To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Then the best friend doesn’t come. Julia doesn’t seem too
worried about op’s feelings on the matter. A good friend would have discussed her predicament fully and offered to stay at home/organise a babysitter or other solutions.

I’ve been thinking a lot about your message and firstly, I just want to say again how incredible I think you are for stepping up for Louise – she’s lucky to have you

i can see why the idea of a holiday feels like a lovely break for you both, and I know how much you’ve both been through.

But I need to be honest, I do think the wedding would be really triggering for her. It’s such a small, intimate group and there’ll be alcohol freely available, which I know has been a really serious issue for her. There’s also going to be a toddler at your table, and with what you’ve told me about how upset Louise is about being separated from her little sister, I genuinely think that could be very emotionally difficult for her.

I just don’t feel it’s the right environment for someone in such a fragile place, and I’d be worrying about her the whole time instead of being present in the moment. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from, this doesn’t come from a place of not caring, it’s the opposite.

I just don’t think it’s the right thing for her, or for you, or for me on the day.

Love you and I really hope we can talk this through – I know this isn’t easy.

Also OP, bottom line is, will your friendship survive this child kicking off and ruining the day?

I doubt it will. Tell Julia this. Also your fiancé's opinion here should be sought.

To me the choice would basically come down to -

A) Potential, even maybe probable, minor disruption at your wedding in the evening if the child was not adequately supervised.

or

B) Not having a dear friend there, not helping support a friend who is doing an amazing thing taking on responsibility for a traumatised family child, potentially damaging your friendship long term.

For me, it would be a very easy choice to make.

Of course it’s possible Louise will be perfectly fine. Maybe she’ll have a fab time and it’ll do her the world of good.

or it could go the complete opposite way.

I don’t want to be on tenterhooks

As @Lovelysausagedogscrumpy has pointed out, this troubled teen has no business traveling to a foreign country given her recent hospitalisation. What happens if Julia is at the wedding and the teen gets access to alcohol? Is the OP willing to chance spending her wedding night supporting Julia at an emergency room in a foreign country as the teen's stomach is pumped for alcohol or even other substances?

If Julia is a good friend, she would not have assumed she could bring her troubled niece but would have dropped out of the wedding. Julia can call customer service at the airlines and can likely get the value of the tickets applied to a future holiday with her teen niece, if she supplies the evidence that her family crisis was sudden and critical.

The ideal solution could be that either the grandparents or Julia's adult children can babysit the teen at Julia's alcohol-free house for the weekend. That minimises the disruption for the teen and Julia can still enjoy the wedding with the OP.

But the OP should tell Julia, sorry no Louise at the destination wedding.

It’s not catastrophising at all. Given what’s happened in the past, and that the child will be in a stressful and unfamiliar environment, it’s a distinct possibility.

I agree if Louise has a meltdown and/or Julia gets legless your friendship would be over anyway. You may as well have the wedding just as you would like it to be (ie no extra guests and the stress) and hope your friend is a decent friend and understands why.

I think there is a compromise possibly but it’s okay to just say no

Low probability

Exactly.

Where is Julia’s concern for the friendship??

OP’s wedding isn’t a rehab centre. So inappropriate to even suggest bringing Louise. Putting OP on the spot at what should be a happy time.

Saint Julia doesn’t get a free pass to impose on others’ lives.

If she’s there it’s very likely you’re not going to be able to relax properly and enjoy the day. Even if Julia makes all the necessary assurances, are you going to be able to trust that she’ll be able to follow through, or are you going to be looking over your shoulder the entire time and stressing?

It’s too big a risk imo. It’s very unfair of Julia to put this on you. I’m not sure why you need to bend over backwards to accommodate her, lest you lose her as a friend, when she has shown none of the same consideration for you.

If I were OP I wouldn’t take the chance on my wedding day.

Or c) the friend (if she is a real friend) will not put her closest friend in a terrible position on her wedding day, and makes arrangements for Louise. It’s totally unfair to put this on the wedding couple.

d) Friend goes to the service and enjoys the rest of the holiday with Louise..

Zero probability if she’s not there though. Much better odds.

I suppose you'll need to be absolutely clear to your friend that she must take responsibility throughout for the niece and getting drunk would not be acceptable. Is there any other member of the party you couid brief to make sure this happens?

