To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

You are being very over-dramatic. OP is worried about Louise being around alcohol at the evening do. OP has said:

'Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.'

As part of the requirements for Julia being able to foster Louise, Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in her home. As alcohol will be flowing freely at the evening do, there is the potential for Louise to drink alcohol, particularly if Julia is drinking herself and is less vigilant.

How do you know how any of us act in real life? You got no clue. Personally I had a bunch of random people at my wedding including a v unstable distant aunt of my husband’s and a bunch of indeed random kids. I spent the day before my wedding dealing w a fall out between two of my friends both attending the wedding. Was it ideal? No. Did I think my friends were “shits” for going through their own stuff and not being able to put it completely on hold for my wedding, or the aunt for being mentally ill or the random kids for being involved in various family situations which meant they had to be there? No.

because I know that life isn’t ideal and that if you’re a decent person you consider others - even at your wedding. Even today people talk about my wedding and how fun and surprising and loving it was. It was very very far from perfect but it was full of love.

I think you are going to have to say no because if you say yes with boundaries those will get ignored once you are there, it's inevitable.

Send her a message: Hi Julia, I've been thinking about my wedding and I'm really sorry but I don't think it's appropriate for Louise to come. We have a free open self service bar and I think that's just not appropriate for her given the difficulties she's been having. I know this makes things difficult for you and I'm sorry. I would still love for you to come, if you can find childcare for Louise. Love you loads xx"

And don't budge on it, don't discuss it, just reiterate the no in a kind way.

It’ll be difficult but you have to do the best thing for your wedding plans and Louise. Which is that you have to be the one to say it’s actually not appropriate for Louise to attend.
it wouldn’t be a safe environment for her with the free reign access to alcohol when she is a child with trauma and issues with alcohol.

it can’t be guaranteed that she won’t be able to sneak a drink and therefore she can’t attend. If Julia says she’ll be watching her the entire time, you have to say that you also don’t want the stress of worrying about Louise (you don’t say that you are doubtful about Julia doing so) on your wedding day.

But how is it manipulation? It just isn't. SS/ Louise is far more important than the wedding so it stands to reason she asks them first. Either way it doesn't really matter what order it was. It was just weird to assume it was a manipulative tactic given the position she is in. She's committed to the wedding and doesn't want to leave Louise.

It is true. I'd more say that it is irresponsible of Julia to go to the wedding. She should be the one declining because she has a tricky situation atm.

Can you not read? Op has listed all of the issues quite clearly.

I think you need to be open about your concerns as they do seem valid. How is she going to police the alcohol situation? I don't blame you for being apprehensive, it does sound like a very tricky situation that could go either way.

This ^
plus what other said about alcohol being triggering for Louise. It’s very serious. Julia will be a childminder of a very tricky child on that wedding, does she understand her responsibility? Her approach actually shows me that she can’t be trusted. She should have thought carefully about possible implications, then ask you, and only then ask parents.

In this situation I don’t think you should be troubled by thoughts of how a troubled young girl who is not connected to you might behave, Louise might well be the perfect guest, but it’s the uncertainty you needn’t be dealing with, the headspace it’s taking up during the run-up & during your wedding.

I think I’d be saying to Julia, as there will be alcohol freely available this situation is unsuitable for Louise. You don’t need the worry of all this atm.

"I'm sorry, Julia, but it just can't be done. The wedding has been pared down to the bare minimum as it is and I've had to say No to other kids being there. I'd get a lot of resentment coming my way if I suddenly find a place for a kid who isn't even part of the family. Ive been strict about the small intimate nature of the wedding and I cannot change the boundaries now for you and Louise. I wish we had spoken about it earlier, but frankly, it will cause a lot of angst and bitterness from those I've already had to refuse. I hope you understand. It's difficult for both of us but I have to be consistent for the sake of other family/friend relationships."

Nah. Perhaps Julia could have been decent and not landed this on OP.

OP is not just considering herself, but her groom and the other guests. OP doesn’t need to consider accommodating Julia and her niece at the expense of her, her husband and guests being able to relax and enjoy her wedding.

Don’t text or message anything to your friend, have a proper conversation about your concerns and ask her how she plans to address them. You are allowed to have concerns and she has every right to address those. I think there is some projecting on your behalf - people in charge of children don’t have the same attitude to drinking at a friend’s wedding than that who don’t, that is true of all of us. She is responsible enough to be in charge of this child for the foreseeable and even to take her abroad - and given the green light by social services - so talk to her about why they think it will be possible, don’t second guess any of this. If her answers don’t satisfy you enough then you are within your rights to ask her not to attend with the child, but at the moment you are making lots of judgements about things you only know about on the surface, like this random toddlers being a trigger. I definitely think you should be happy and comfortable at your wedding, but make sure you know what you are declining first. You are not in the situation, you are seeing it from the outside. Also I sympathise because this is probably the last thing you need two weeks before your wedding, but life happens right?

