To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I am very much a your wedding your rules person but my God I’d let the poor kid come in this instance.

I’d make it clear to your friend that you expect her not to get drunk and she has to be 100% responsible for her niece at all times.

So what you are effectively saying is she shouldn't have fostered her niece until she checked with the OP whether she could bring her to her wedding or not??

Life is tough and weird sometimes. This is just one of those unexpected situations that arise. I understand you feel worried about the teenager being there, but I also think it sounds like you just don’t want her there period so trying to come up w reasons like your friendship become too drunk to take care of her foster child or Louise may get upset being seated w a toddler that reminds her of her sister.

I think it’s about how much you value this friendship. If you value it, and you must do since Julia is one of the few select friends invited, I’d choose to have a frank conversation w Julia and tell her your worries - make her assure you that she’ll be responsible and look after Louise the whole night and not get pissed and leave this responsibility to others. In a tactful way, of course. If you’re friendship is that close she should also consider your feelings and understand where you’re coming from.

At the end of the day you need to accept sooner rather than later that most things in life you can’t control, and that your wedding is another occasion where not everything will go according to plan. Often it’s the things you didn’t predict would go wro if that go wrong anyways!

I’m sure your friend would have considered possible eventualities of the teens behaviour. Talk with her honestly, say what about this what about that, say you are a little nervous how can we mitigate this. She’s your friend, communicate with her.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I personally would speak to your friend and just explain that it is a very small intimate wedding where there will be unrestricted alcohol and you feel that given the history of this child you feel it just wouldn’t be appropriate and you are concerned that given the small number of guests any disruption by said child could potentially ruin your wedding and reception. She should understand and if not she is selfish. It’s your day and you do not know or owe this child anything. She is the responsibility of your friend. It would be a hard no from me.

Also, since your friend has asked you now, she absolutely knew she didn't have your permission to bring the girl when she chose to make plans to bring her. Therefore, that's totally HER problem that she knowingly caused for herself. Please don't let it influence you or even address it with her.

I agree. This is the best option if you really don't want to go down the route of telling Julia that Louise can't come. And tbh, it would be very unreasonable of Julia to get offended over this, because she's been completely inappropriate expecting to bring Louise in the first place and forcing OP into an awkward position. If Julia isn't happy about it, then unfortunately Julia has to stay home with Louise.

I wouldn’t want the added stress on my wedding day, and the constant what if hanging over my head all night so I’d have to say no.

Why would you get that out of the post you've quoted? That's not what she said at all, is it.

Louise is joined with Julia at the hip at this point in time. You either accept them both or say goodbye to your relationship with Julia

Not necessarily; after all there's nothing to stop OP planning some (hopefully) lovely outings with them both after the wedding, supporting Julia as it seems she always has and so on

From what we've been told it's just this one very special, intimate event OP's particularly worried about, and if Julia - having already behaved as she has - chooses to end the friendship over that I'd have to wonder just how much of a friend she was in the first place

True friends don’t foist this sort of dilemma on a bride to be.

You need to find a way to say no. You won't be able to relax and enjoy your wedding otherwise.
Consider that this many mean that your friend may no longer be able to come and be prepared to accept that.

I would write
Dear ……
we have had a long hard think about you bringing ….. along , it’s such a small intimate wedding we aren’t comfortable with it at all. I’m so sorry I totally understand if it means you can’t come and I really admire you for what you’re doing but I just can’t accommodate this on my wedding day.

Yeah because people with form for drinking too much & letting others mind their kids ( as OP has said Julia does) can be counted upon to keep their word about teetotaling.

🙄

how is the fact that Julia doesn’t want to miss the wedding of her best friend portrayed as a bad thing? From the sounds of it she’s paying her own way so for her to be wiling to fork out for flights and accommodation for both herself and Louise to attend the wedding of her beast friend is not exactly selfish! Personally I loathe destination weddings and the pressure it puts on invitees to spend on flights and accommodation and other associated costs and have politely declined every single invitation I received for one. Julia’s willingness to go shows her commitment to the friendship!

For fuck sake, how much of a sacrifice would it really be to have this girl at your wedding. Zero. Does it matter if she comes? No, why are people so selfish that they can’t make room for one extra? I despair of the country that we have become.

FFs, it's not about "making room" 🙄

Why does she need to accept this, something that very much is in her control?

Julia has form got getting drunk when responsible for children. This particular child is deeply troubled, and the risk that it will all go to shit is very high. That is not something that OP needs to deal with on her wedding day. Even if Julia gives her word, do you think OP would actually be able to relax? How would Julia be able to stop her having a panic attack, and verbally lashing out?

Yes she did if you actually follow the posts quoted.

I think it’s the part with the alcohol access you need to address with your friend.

tell her that she can come to all of it, but for the party suggest she and her niece do something separate away from the alcohol.

it’s the only thing that makes sense.

I think it is really unfair of Julia to put OP into this awkward situation.

Definitely

OP may very well be thinking less of Julia for putting her in this position. I’m sure she’d also think less of her if she failed to keep an eye on her niece and the wedding ends with said niece leaving in an ambulance.

Wanting to be able to relax and enjoy her wedding, and not have it go to shit, does not a Bridezilla make.

She is not a "random child" though, is she?

Yes there are more important things in life like spending time with a terminally ill family member at your wedding and not feeling tense that a child you don’t know may make a scene

If I were Julia I would have accepted that I couldn’t go and it’s nobody’s fault that circumstances have changed.