To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I might even just go with

‘I would love to say yes and have you both at my wedding, but dh to be and I decided and agreed a long time ago that we would like a small, intimate wedding with our closest family and friends only, so I don’t think it will work.

I understand this might mean you can’t come if other arrangements can’t be made for Louise for a few days. Let’s make a plan to do something special with all of us including Louise when I am back x’

And send now.
Dont leave this any longer op.

YANBU. Your friend is being unreasonable by even suggesting it. She either needs to stay home with her niece or find someone else to look after her while she is at your wedding. Sounds like the girl has had a lot of recent upheaval and a strangers wedding abroad where her aunt is going to be too busy to look after properly is a recipe for disaster.

Given that the childs’ last interaction with alcohol was mixed with paracetamol and required hospitalisation I’d say the potential for disruption was more than minor. No idea why people are minimising the risks given that this is a traumatised child with a history of being disruptive when stressed, who will be taken to a foreign country to a wedding where she doesn’t know anyone and will be massively outside her comfort zone. What if she has to be hospitalised again if she gets access to alcohol ? Is travel insurance even a possibility given past events ? Would it pay out under the circumstances ? What are the penalties for underage drinking in the country of destination ? And what, if any, liability would OP have given that it’s her wedding party the child is part of ?

No matter how much people try to minimise, these are all serious risks and concerns, and if saying ‘no’ is potentially friendship damaging, imagine what it would do to the relationship if this child kicked off and ruined it. No-one doubts that Julia is doing a lovely thing for her niece, and she’s to be commended. But given the circumstances, however much OP wants to support her friend, her wedding is not the occasion on which she should be expected to do so.

Some thoughts - in no particular order

Julia was wrong to mention it to Louise before clearing with you. Very wrong.

I'm sure Julia is disappointed that she may not be able to come to your wedding. Yes she's doing an amazing thing in fostering her niece. However there are consequences and not being able to come to a wedding is one of them.

12 is a very small wedding so someone new will change the feel of the group.

Others saying you would have included Louise if she was adopted, are missing the point. This is a recent situation. A better comparison would be if Julia had a new boyfriend she wanted to bring.

I have a little sympathy for those suggesting Louise can attend only if Julia doesn't drink at all. But not a lot.

I'm sorry - I think you need to find a set of words which say -Sorry Julia, it's a small wedding. Everyone knows everyone else. I'm not comfortable with Louise coming. OK - she could counter with I'll bring her anyway but she'll stay in her room - yeah right, like that's a really good plan.

Maybe it’s best Julia doesn’t come anyway if she gets so drunk, it’s possible she could ruin your day even without Louise… just putting that out there…

The friendship will be over if this girl gets drunk at the wedding, has a meltdown, screams at the guests (including on that is terminally ill) and/or overdoses. It was wrong of Julia to assume OP would be okay with this, as it’s wrong of Julia to put OP in the position of spending her wedding day on tenterhooks, waiting for something to go wrong.

OP should not in any way feel obliged to be ‘kind and inclusive’ at the expense of her own wedding day. Julia has no problem with risking her friendship with OP, so why is that something OP needs to be fearful of?

This changes things. She regularly has panic attacks… I can understand your apprehension.

If it was me I probably wouldn’t care. I would just tell my friend she’d be welcome so long as she (my friend) doesn’t drink and is responsible for her niece.

But I wouldn’t put up with any drama. First time the teen raises her voice she would have to leave.

I doubt she’d be able to get travel insurance if she was truthful about recent events. Even if she did, it would probably be prohibitively expensive. If I were OP I would be saying no - the child would be part of her wedding party and would possibly attract some liability for OP if something were to happen. I also find it questionable that social services are on board with the child travelling out of the country for a wedding where it’s obvious alcohol will be available.

She can't leave Louise and you can't expect her to. Some things are bigger than your wedding and the welfare of a troubled child of your close circle is one of them. However, I think a conversation is appropriate to let her know that there will be free flowing drink and you are concerned that this may be a risk to Louise's safety. Therefore how does Julia intend to manage this and does she think it will be possible to? I don't think she should put you or Louise in this position without careful consideration but if she agrees to supervise her carefully and is a close friend (and her own family member), given the circs, I think it's something that you should try to accommodate. For me, this is more than 'your wedding, your choice '.

Surely the atmosphere is already ruined by then? A problem is already underway. Why should ops day be ruined in this way?

Honestly I wouldn't want her at my wedding. It sounds small and intimate and lovely - as much as it's very sad for this girl, your (hopefully!) one an only wedding, including seldom-seen close relatives, could potentially be badly derailed by her presence, and even if there are no issues, she's a stranger to you.

I think it's very wrong of Julia to bring her along. She should be bowing out as her circumstances have changed.