No I wouldn't have the child there at all. I might sound cold and heartless but it's YOUR wedding, and you don't want to be on tenterhooks waiting for some meltdown or drunken episode, together with the drama attached. Even if nothing happens, there is the potential that it might.

Anyway, I think Julia is very much at fault here. She has at short notice taken guardianship of a very troubled child who has the potential to self harm at a moment's notice. Julia should have said that she would NOT be going due to her responsibility to the child. End of story. Can't have everything in life, and I do admire her for taking this child on, but it comes with responsibilities and a lot of common sense decisions.

There now. That's what should happen IMV. Julia is wrong.

i think that shes been landed in this position with louise fairly recently, but shes taking it seriously. Malta is pretty safe and welcoming and its not high season. They all speak english and its child friendly.

Its not ideal, but i think it would be best to go with the flow here and allow it

I really wouldn’t even start asking questions about how it might be done, you will be inviting Julia to reply with solutions. Best to keep it clean cut, we definitely can’t accommodate at the reception due for many reasons happy to invite both to the service only/celebrate at home/keep Julia’s travel plans to a
minimum if care can be arranged for a few days.

Having a toddler at the same table might be good for the teenager. Toddlers love attention and the two might be great company for one another.

She’s your friend, can’t you be honest and share your fears? Have a discussion about your concerns. Isn’t that what friends do? Open and honest.

This is difficult. I'm normally in the camp of, your wedding you can have who you ant there. However, this poor girl has had real trauma and it will definitely be the difference between your friend coming or not.
I'd have an open chat with your friend about the availability of alcohol during the wedding. I'm assuming she's well aware and understands she won't be able to have a few drinks, or possibly any drink herself if Louise comes.
Poor child. Your friend sounds amazing stepping up for her niece.

I think you need to sit your friend down, and say to her 'Julia, much as I want you at my wedding, I'm afraid that if you feel you MUST bring Louise, I'm going to have to rescind your invitation, as I don't want the worry that she will cause a scene of some sort, and ruin our wedding. I know what an awful situation you are in, but our wedding has been kept small deliberately, because of XYZ, and I'm sorry, but neither my fiance or I are prepared to take the risk of having her there.

If you really feel you can't face telling her face to face, then write it down, and put a note through her door NOW!

I realise that you don't want to lose your friend over this, but it's HER that's put you in this extremely difficult position, and in all honesty, I think she is a CF expecting you to just accept her bringing Louise with her.

This.

OP needs to have an open and frank discussion with her friend.

Honestly it sounds like a scenario for an ITV drama where everything goes horribly wrong.

'Dear Julia

I love you and value our friendship deeply, and so admire your commitment to Louise, helping her through this traumatic time in her life

We feel that a weekend spent with strangers, in an unfamiliar location, with a small toddler present, and free flowing alcohol, would not be the safest space for Louise to be in right now. I know that this will be incredibly disappointing news for you, and I wish there was a way we could make it work. Its just not possible to ensure Louises comfort and have our wedding as planned. We hope as our friend that you will understand.

With our deepest love and respect'

You're going to have to bite the bullet and say no

You really seriously think that it was OK for Julia to tell this suicidal, traumatised child that she would be coming to the wedding before she’d even asked the bride ? The child is NOT OP’s responsibility. If Julia wasn’t prepared to make the necessary sacrifices then she shouldn’t have taken her on. To anyone with half a brain and a bit of common sense OF COURSE it was manipulative. She told OP the child was looking forward to coming, thus putting her in a position where it would be very difficult to say no. Are you really this naive ?

I don't blame you for not wanting Louise there, it is a very small wedding with people you haven't seen for a logn time, so I wouldn't want a stranger there either, much less one with such huge issues that a wedding with booze flowing can trigger. You are going to have to call your friend and talk to her. Tbh, I would be a bit pissed off she has already told this kid she is coming!

She won’t be. She had got problems with alcohol just recently and Julia is going to put her in a triggering situation where alcohol will be relatively freely available.
The compromise would be Julia contacted you to say sorry but due to this situation she couldn’t attend your wedding. You absorb cost for the meal and accommodation. She tries to refund tickets. You are ok with her not coming.
That would be a reasonable compromise.