FFS. It's the OP's wedding day and you think she should be taking on the role of a nanny and including other guests in this scenario?!

I think it is really unfair of Julia to put OP into this awkward situation.

Anyway, if they come the whole party will know the situation surrounding it which might give Julia and Louise pause for thought.

Let them just have a lovely holiday together. It will be good for bonding and going forward.

OP, tbh I think your friend is being incredibly selfish to put you in this position.

Quite apart from anything else, how on earth will she get travel insurance for a suicidal teen recently hospitalised for alcohol abuse? Surely it's a non starter for her to travel abroad in the circumstances?

It is a shame that Louise has had a difficult time, there are plenty of ways to support your friend and her niece without sacrificing your wedding day op.

I would be so upset if my best friend had done this to me - and not even discussed it in person and we together decided what is best. She has dumped this on you, doubled down by telling Louise therefore making it very hard for you to say how you genuinely feel. She has lined it all up without even asking you. It is quite disrespectful op.

I just couldn’t risk it OP. I can see you feel sorry for them both, as you should as her friend. It’s really not appropriate that she even asked you though in my opinion. I would say to her that you’ve thought about it and discussed it with your fiancé and you are going to have to say no sorry. I wouldn’t give her a reason unless she really presses you. Then I would say that you’ve thought want to keep it very small and haven’t invited other friends so don’t want to add any other guests and just leave it at that.

You should’ve said no straight away. Your first question implied you’d say yes if social services okayed it and now their hopes are up so I voted YABU because of that but I wouldn’t want it either. Your wedding is not the place for friends to be straightening out troubled teenagers.

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and lay the situation out very frankly indeed for Julia.
Emphasise that alcohol will be both available to all and free-flowing. This is fine, of course it's your choice and your wedding. But you have to tell Julia that if she brings her teenage niece it will be up to her to supervise her, keep a watch on her/their alcohol consumption and if necessary remove her at the least sign of a problem. Other people may or may not be able to help (i.e. you, you're going to be occupied) and is she absolutely sure she will be able to handle it. In short, if there's any problem at all she will have to handle it. It's all on her - you don't want any disruption at all.
(Perhaps you could also suggest she should have a word with any bar staff/ servers.)
And no, you can't restrict alcohol for your other guests. Why should you, and besides, they can handle it.
If you can't tell her this or she can't promise to supervise, then suggest it might be better if they don't come, because it would ruin it for you, and Julia, and the girl herself if it all goes tits up.

Are you paying for your friends twin room, food and flights?

This. You can tell her no, but effectively your friendship will be over.

Personally I feel that's a really unkind and non-inclusive attitude. I completely get child free weddings, and people have the choice to go or not go, but Louise doesn't have anyone else in the world at the moment. She only has Julia. Julia doesn't have anywhere to leave this child to attend your wedding - you can't just ditch a child in the mental state that she'll currently be in and go off for a week. You can do this with a child under normal circumstances, but not a vulnerable, neglected 13-year-old that's been through something extreme.

Louise is joined with Julia at the hip at this point in time. You either accept them both or say goodbye to your relationship with Julia.

If I had been Julia, I'd have pulled out of the wedding and hoped you'd understand. Or taken the girl on holiday but not attended your event.

However she only has 2 options available now, pull out on your advice and lose money, or she comes with the vulnerable little girl and you embrace them.

Understand the concern around alcohol but you'd expect Julia to be a changed woman considering the circumstances.

If the teen has been drinking to the point of hospitalization, how long has that been and what if she has a physical or mental health issue while traveling or at your wedding? What are J's plans if the teen gets drunk at your wedding and requires medical care.

I think your friend is using really poor judgement here.

After rereading OPs posts, unless there's anything missing then both OP and her friend are at fault that it's gotten this far.

Clearly this is a huge commitment that the friend has taken on and has talked to OP about her nieces struggles.

Unless the friend has fostered the niece as recent as the last week, I'm surprised that OP didn't mention to her friend that she can't bring the niece, or the friend to state that she is unable to leave the niece.

For the friend to have planned for the expense of taking her, checking with school and sw, che bed niece has a passport and has told her, to me means that there's been enough time to sort this out.

The friend was wrong to have practically arranged all of it before but maybe assumed that since OP hadn't mentioned it then it would be ok? It's OPs wedding and it is a bit of an oversight for OP to have not considered what this change may mean for her friend attending her wedding.