I also think that a lot of the answers are typical in that there's an expectation that as women, we should constantly put ourselves last and worry about the needs of everyone else ahead of our own. But we can't care for the whole world, and I think it's okay to draw the line at a young girl you have no connection to.

The clever and kind thing to do would be to meet Louise, make her feel welcome and find something she could do to contribute to your day.

Have you considered talking to your friend and explaining your concerns? What I mean is if this girl is going to come, your friend should not drink so she can supervise her. If she displays any signs of trauma your friend takes her out of the situation and back to her room. There are ways to minimise disruption but that should be down to your friend. Maybe a discussion with the girl about acceptable behaviours may also be helpful.

i get why you are concerned but you are catastraphising and if the very worst does happen disruption to your wedding is minimal. The opposite is also true that she has a wonderful time and is perfect.

I don't understand Julia’s thought process. If she’s got rid of all alcohol at home why take Louise to an event where there’s going to be alcohol. Awful at such a young age Louise has these issues, so much to deal with along with all the other teenage stuff kids go through so I think it’s really unfair of Julia to bring her.

Of course taking her on holiday is just what the doctor ordered but too much temptation in her way I think.

Whatever you decide PLEASE call your friend and talk to her or meet up. Do not send a text.

I think your friend has been really cheeky. She hasn't asked you, she's just bulldozing through and assuming.

Yes, the girl your friend has taken in sounds like she's going to need a lot of help but let's be blunt, she's not your problem. Adding a guest you don't know to a small, intimate wedding changes everything. Especially one who you'll feel could disrupt the day evidenced by previous behaviour.

You need to tell your friend soon, or you'll get more guilt trips of her saying she's done this and that for your wedding trip, spent money etc. I think you need to be gently honest, say as much as you want her there her invite didn't include a plus one.

Eh?

Seriously? Why on earth would OP want an unstable stranger having a role in her wedding?

I don’t agree at all.

The welfare of a child that is unknown to her does not take precedence over her own wedding day. That is a ridiculous assertion. Op should do all she can to support her friend outside of her wedding day. Even inviting them to Christmas events or other special occasions if appropriate, but to sacrifice her wedding day is too much to ask of any friend.

Sounds like Julia wants to forget her new responsibilities by attending your wedding. She should have said sorry to pull out but I’ve got temporary foster care of my niece. We’re going to take it easy at home. Let’s meet up afterwards so that you can show me the pics. This would have been the correct response. It looks like you have to take responsibility and tell her no and to stay at home with Louise.

Nope. It’s OP’s wedding day. For OP, nothing is bigger than that, and nor should it be. Julia took on the responsibility for this child, not OP and her desire to attend the wedding is clouding her judgment as to what is best for her. Julia knew full well that if she asked the answer would be no, so she OK’d it with social services (supposedly) and told the child she would be going before even mentioning it to OP. That’s shamelessly manipulative and I’d have none of it. The answer would be no. My wedding, my day potentially being ruined, my choice.

Louise has no where else to go.

Her safety is your friend.

she will rightly prioritize Louise over you.

if you say no, shows Your heart is in the wrong place, & very grinch.

Say “that’s lovely, it’s wonderful that my wedding could be a help to a young person. I’m so happy for you both”

I just don’t think it was appropriate for the friend to even ask (never mind phrase in a way as though she assumed it was fine) if her niece could come. A small intimate wedding is not the wedding to invite someone else to (actually when is it ever ok to invite someone else to a wedding?!). Aside from the fact that clearly this would not be a great situation for the niece to be in, and it sounds like your fears re something going wrong are well founded, it’s not fair to foist an additional guest on you who you don’t know - exceptional circumstances notwithstanding. I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to gently and kindly say I’m sorry, no, this is a very very small wedding and not one we’re able to add someone extra who we don’t know. It may very well mean your friend can’t come. I hope she would understand and not get upset with you, or it cause issues with your friendship, but if it does I do think that’s on her, not you. The flip side is if she came and there was a problem, that would massively strain/scupper your friendship.

Regardless of all the complex issues, you don’t want her there because she’s a stranger and you have deliberately planned a small intimate gathering.

You are more than entitled to say no and would be foolish to do otherwise.

The issue with a phone call might be that op feels the need to give in and capitulate, she might be able to hold the line more easily by text.

If Julia is your best (top 2) friend can you be open with her?

If you say really no, don't try to formulate is as an objective issue, because Julia will try to solve it.

If you are concerned about Julia's own drinking, say it. "Is it ok to assume you would stay totally dry to be able to supervise Louise? There will be alcohol quite easily available in the buffet, so it might be the best if you cut the evening off early, just to avoid the temptation.

How long is the wedding really? Can they come to a ceremony , but skip the evening buffet with alcohol?