DH sees MIL every day

[anonymous670]

Name changed for this one because I’m prepared to be slated 😬

DH sees his mum typically 3 times a week, but lately it’s become almost every day. Sometimes he goes to her, mostly her to us. She also calls him at least twice a day, often when we’re out.

I don’t know if this is ‘normal’ but I find it really intruding and overbearing. This week he has seen her on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and today. Anytime I mention I think it’s a bit much he gets really defensive and accuses me of being horrible. He’s not open to any kind of discussion.

For context, MIL lives on her own but is very active, works 3 days a week and has other family close by who she sees each evening.

I don’t know if I’m unreasonable in thinking this is really suffocating and intruding on our family time. I also don’t know how to articulate why I think it’s unreasonable, if it is.

My own mum sees DS twice a week, but I’m starting to get worried DS will form a closer bond with MIL, who for various reasons is not someone we both want to have a big influence over his values! Am I just paranoid that he will, or is it inevitable?!

She only lives 5 minutes away which doesn’t help. We’ll be moving in a couple of months to ever so slightly further but I’m worried the expectation to have such easy access to us is already set.

To complicate matters, we’re also TTC. If we are fortunate enough, when the time comes, it will be my own mum who’s around more to support me (DH agrees). But I can see that causing a whole load of other issues… Am I just being horrible!?

4 or 5 days a week is really excessive. I don't even see my own dad more than twice a week. I can't believe people think it's great.
Your DH works, then sees his mum so do you and your son get any family time with him in the evening? Then he sees her at the weekend too?
I wouldn't be happy in your shoes either. You can talk to him about stepping back but it doesn't sound like he can stand up to his mum. So unless he can actually grow up a bit and say no things aren't going to change.
I wouldn't be considering having another baby with him until you get the issue with his mum sorted.

I am a mother of a boy. I would not want to be intruding in his life to this extent (in the same way I wouldn't want to if I was a mother of a daughter)

Imagine being a parent to a grown child with a wife and family, and crying down the phone because he doesn't see you enough, even though he sees you multiple time a week?

It has crossed my mind that she may be hoping to pull us apart. I’m not sure if that’s really unfair of me though. I just can’t shake the feeling sometimes that she’d be happier if it was her, DH and DS. She’ll often look annoyed that I’m ‘home from work early’ … 5pm 🙄

Sorry I meant to say your HUSBAND grew up listening to your MILs opinions and values, not your son.

You need to move much further away from her.

DH sees his parents most days if he’s not away for work. It’s never occurred to me to be bothered by it.

I think your DH is very wrong enabling MIL behaviour. It’s the same as with children - he is basically holding her attached to your household and doesn’t give her a chance to form her own support system and find new life beyond your family, it’s like with children you need to be a bit cruel to encourage their independence - unfortunately it’s the same with parents sometimes. Your MIL is working and in good health she deserves a chance to build her own life, have her own fun, finding friends and doing hobbies.

By the way I don’t see how he is managing to visit her nearly every day. Neither DH nor wouldn’t be able to. We won’t find so much time basically! As to visiting you often, it’s the same - she is cutting into your family time where you should be focused on each other. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying he should cut contact with her but seeing Mum just because he is feeling guilty otherwise sounds very unhealthy.

Woah, if she is pulling her face about you being in your own home when she's there it would be gloves off for me and I'd start letting her know how annoying she is being so needy and in your home so often. What the hell is wrong with women like her?!

This is an excellent point. My in laws live 90 mins away so we don't have the daily visit issue, but they have invited themselves to stay for 4 successive long weekends. We're on weekend number 4, and I'm at the end of my tether. But I have a son (age 10), so I'll try to remember this. Thank you!

Apparently it has if he is in tears from the pressure.

I used to see my Mum every day even it was just to pop in for 15 minutes. I made the most of our time as I knew it wouldn't be forever. She died aged 62. Wish I could visit her every day now, miss her so much.

So OP needs to put up with her racist and homophobic MIL coming round every day and even making OP feel uncomfortable in her own home because her MIL pulls a face when OP comes home from work early because her MIL might die soon?

Everyone dies at some point but it doesn't mean you just put up with awful behaviour? It's emotional blackmail and guilt tripping which is normally part of the playbook from people like OP's MIL.

You might feel differently if your MIL was racist and homophobic and pulled a face if you came home early from work when your MIL was in your home and she pulled a face and asked why you came home so early.

You say it's annoying as you both don't want her influencing your child's values. It seems you were OK with her values when she was visiting 3 times a week but now it's a problem as your worried your child is closer to your mil than your mum?
Your partner doesn't want her influence either over your child but willingly sees her almost daily, speaks to her frequently and thinks you are being horrible? Something doesn't add up here

Just a thought, instead of Dh going round some days, why doesn’t he say Byquaint is popping in instead - then you go, stay for about 15 mins then leave - weans her off him a bit,whilst still getting attention and it might help your relationship with her a bit.
If she says something you don’t agree with just say sweetly say ohh you know I don’t share these views.

This.

I’d find it suffocating and wouldn’t want to live like that at all. I also find it strange if any woman wanted to see her DM so frequently. I think either scenario would be a relationship breaker for me.

You and your DH are both unhappy with this. The step I think has most chance of happening is not to meet on the days your MIL is working.

That's a different kettle of fish to your opening post.

Your DH is struggling with this and you both need support to deal with it.

To be honest, I think you need to report this thread, get it removed and repost with all this information in the OP. You will then get some supportive responses, which at the moment will be lost amongst those still responding to your misleading OP.

You are entitled to be bothered if she is literally in your house every day and would be OK to ask for a bit less of that. Other than that, nope. You're in the wrong.

Is she a widow? Sorry if you have already explained this. It's a tricky one because as pp have said if the situation was reversed a man moaning would be criticised. But if it's upsetting for him something needs to change. I have a mum who can be quite demanding of time and it can be a bit overwhelming to feel like your presence is required then to be criticised when you aren't available. Perhaps a gradual reduction in visits over a period of time may help?

I disagree with all of this 😂.

Replace 'his mum' with golfing, fishing or mates at the pub and it would be LTB territory.

Exactly this. You know how much you love your son now? Well you always will.

I clicked on OP’s see all because I knew there was more to it and was sick of reading everyone having a go at her when I knew she wasn’t just hating on MIL for no reason, it’s better not to drip feed and put EVERYTHING in the first post, adding those few extra details changed the whole outlook on it all and she wouldn’t have got the comments she got from others. The woman’s a racist, homophonic, over bearing leach that even her own daughter can’t deal with!!