DH sees MIL every day

[anonymous670]

Name changed for this one because I’m prepared to be slated 😬

DH sees his mum typically 3 times a week, but lately it’s become almost every day. Sometimes he goes to her, mostly her to us. She also calls him at least twice a day, often when we’re out.

I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I find it really intruding and overbearing. This week he has seen her on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today. Anytime I mention I think it’s a bit much he gets really defensive and accuses me of being horrible. He’s not open to any kind of discussion.

For context, MIL lives on her own but is very active, works 3 days a week and has other family close by who she sees each evening.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in thinking this is really suffocating and intruding on our family time. I also don’t know how to articulate why I think it’s unreasonable, if it is.

My own mum sees DS twice a week, but I’m starting to get worried DS will form a closer bond with MIL, who for various reasons is not someone we both want to have a big influence over his values! Am I just paranoid that he will, or is it inevitable?!

She only lives 5 minutes away which doesn’t help. We’ll be moving in a couple of months to ever so slightly further but I’m worried the expectation to have such easy access to us is already set.

To complicate matters, we’re also TTC. If we are fortunate enough, when the time comes, it will be my own mum who’s around more to support me (DH agrees). But I can see that causing a whole load of other issues… Am I just being horrible!?

How long is he visiting for? Why has it increased?

It would probably annoy me but I think you are being unreasonable if it isn't stopping you doing things as a family.

Tricky one. A man complaining that his OH saw her mother every day would probably get very little sympathy on here, to put it mildly.

Yes you are being horrible
why will your mum be more involved when you have another child
why don’t you want MIL influencing your kids?
Maybe your DH sees her because you’ve made it clear you don’t like her
Nothing you’ve said in your post makes it feel like it’s anything other than personal

You’ve got a son, be glad he has a father that has a strong bond with his mom. See yourself in twenty years when your son has a partner and they say you see him too much.

And yes it’s a horrible thing to say as basically you don’t want your child to like her more than your mom.

I feel both sides here (removes splinters from arse)

That's a lot of time seeing your MIL. A lot. I actually don't quite see how she fits everything in, though presumably she doesn't spend much time online like what I do. I would not have found this very easy to handle.

On the other side, I wouldn't worry too much about her influence on your dc. I have known many children with great tolerance alongside love for their grandparents' habits/political views, but none who just swallowed their views whole.

Given that you're about to ha e two kids and the workload is going to increase, and given that you're going to be a bit further away, I would just try to ride this one out. Get used to handing her a pile of ironing/baby/mop when she arrives, along with a cup of tea and grateful cries, then disappear yourself. If she doesn't like that, she won't be round as much. Same for dh if he sees her visits as a chance to sit and chat - give him a job.

How long is he there for?

If he just pops in for a few minutes to check she is ok, have a quick chat and maybe a cuppa then YABU.

If he spends hours there, eats his meal there, misses out on your DCs bedtime then maybe you have a point.

I agree with this.
Is the time she spends with him actually negatively impacting on your family life or does it just annoy you for reasons you can’t articulate?
When she comes how long does she stay? Half an hour or all evening? It makes a difference.

Sorry OP it isn’t a formula of more time with someone automatically means stronger feelings. What a strange thing to say.

You MIL and your mother are family too so no it isn’t intruding on your family time.

How lovely that your OH is close to his mum and she wants to be involved in your lives.

This just sounds like you don’t like her and are jealous. How lovely to have two grandparents who are so involved. Our nearest parent lives four hours away so unfortunately I don’t have any sympathy (and had absolutely no help with my kids). And no my relationship with MIL wasn’t awesome but I respected her relationship with her son and she is a wonderful grandparent.

If he's dropping in to see her for an hour there's nothing wrong with that. If he's basically living there and just coming home to sleep you have a problem. My uncles did the latter until my grandmother died, just left their wives to bring up kids alone while they were back 'home' being indulged by mammy.

Sounds like you really dislike your mother in law. Can you say why?

Db used to see dm every day.

I think it’s nice. Why are you trying to spoil it? He’s her son as well as your Dh.

What are the reasons that you don't want your DS to share your MIL's values? Does she have unacceptable racist or homophobic views?

What is she like when she comes round? Is she polite and friendly?

Does she only come round when your DH is there or does she visit when he isn't there?

This is a good point!

This 👆

It sounds like you're threatened/jealous that he wants to spend this much time with her.

You say that you don't want you child to be around her because of values etc but that doesn't stack up. If she's so shady then why does she get lots of visitors and have such good relationships with her children that they all visit so regularly? To me, it sounds like a huge green flag that people want to be in her company so often. Maybe try it.

It honestly sounds like your jealous.

I won’t go into specific examples, but unfortunately yes she is both of those things! She won’t make comments in front of me anymore as I made it very clear I don’t share her views, but I do still overhear comments occasionally

I see my dad most days , he lives 2 mins away I pop in with the kids 3/4 times a week. My DM died 3 years ago and I also saw her daily I miss her everyday. I dread the day my dad dies and I see him as much as possible if my DH had an issue with it I’d be pretty cross with him. One day your MIL won’t be there.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to see his mother every day but I’m expecting the ‘mummy’s boy’ comments to start when there is no way a woman would get those comments on here

Unfortunately her younger daughter avoids her like the plague. I think this might be a reason DH feels he needs to pick up the flack. I should have been more clear in my post, DH doesn’t want to visit as often, he feels an obligation. Some evenings he’s in tears at how overwhelmed he feels, then the next he says he has no choice and I’m unkind.

Well your son grew up listening to her values and it doesn't seem to have affected his ability to think for himself.

When I lived closer to my Mum I saw her everyday. There are many men and women who see either their mums or dads everyday and there is nothing wrong with that. I think its great that people have good solid relationships with their parents. Its better than the alternative. You should be grateful for this not resentful.

One day the tables may be turned and you may have a DIL who complains that your son see's you too much. How would that make you feel?

Wow! the pickme's are out in force this morning.

If OP's mom would visit their house literally more than 4 out of every 7 days and calling all the time when OP would be out with her partner, he would rightly find that suffocating too.

Yeah, he is a momma's boy and it's worse that he spends so much time with his own mom when he is also a father. He works too, so how much attention does his boy get? This "close" relationship with his mom comes at the expense of his relationship with his own son and his partner.

If he wants to live with his mom and spend all his free time with her, than that's what he should do. He just shouldn't be dragging OP into it.

OP I think if you had put this in your opening post then you would have very different responses.

He has to give himself permission to step back a bit. That permission can’t come from you, unfortunately.

What you can do is tell him that you know how difficult the situation is for him and that you will support him if he wants to work on stepping back from his mother little by little.

He needs to find the right frame of mind and then you can plan the practicalities together.

The next time he is defensive or unkind to you, remind him how he is in tears the night before. That sounds suffocating op. No need to see her everyday on top of speaking to her twice. That is unhealthy and not normal.

This is true, thank you. I’ll try to open up a discussion about supporting him to pull back later today. He says it’s not sustainable but that she makes him feel so guilty- I’m not sure how!