To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Doubtful, given OP’s updates. And regardless, a traumatised child who’s been recently hospitalised for alcohol and drug abuse shouldn’t be taken abroad, where medical treatment may be difficult and expensive to obtain. Travel insurance will be difficult and expensive for the same reasons. What are the implications for OP if she does get access to alcohol ? What are the underage drinking penalties in the destination country ? It’s really irresponsible of people to suggest it’s fine for her to attend when so much could go wrong.

Yes, good points.

I haven’t rtft but I would say what’s more important to you - having Julia there or not having Louise there? That’s your answer.

Fwiw I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel how you do however she’s in a situation where she can’t really go without the child. Difficult for everyone.

Read OP’s updates. There are no guarantees - Julia has form.

Thank god for people like Julia in the world

What ? Manipulative and uncaring of the potential effects on her best friends’ wedding if things go wrong ? She’s taken responsibility for Louise and she’s clearly putting her own desire to attend the wedding before what’s actually best for the child.

I know it’s getting a bit ridiculous, but could one of her adult DC come as well, to supervise Louise?

It’s unfair that a terminally ill relative and a rarely seen sibling and nephew are effectively being edged out because of the needs of Julia’s niece.

Maybe that’s the way to spin it. Concern about Louise, with all the obvious worries, but also- ‘and we so want to be able to focus on Granny Smith and DH’s sister and the nephew he’s never met! We really don’t want to be distracted from them!’.

What about them coming, but not doing the wedding buffet at all. Just the breakfast and the pool/holiday bits?

She isn’t a ‘random’ she is your best friend’s family member / foster child.

Just tell Julia that it is a wine machine (which sounds awful) and you would hate the idea that the girl could get hold of wine and that it is ok with you if Julia swears she will take full responsibility and supervises to the extent that she stays away from alcohol herself, as you don’t want this worry on your wedding day.

Then leave them to it and enjoy your day.

have only read OPs posts.
Well you have a choice: your friend comes to the wedding with the child, or she doesn't come to the wedding.

She is your Best Friend. I don't get how a wedding, even a very fancy destination wedding, can consume so much of your brain power that you can't work out why your friend is trying to support you by being at your wedding and can't leave the child behind.

I can imagine the AIBU if you were going to bin off your friend for not coming to your wedding.

This is a brilliant response. Imo the best reply here. This is such a tough situation and this suggestion allows you to say no gracefully and firmly without going into your worries and fears which can't really be allayed by her. I wouldn't bother asking her to not drink etc as that could be taken quite badly as it rightly implies she's a drinker and can't handle it etc. and even if you did try to control the situation with rules etc I imagine you'd still feel on edge. Stick to your guns, it's ok to say no to this politely and with the excuse of "sorry no", you don't have to touch on her drinking problems or the very real possibility of her niece getting in a state. Just say no, that's ok.

My thoughts have turned to possible compromises, and they are all about supervising Louise. It feels that someone other than Julia should do it. Presumably the free flowing alcohol will only be available Saturday afternoon and evening? Someone had to entertain Louise during that time. Best, as someone said, would be if Julia’s partner could entertain and supervise her. Or Julia’s family member. Outside the wedding. If not - what can be done… Malta is famous for language schools. Would Louise like to start learning, say, Italian? Maltese itself is a mix of Italian and Arabic. It would probably have to be with a private tutor given that it’s Saturday. Not ideal because - what if Louise runs away? But she could run away from Julia too, or from the partner/family member. So it will all depend on how troubled Louise is. Needless to say, Julia is being very very very unreasonable. It’s like bringing a gambling addict to a wedding in Vegas, or to a casino.

It would be a hard no from me for all the excellent reasons mentioned by PP. Julia also has to realize that taking on a child is a massive responsibility, and also requires adjusting your lifestyle. She has taken in a child with a very complicated situation and needs to accept that.

How many posts are on MN of women upset that their kids are not invited to a wedding? The consensus is usually it’s their wedding so they call the shots however cruel it may seem to the poster. Some couples want child free, some want only selected kids to attend regardless of how cruel it seems to whoever the parent of the excluded child is. It’s your wedding so your choice, FWIW I wouldn’t want Louise at my wedding either. Julia needs to focus on Louise and an open bar wedding with people she doesn’t know is not in Louise’s interest.

i like @Canterranter message, but i'd also add that you understand if she no longer feels able to come to your wedding

Will Julia lose money if she can't come to the wedding without Louise?
I think you might lose your friendship if you say no to Louise coming to the wedding.
She was BVU to talk to Louise about the wedding before you had said she could come.

I think whatever you decide to do you should talk about your concerns with Julie in person and not over text.
I think it will come across better in a conversation than it will if you just send a message saying no, Louise can't come.

I find it funny that you’re berating the OP while making a snobbish comment about the wine. Can’t resist a dig?

I’d say binge drinking and overdosing on paracetamol, requiring hospitalisation, is a fairly good indication that the child shouldn’t be taken out of the country, out of her comfort zone being with people she doesn’t know, and into a situation where the alcohol she has already abused will be easily available. ‘Hardly having to do anything’ isn’t the point. The potential for it all to go horribly wrong is the point. This isn’t a package holiday, it’s OP’s wedding day.

I’d disagree because her “comfort zone” is actually a “toxic zone” that is causing her to be suicidal.

You cannot say that you understand that she cannot attend because she ( Louisa) has already said she can, if the Op doesn’t want Julia there then she needs to be more straightforward with her and say that

You just have to be straight with your friend. No niece.

Be the better person, OP. Support your friend - who presumably you love - in this terrific but difficult thing that she is doing. I can't imagine saying "no" to a close friend in this situation.
And poor Louise - have you no compassion for her?
It's one extra guest - you will still enjoy your wedding.

Don’t understand this post. At all.

Exactly this.

What if Julia slips and gets drunk, and/or the child sneaks alcohol or meds and they create a scene?? OP is expected to spend her wedding day sorting that out?!

Julia is not thinking clearly.

It’s a really awkward issue, but I think you need to be completely honest with your friend and say that you’ve been thinking it through and you have concerns. I don’t think its fair for people to paint you out as a bridezilla type figure here, you’ve paid a lot of money, it’s your special day, you only get 1 wedding day and you don’t get to re-do it. Whereas holidays can always be retaken. I would be pointing out that it’s not really a holiday, it’s a wedding day and you want it to be meaningful, intimate and special. If drama is created then this can’t be taken back & it becomes the centre of the wedding memories.

I’ll be honest, I keep seeing scenarios where Louise has to be carted off in an ambulance or self-harms during the wedding party. This isn’t an unfounded fear. She’s been a bit more stable since moving in with Julia but still gets upset about stuff, particularly regarding the situation with being separated from toddler sister. All it would take is an upsetting text message regarding her little sister for Louise to get into a panic attack at the wedding which is when the harmful behaviour starts. This is why I’m so concerned about there being a toddler present who is the same age as her sister.

Even if Julia were to be completely sober if this happens, it could still become a huge scene.

Travel insurance is a really good point. Unless Julia has some corporate health insurance and included Louise on it without the need to disclose conditions. Or sometimes you can get it with a bank account, but would Louise be eligible to be included as a family member in this case, that’s the question.