To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Have you no compassion for OP’s relatives - one who’s terminally ill - who are expecting and looking forward to a small, special, relaxed wedding and spending time together? Why not?

Dear Julia,

I think what you are doing for Louise is incredible, and you are one of my closest friends because you are so kind hearted.

I have a chosen a small and intimate wedding, as I would just like to have those closest with me on my wedding day.

I would be delighted to welcome both you and Louise for the wedding service on the day, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring Louise to the reception due to the very small number of guests we have attending, the presence of alcohol and the intimacy of the occasion.

I understand you might prefer not to come to the wedding at all, given the circumstances you are currently in, and we can celebrate when I am home. I will leave it with you to decide what is best.

op xxx

I am frankly amazed that social services are on board with taking abroad a teen who has had alcoholic poisoning to the point of being hospitalised and also both a suicide attempt and a paracetamol overdose. Do the insurers know of this “history”? Quite apart from the fact that you don’t want some teenager that you don’t know at your wedding, under the circumstances I would have huge misgivings even if this were Julia’s own daughter. You are in a v difficult situation, OP, and I think Julia is very unfair to have put you in this quandary so near your wedding. What does your DP think? Or your DM? I would be most unhappy if this were my daughter’s wedding - it has the potential for disaster written all over it. You clearly need to speak to Julia, who I think is being v unreasonable, and explain the situation re free-flow wine, and that you are most unhappy about having someone added to such a very small and intimate gathering. You also need to ensure that if this child does come, she has adequate insurance, and is adequately supervised. This is your wedding day, OP: the last thing you need to be worrying about is the behaviour is guests you haven’t even invited. I’m afraid I think your friend has been outrageously unfair - had she texted to say she couldn’t now come because of the foster daughter, I'm sure you would have understood.

Sorry, it would be a huge no from me. I’d be worrying all day and that’s not fair on your wedding. Especially as it’s so intimate. I’d be really honest and truthful with ‘Julia’ though, if she’s a very close friend I’d hope she may understand. If ‘Louise’ is as troubled as you have said, there’s no way I’d want any drama on my wedding day with a child I do not know.

She might very well lose the friendship if she allows Julia to impose on here and the wedding day goes tits up as a result.

I would say no just based on the fact that Julia has pretty much presented it as a fait accompli, like OP has little choice but to say yes. Those aren’t the actions of a friend.

One extra guest who has recently been hospitalised for alcohol abuse and paracetamol overdose. Taken out of the country and placed in a situation where alcohol is freely available, despite Julia giving an undertaking to social services that she will not be around alcohol. I can’t imagine any friend putting the bride in such an awkward position by clearing the trip with social services and telling the child she will be coming, before even asking the bride herself. Compassion, in my opinion, is recognising that this is not even remotely suitable for Louise, and that Julia’s motives are not in the best interests of the child she has taken responsibility for. If they were, she would have made her apologies and bowed out.

I agree but do speak seriously with Julia about properly supervising Louise around drink. She will probably behave well, we all hope so, but you never know what might trigger something. Julia will obviously speak to her gently about it in advance - and Julia must drink moderately! Setting a good example is important. I

can remember getting blind drunk aged thirteen at my cousin's 21st birthday party. I never lived it down, it was forever mentioned. Not now because I am 75 and most of the adults around at that time have long departed. My cousin is still alive at 83 and in fairness to her, has never mentioned it.

You sound quite paranoid to be catastrophising like that.

For such a small party of guests I am afraid I would be saying no. Yes your friend is very kind to take care of this girl, but I think it is quite cheeky of her to ask can she bring her. I am a foster parent myself and have had to decline invitations where it was not suitable/polite to bring one of the dc in my care.

It is not paranoia. She’s been hospitalised on more than one occasion for harmful behaviour towards herself. When stressed and anxious she can shout abuse at those around her. The poor kid has had trauma since the day she was born and has never learnt to regulate her emotions.

I do have empathy for her and she’s been through a shit situation but quite frankly, I don’t want to deal with it at my intimate family wedding when I want to spend time with the nephew we’ve never met and enjoy time with my uncle before he passes from cancer.

I think this is reasonable, but I think its best they both don't come.

I do not think your friend is thinking straight.
Her asking this is deeply inappropriate.
She should not be putting you in such a position.

I would be very upset at having to navigate this.
Julia should be declining due to circumstances beyond her control.

I think it is not wrong to tell Julia you feel very stressed by her suggestion.

Your wedding is not a nice outing for a deeply troubled unstable child.

Like WTF is Julia thinking?

No she sounds totally normal.

What does your soon to be husband think? Surely he has a say in this too?

It’s difficult and I think Julia has made a big assumption. If you want her to be there, it sounds like Louise will have to be there too given the circumstances.

I think you should ask Julia to remain sober given Louise’s history with alcohol. And highlight you are concerned about the open bar situation.

Exactly this. So many people expecting OP to sacrifice her peace of mind on her wedding day when the situation could so easily go so wrong.

Oh FFS, stop pussy footing around and hang wringing and outright ask Julia how she plans on making this work, and what steps she is proposing to keep Louise safe.

I feel for the poor girl, and excluding a traumatised child from this won't help her situation at all. But just be a big girl, strap on your big girl pants and outright ASK!

If she's really a friend, she won't mind.

No niece = no best friend coming.
It could also potentially damage the friendship going forward too. It’s a tricky one, OP.

I am sorry op but your friend has put you in an awful position. This now threatens to over shadow your wedding and could potentially ruin it altogether. It’s the most important day of your life, and you can not allow for it to be wrecked by the worry and the stress of this all day and evening.

It is up to Julia to decide whether to take Louise on holiday to help her mental health etc but not at the expense of your wedding day !

I can completely understand why you are concerned. Anyone would be. You won’t get to have this day again. On that basis you can say no I am sorry it is an intimate wedding with my closest family and friends only.

I do think you deserve a low drama wedding day. I think Julia needs to get to a place where she realises bringing Louise isn’t a good idea. She’s probably going to be hurt because she’s so focused on the intensity of the situation. But it’s your day. This isn’t like the step child situation on the other thread.

I think you should phone Julia, check it’s a good time to chat and then say, “I’m really sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I don’t think it will be appropriate for Louise to come to the wedding.”

And when she reacts defensively and says then she isn’t coming either, just maintain a gentle tone and say you understand.

Op this is perfect but you need to send it sooner rather than later as you’ve missed many opportunities to shut down the suggestion of the niece coming and allowed Julia to get carried away, tell the niece, confirm with the social worker etc.

"Bank account insurance" would be a complete waste of time in a situation like this. Practically all of them exclude preexisting conditions in the fine print, and even a specialist medical insurer might well baulk under the circumstances

And that's assuming Julia was prepared to be honest about Louise's history and didn't just chance it

Just say no and your friend won't come either.

This is your best friend. I'd have a face-to-face, serious, card on the table, honest and open conversation with her.

OP is working herself up into a palaver over it. She has control over her peace of mind.