To think you should never cohabit with a man unless he’s paying the majority of the bills?

[ThisSereneSnail]

Split finances = split energy.

😭

As the higher earner I think that would be very unfair.
We're a team, it's not a transactional relationship.

There have been a fair few threads today where that voting option would be relevant.

There is nothing attractive or masculine about a man who would palm off looking after the house/children/remembering his mums birthday in exchange for a few quid!
i don’t need a “leader” I’m more than capable of leading myself and if he doesn’t care enough to put equal effort in then he’s not the man I want.

If a long term relationship I would think it’s earnings dependant. Especially if one of you works part time to care for young children.

I feel rather sorry for @ThisSereneSnail that she hasn't experienced that. Her experience seems to have been of emotionally absent men.

let me sum up your argument
you want a rich man to pay the bills and you will fawn over him and make him feel special and remember all his family’s birthday’s

Not quite. I want a relationship built on polarity and mutual respect, not outdated stereotypes.

Wanting masculine financial leadership doesn’t mean I’m trying to cosplay a 1950s housewife - it means I value structure, protection and emotional balance in a relationship. And just like I’m not forcing anyone else to live that way, I’m not interested in justifying it either. It’s a dynamic that works for me and plenty of women like me.

Or just absent men... (the non paying type too).

I hate to say it, but many high-earning men (I come across a good few working in my own decently-paying job which results in me having no self-respect, apparently…) will see the likes of you coming a mile away. Most intelligent, honest, good guys won’t want a very obvious (sorry) sponger who isn’t bringing anything to the table other than “softness”, whatever the heck that’s code for... The ones that do, know they’re with you for a “good time” not a long time. Sad but true. That’s why I personally believe it’s important to be with someone who treats you well and with respect above all else; someone you CHOOSE to be with, instead of NEEDING to be with them because they fund your life.

Don't really agree with OP, but it does surprise me how many apparently committed, serious relationships on mumsnet - even marriages - are splitting things 50/50. And it seems those men continue to want to split things 50/50 whilst their wife is on maternity with their new baby. Etc. It's not very "we're a team" like.

Me and my partner don't split things 50/50 anymore. We don't keep tabs like that, neither of us cared to. He pays for stuff, I pay for stuff.

We initially did a split when we were first together, but neither of us wanted to be tit for tat or cared about 50/50 or keeping track.

He's ended up taking on the bulk of the bills because he gets paid more and so he just did. It just happened. I did ask him if he's happy doing that, he is. We discuss finances, but it's always just "our money" now.

What about same sex relationships? Does your batshit theory extent to that?

Why didn't they stay with you then?

i would assume she’s single! 😂

I think when must say 50/50 they mean all the money in one pot.

We’re no longer in the 1950’s (thank goodness) - we now have equality. When DH and I moved in together we adopted the approach of paying in relation to our income with the same personal money - because we are a couple. We’ve followed the same approach very happily for 30 years.

It just seems to me, OP, that you have only met inept and inadequate men and I feel sorry for you if you are in a relationship with one. Or are you saying that all of us who are in relationships with men who (amazingly) can not only remember them but remind us of birthdays coming up, are tuned in to whether we are happy or not, listen to our problems, in other words pull their weight emotionally, just haven't met a Real Man yet?

I actually agree - women can earn more and still feel safe, supported and feminine in a relationship. The key word is alignment.

What I shared wasn’t a blanket rule for everyone but a boundary for myself: I wouldn’t choose to cohabit unless the man was willing to lead financially. That doesn’t mean I think love only exists through money - it means I value clear polarity in my relationships. That works for me and plenty of others, even if it’s not everyone’s vibe.

We’re allowed different standards. That’s not the issue. The issue is when one standard gets mocked simply because it’s not the norm.

@ThisSereneSnail - are there children involved in your thinking, OP? I completely get why someone might be an SAHP.

But if not, I don’t particularly see why someone else should financially support you and provide you with a home just because you provide them with emotional support. Money to live on is not a nice to have; it’s essential.

DH and I both work outside the home. We both contribute to the household finances, running the home and raising our family. I hugely value my financial independence.

Your thinking seems pretty childish to me. Frankly, the vast majority of women can provide emotional support. We’re pretty good at that. Most of us don’t think it’s a substitute for earning our own living and being financially independent. You’re not offering anything particularly special as far as I can see, and that makes you very vulnerable.

I'm not into Gilead.

I think your thought process stems from a very low opinion of men op. And I am normally not one to jump to men’s defence. You don’t seem to think them capable of many things women do. And that working for money is the ONLY thing they’re capable of. The only thing that points to is that you’ve never met a good man.

It gets mocked because it’s ridiculous.

To be fair on OP. Many women here screaming we are equal but many threads on MN give a different story.
Too often women pay half the bills, but do 70% housework, 90% childcare and 100% life admin
So with OP at least she has her role and he has his. Possibly more equally split than most here

What happens if the woman earns more than the man - you still want him paying the majority of the bills?

I don’t need anyone’s permission to have opinions, standards, or wi-fi - but thanks for the concern.