To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Can you talk to Julia about it?

Ask her will she spend 100% of the day watching Louise in light of the teen’s drinking and other issues?

It seems hard hearted to refuse a traumatised youngster this treat, but I can see why you’re worried too OP.

Jesus wept !! This is OP’s wedding day !! She should be focused on that, not manipulated into a situation which could very well ruin it. Her wedding isn’t a vehicle to help rehabilitate the child, it’s OP’s day. And it’s Julia’s heart which is in the wrong place - she’s putting her own desire to attend the wedding before the childs’ welfare. A wedding in another country where she knows no-one and where there will be easy access to alcohol isn’t the place for a traumatised, suicidal child.

Ok I've read more.

'It's my wedding so no' won't cut it
, but I think discussing your concerns openly is the key, especially with there being trigger points and suicide attempts.

I would say to ask Julia for the solution. If what she wants is a 'sorry, I can't have another guest at the wedding but would love to see you both on the trip', strict curfew for them, agreement that Julia doesn't drink, Louise is briefed about who will be there so she isn't surprised or upset by a toddler, fine. If she wants you to be the bad guy and say no, fine.

Honestly, I would say that you have disappointed so many people who consider themselves close friends or family that you and your fiance have decided that's its not a good idea for Louise to go as its causing to much friction with those not invited. Never mind about everyone on here saying have compassion. It's clear that you do have it in bucket loads but this is not a back garden bbq that can be repeated in a few weeks if it goes pear shaped nor is it the UK where you can sort out a hospital visit in minutes if things go wrong. To add to that, you don't know how the authorities in Malta would react to a child getting drunk should it happen. Please put guilt aside, think of good wording that's a definite no, not something that she can work around as it sounds likevthats what she is doing. Good luck with the wedding, I'd love to visit Malta, my dad was stationed there during the war and said the people are amazing.

How can you say that when OP has said;

'Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.'

The Social Worker required Julia to get rid of all the alcohol in her home before allowing Louise to live there. There will be alcohol on tap at the wedding and I assume that if the Social Worker was aware of this, her recommendation about the holiday being good for Louise might be very different.

That's what I thought. Has Louise's social worker being told it is a wedding (with a bar) as opposed to just a holiday?

What a horribly solipsistic viewpoint. What's manipulative about trying to include the girl? Not saying it's ideal with her issues but she isn't doing it for the good of her health.

Is there any chance that Julia would ask to have things changed so that the alcohol wasn’t freely available?

I don’t know whether compromise would help or whether it would just open further drama

Fiancé isn’t keen either especially as he also wanted a small intimate wedding given that he hasn’t seen his sister for 10 years and never met his nephew. He was on the same page that we didn’t want to spend our time mingling with everybody we’ve ever met, we just wanted proper time with our close loved ones.

On the other hand he doesn’t want me to lose Julia, and has suggested Louise can come but then Louise and Julia would be asked to avoid the evening do on the basis of the self-serve alcohol.

The itinerary is:

Friday morning everyone flies out and settles in.

Saturday Wedding with party after

Sunday a chill relax by the pool type day

Monday afternoon people fly home

Fiancé suggested that Julia and Louise could still have a nice time even if they miss out on the evening do. But it depends on Julia’s reaction to being told “You and Lousie are welcome to everything except the evening do”

OP isn’t the bad guy for saying no. Julia is the bad guy for putting OP in this position in the first place. Why do you think she briefed social services and told the child she would be going to the wedding before clearing it with OP ? Concern for the child my arse. Julia doesn’t want to miss the wedding so she’s going to do her best to drag this child along with no thought as to the appropriateness of any of it, much less the welfare of the child when they’re there.

Telling the girl and social worker before checking with OP is highly manipulative and guilting. She should have preemptively bowed out.

Louise does have somewhere to go. Julia's house, with Julia.

Louise's safety is Julia's concern and a wedding in a different country is not a safe place for a suicidal teen with alcohol problems, even if she could get travel insurance which is extremely doubtful.

Julia and Louise need to bow out of the wedding and wish OP well.

OP honestly I'd be prepared to lose the friendship over this if necessary. If she comes and it goes tits-up you'll hate her anyway.

Given it’s such a tiny wedding and you have paid so much for your family to attend, I wouldn’t risk inviting Louise.

Could this one be blamed on fiancé? If you say he has said no?

You shouldn't have her there because it would be a terrible idea for the girl. You also should have zero expectations of your friend coming and should make it clear to her that she shouldn't come, so that she doesn't feel obligated or wonder how she will make it work.

The social worker is clearly an idiot. The bar situation is not even relevant. She's a vulnerable teenage recovering alcoholic who is not the child of the woman traveling internationally to visit strangers to the girl. It's bonkers and no one with proper safe guarding training should think it's a good idea.

I would let her come considering the circumstances, provided there are a few boundaries in place and I would have a very open, straightforward chat about that.

Additionally, it’s not your responsibility to entertain every single guest so I’m not sure why you are so worked up about entertaining her. It’s a teenager, invite her for a few photos and I would imagine mostly she’ll want to be on her phone afterwards.

Her wedding sounds like not such a strict or fancy event.

Weddings are seriously not that big a deal. Friend should take child elsewhere …. Bride not a good person.

What’s manipulative ? Arranging permission from social services for the child to go, and actually telling the child she will be having a ‘holiday with auntie’ before she even mentioned it to OP. Minimise it all you want, but the fact is that the childs’ welfare is Julia’s last concern. Attending the wedding is the priority.

Lots of people make promises that they can’t keep when it comes to booze.

Not worth the risk to OP.

Bonkers, spiteful and utterly ridiculous. OP’s wedding is clearly a big deal - carefully planned to only include a small wedding party of those they are closest to. A strange child will alter that dynamic. And wanting to stick to the plans doesn’t make OP a bad person. This is her wedding day, not an opportunity to rehabilitate a troubled child she’s never met.

What a mean and spiteful post.

That is a good compromise and one Julia should be grateful to facilitate, given the situation she has put you in. The service itself will be short and alcohol free, and it is the most important part of the day.

This sounds like the best idea if your fiancé is on board with this.

No stress, no drunk Julia, no teens melting down. I think this is the best option op. Or you celebrate at home with them, something lovely and inclusive and alcohol free.

No. I mean if they can't come up with a way to manage Louise attending safely then the OP can make a firm decision and say no, she can do that.

If it came down to 'i don't want this child of your family in loco parentis with you to come because it's my destination wedding', I would be mightily unimpressed by a long-standing friend.

Are you always so suspicious of everyone's motives? She's taken a child in need in FFS.

I think this is a very fair compromise and unless Julia is an absolute CF I think she would agree to this. She still sees you get married, Louise has a holiday and you can enjoy the time with your family without looking over your shoulder

It depends how close you are to Julia. If this was my best friend I'd allow Louise to come as of course they come as a package and I'd want to do anything I could to support my best friend. It would be different if it was a not very close friend.

I don't know why you think being a foster child means the child can't go on holiday. It was silly of you to think saying 'will social services let Louise leave the country' would mean Louise wouldn't come. You have given the impression you are ok for her to come and now she has told the girl - I expect I'd you now say Louise can't come it will be the end of the friendship.