport?

It’s a tiny amount of people so any upset will just completely overshadow the day. I would just say that you really cannot accommodate an additional person and you understand if she will have to turn this down. You really don’t want your wedding day being spent worrying about this and feeling anxiety the entire time.
you have some scenarios to consider

1. They come and things turn badly and your wedding day is ruined
2. You spend the entire day worrying and watching them and then at the end of the day you feel upset that nothing has happened and you wasted your day/ something happened and it’s ruined anyway
3. Really don’t budge at the numbers and say it has to be 12 as you have declined many other close family members/kids

dont be guilted into doing something that will cause you so much anxiety on your wedding day. Any other occasion I would say just accept it, but this is a pretty big one to chance it being ruined.

But did she come to her foster mother's friend's wedding in another country? No, thought not.